sortinghat_logs | You can't beat this irony

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You can't beat this irony

WHO: Bro and Dirk; EDIT: I lied it is now an open post.
TONE: Is dumbassery a tone?
RATING: PG-13 for Striders
WHEN: Backdated to forever ago like June 4th or something obscene like that
WHERE: 5th year Slytherin dorms
WHAT: Dirk wanted Bro to show his love so he is doing it in the most ironic way possible
STATUS: Ongoing!

[After putting his foot in his mouth, Bro was told he needed to prove his love to Dirk. Now, the guy probably thought Bro was kidding when he said he'd dress up as a French maid and be his servant, but you know what? He was completely serious. He actually does feel sort of guilty for making those comments and alienating Dirk a little bit, but despite that he still can't pass up the opportunity to screw with him a little bit. So after their conversation, he decided he would do this.

I mean, he just happened to have this outfit lying around, so he might as well put it to good use, right? Only, he looks fucking amazing in it, unlike other people would. It's almost as if he were born to be a french maid. In his mind, at least. He probably doesn't look nearly as good as he thinks he does.

Regardless of that, it's early in the morning when he makes his way to the Slytherin dorms. He isn't sure if Dirk is asleep or not, but when he gets there, the curtains are drawn on his bed so he can't particularly tell. Despite that, he leans against the bed post and poses in the most seductive way possible.]

Wakey wakey, Dirky, I'm here to do your bidding just like I promised.

[A WILD OPTION B APPEARS:

Dirk isn't, however, the only one who gets the french maid treatment. When he isn't doing whatever it is that Dirk might be having him do, Bro can be seen around the castle with a feather duster. What's he doing? Playing the part, of course. So he'll be dusting the suits of armor, sweeping up things at random, and just overall being a fantastic french maid. Because why not?

It's ironic. You might not know how or why, but that's the point. The fine art of irony is a subtle one. It's got many layers. Dressing up as a french maid and dusting the castle is just one of the many layers in this endless irony onion.]

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[For once, Bro's actually managed to catch Dirk while he was sleeping. It probably has something to do with how early it is, and the fact that Dirk was probably up later than he should have been last night. Like every night.

What it means is, there's a bit of shifting around behind the curtains as Dirk sits up and puts on his shades. Rude, Bro, he hasn't even had time to brush his hair.

When he does finally pull open the curtain, he spends a few moments staring. Then he just flops back on his pillows.]

It's way too early for this.

[A part of him is almost surprised that Dirk is actually asleep. He half thought Dirk might've been a vampire or something, what with the way he's never asleep.

Also if Dirk is worried about his hair he could totally brush it for him. Isn't that part of the maid's job description or something? He isn't sure, but hey. He'd do it.]

Hey, you told me to be here in the morning and I'm fucking here. Don't be ungrateful.

I know you know I was joking.

[He wishes he could just roll over to go back to sleep, but he's definitely awake now. Dammit, Bro.]

Where'd you even get the outfit in one night?

You questioned my love for you, Dirk.

[He sounds so serious when he says that. No one has ever, ever sounded more serious than Bro is right now.]

Of course I would take that seriously. I had to prove myself to you. I fuckin' had to. [A brief pause.] I've had this for a longass while.

[He sounds so serious that Dirk actually turns to look at him, for a moment. Then he sighs.]

Amazaing how much less creepy that makes things. Ugh, fine. If you're so determined to play this, then you can go turn on the shower or something.

What could possibly be creepy about me wearing a maid outfit? Gosh.

[He takes out his wand- the magical, wooden one, and flicks it in the general direction of the shower.]

It's on.

I'm not going to answer that very obvious question.

[Hopefully the magical one that is not attached to his body.

But at least Dirk's finally rolling his way out of bed. He's got a horrible case of bedhead going, and his pj's are rumpled. Yeah, he was definitely sleeping hard.]

I don't see what's so obvious about it, but whateveeer.

[Dirk doesn't sleep that much, so he can't help but feel at least a little bad for waking him up like he did. But hey, Dirk asked for this. He can't feel too guilty because of that. He's just showing his unending love for the guy.]

So what should I do now, master?

I don't know, my laundry?

[He was actually not prepared for this, can you tell?]

[Dave's day has been going pretty well. That is, until he notices that there's a French maid in the hall. It's very obviously a guy and it takes him a second to see that holy shit that's Bro. Dave actually lowers his sunglasses to double-check before sliding them back up again.

