SWIMMINGGEDDON.

[wwistful]

WHO: Murdoc Donoghue and YOU
TONE: Fun, WHIMSICAL, horrifying
RATING: PG-13 and onward
WHEN: September 7th
WHERE:  The Lake.
WHAT:  After this Murdoc realised the children (and staff) of Hogwarts were in dire need of swimming lessons.
STATUS: Ongoing

[GATHER AROUND CHILDREN it's a warm summer day and the lake is perfect for diving into your sudden but inevitable deaths. You should all be dressed in your swimming trunks (which you clearly have don't even lie) because Murdoc sure is. He's determined to conduct this in the best manner he can, though he wasn't quite expecting the turn out to be so large. People who can swim are welcome to become his assistants because he could probably use the help.]

Comments

[preanimator]

[No, it's ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous. Who jiggles their butt? Honestly! Only an idiot would do something like that and expect it to be attractive to anyone. So Herbert really needs to see if Maxim's going to continue demonstrating what an enormous moron he is.]

[moveslikejaeger]

[You know how in rap videos, the way the female back up dancers get their butts jiggling like whoa?]

[Yep, that's him right now]

[That booty don't quit]

[preanimator]

[Okay, at this point Herbert isn't actually lying to himself, he thinks that really looks dumb. It's just so silly, and he almost wants to laugh, except ... well, okay, it does show off Maxim's butt pretty nicely. But who does that?

Needless to say, Herbert is not familiar with rap videos.]

[moveslikejaeger]

[Clearly, Herbert needs more culture in his life.]

[But that's fine because Maxim noticed his lack of interest and stopped. Time to change tactics, then]

[Shifting his weight again, he raises his shoulders, slowly bringing his hands up beneath his hair, running them up the back of his neck. He drags his fingers through his hair, pulling it up off his back. Then he stretches his arms up and over his head, elongating his spine. Maybe Herbert can't hear it from his spot, but he lets out a little moan as his arms drop back to his sides]

[preanimator]

[Herbert doesn't really have a thing for long hair, but backs ... oh. Oh, damn it. He is just going to silently beat his forehead against his knees here, because why does it have to be Maxim that looks like that? He wouldn't feel so bad if it was Bruce or something, but this is ... AGH.]

[moveslikejaeger]

[Bruce doesn't spend all day wrestling guys two to three times his size. Bruce will never have the sculpted musculature that Maxim does. Simply the way of the world, Herbert.]

[Smirking over his shoulder, Maxim gathers all his hair into his hands, pulling it into a loose ponytail that he drags over his shoulder, exposing his back more fully. This is what Herbert likes, then? That's perfectly fine with him, just as long as the other boy sits there, squirming in his frustrated lust]

[God, but he loved being a tease.]

[preanimator]

[There's really no way Herbert can escape at this point. He's in a position where standing up is going to be problematic at best, and more likely completely humiliating. So, yes, he's forced to sit there squirming, and he's making it so much worse for himself because he can't actually force himself to look away for more than a few seconds at a time. It's just ... he can't ... GAH!

Sometimes it really sucks to be him.]

[moveslikejaeger]

[Hey, hey Herbert. What if- Now just wait until you hear the whole thing - What if Maxim made things worse by coming over? Wouldn't that just be great? Wouldn't that just make your day?]

[Good thing you don't have a choice in the matter, because here he comes]

Hey sveethott, vhy ain't hyu svimmink vit de rest ov uz?

[preanimator]

[Oh god, no. No, no, no, no, no. The smaller boy has his head fixedly down by the time Maxim walks up, because from this angle, the younger boy is going to look ... just no. He's beet red, though, and trying to hide behind his short fringe of hair.]

I'm not your sweetheart and I don't swim. [he tries to snap, but it comes out more of a mutter]

[moveslikejaeger]

Vhateffer hyu say, dollink. [He shrugs, rolling his eyes and plopping down in the grass next to Herbert. He stretches out on his side, propping himself up on one elbow, one knee bent in the air] But iz more fun to join in vit de group, den sit here sulkink by hyuself.

[preanimator]

I'm not sulking, I'm reading. It's called homework, some of us do it on occasion. [Herbert said in a dry, irritated tone, but he did twist his head just a little to eye Maxim in a stupid pin-up pose. God. Couldn't the other boy just sit, like a normal person? In more clothes?] And it's far more interesting than splashing around in the water like an idiot.

[moveslikejaeger]

[snort] Hyu haz plenty ov time to do dot vhen de zun goez down. [he rolled his eyes, draping his arm over his hip, his hand resting on his belly just above the top of his speedo. Why no, Herbert, he couldn't sit like a normal person. That would deprive him of the ability to show off his sexy, sexy body.] Vhy don' hyu tok to me inztead? Ve haff soch vunderful conversations, hyu und Hy. Hy enjoy dem zo much.

[preanimator]

You enjoy making fun of me, yes, I've noticed. [scowling furiously at the page and really trying not to look up this time]

You're going to miss the lessons, why don't you just ... go away. [But there's something unhappy and strained in his voice.]

[moveslikejaeger]

Pft, like Hy em really here for de lessons. [He rolls his eyes, waving a hand dismissively.] Hy em here to be seen.

Und now, Hy em beink seen vit hyu! Don' hyu chust feel lucky? [grins sharply, giving Herbert's knee a nudge]

[preanimator]

[Herbert jerks his knee back as if he's been burned] No! I don't want anyone thinking I associate with you! God, what if they think we're friends or something?

[Yeah, Herbert. That's totally gonna happen.]

[moveslikejaeger]

Hyu mean de hott attack de gonna get vhen it hits dem dot hyu got friends?

[preanimator]

I have friends! [Friend. Who is currently talking with someone else, probably one of the other Slytherins. Herbert's eyes jerk briefly to Eriq, then away again.] Anyway, they can all have heart attacks for all I care. I just don't want anyone thinking you got your idiocy all over me.

[moveslikejaeger]

Ho no, dey ain't gonna tink dot. [he chuckles a bit, then his eyes narrow, lips curling with mischievous intent] Not 'less dey ketch me doin... DIS! [And then he lunges over, bodily forcing Herbert to the ground and pinning him in place with a growl] Hoo! Iz dot a vand in hyu pents, or iz hyu heppy to see me~?

[It should be worth noting, Herbert's not the only one with a bit of wood in his pants]

[preanimator]

[The smaller boy's eyes go wide and frightened as his glasses are knocked askew and he's shoved to the ground. No mater how many times he gets hit or kicked or jumped on, he never quite get used to it or be stoic about it, which makes it even more of a wonder that he never shuts his mouth to avoid this kind of thing.]

GET OFF ME! GET OFF ME RIGHT NOW! [Herbert's voice cracks a little on the 'now', and he starts struggling wildly, which isn't doing very much to alleviate the lump in his trousers that has nothing to do with magic. He's overcome with a horrible surge of panic, humiliation, and shame, because part of it does feel good, and part of him is noticing Maxim is turned on and is morbidly fascinated by that fact in as much as he's completely confused by it.] YOU OVERGROWN IMBECILE!