Holy mother of fuck. He swears he'll disown the family until the new school year starts if he sees Dirk in the same get-up.]

I definitely did not need to see you strutting around in an outfit that was probably meant for your boyfriend's eyes alone.

[Oh yes, he'd been hoping Dave would find him. If he didn't soon, he definitely would've had to make a special trip to Gryffindor tower to surprise him. So when Dave speaks, he turns around and gives him a nice view of the front. Look how great he looks, Dave.]

Oh come on, I've had this for years. Just because I wore it last night doesn't mean it's specifically for him.

[Look at that expanse of hairy man chest. Dave resists the urge to cover his face and just. Focuses. On Bro's shades. Those are the only normal things and don't include a mass of hair on his chest. Jesus Christ, does he comb that shit?]

You know, I'm not even surprised that you've had that thing for years. You're gonna scare off the firsties, though. They're not prepared for the uncensored French maid side of Bro Strider.

[Hanna thought at least one day at Hogwarts was going to be somewhat normal. Who was he fucking kidding. Nothing around here stayed sane for too long, whether it be a student acting up or some threat against the castle.

So when he spots the obviously male french maid, who is also obviously Professor Strider. He has to take a mental step back in his mind. Like. Okay. He knows Bro and Murdoc are a thing. Did he wear it for Murdoc? For irony? Because he's weird? Because he's actually a cross dresser?]

Uh, Professor? [.........Just why?!]

[Hogwarts and normal just are not two things that go together. Bro and normal are just two things that don't go together. He's not sure that was ever a thing used to describe him before, and it's certainly not ever going to be something used in the future.

When he hears that voice, he turns around cheerfully.]

Yo, bro. What up? [He steps over and swipes the feather duster across Hanna's face a couple of times.]

[Murdoc is basically the busiest man ever right now, Bro must be as well, right? Being head of house is hard and nobody should tell anyone otherwise. It's difficult being a good role model for the students, but Murdoc thinks he's a natural. He also thinks Bro has become quite accustomed to the position as well, he's terribly proud of him.

That is until he rounds the corner and sees the Head of Gryffindor sweeping about in some ridiculous frock. He starts, stepping backward and watching for a moment before striding forward and grabbing a hold of the back of Bro's skirt.]

Just what do you think you're doin'?

[At Murdoc's words, Bro gives him a flat look over his shoulder. Like, man shouldn't it be obvious what he's doing? He's cleaning the castle. In a maids outfit. Is ther really something wrong with that?]

Hey, hands off the dress, you're gonna fucking wrinkle it. And anyway, what's it look like I'm doing? I'm dusting this suit of armor. [He pointedly dusts it.] Are you going blind? I mean, if you can't tell that, then there must be somethin' wrong with them peepers.

Mhmm, the obfuscating stupidity is terribly endearin' but it doesn't look nearly as good on you as that dress does.

[He's going to circle him a little, lifting the skirt ever so slightly at the back as if pretending to take a peek.] Is there any particular reason you decided to take up castle keeping? Are you already bored of bein' a teacher?

Oh baby. Talk smart to me some more. [He pooches his butt out as Murdoc lifts it, making a sexy duck face. The question has him shrugging, though, and he grows a bit more serious.] Mostly I did it to traumatize my crotch droppings.

I wouldn't want to confuse you now, would I? [Enjoy your condescension, Bro. He lets out a low chuckle as he actually does take a peak at the other man's ass before dropping the skirt again. He pets Bro's rear as he smooths out his skirt and steps around so he's facing him.]

Crotch dr- oh. [He pulls a face.] I suppose I shouldn't tarnish your father-son activities with any ill motivations. Shall I leave you to it?

[His eyebrows shoot up and he shakes his head quickly when Murdoc says that]

No, no, by all means, tarnish away. I was pretty much done, this was the aftermath. What exactly are these ill motivations? Does your... weapon need polishing? [He wiggles his butt a little for emphasis.]

[Murdoc shakes his head, looking ever so dejected and disappointed by the fact that Bro is playing right into it.]

Certainly not. [He crinkles his nose.] You're awfully naughty for a maid, you know. I've half a mind to take you back to my office and teach you some manners.

[Murdoc reaches out for Bro's wrist, pulling him closer toward him.]

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You can't beat this irony

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