Bro Strider (
plushaeusrumpified) wrote in
sortinghat_logs2012-09-22 02:57 am
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Entry tags:
Dads of the year
WHO: Bro Strider and Murdoc Donoghue
TONE: Hurt / Comfort and feelsy / sad
RATING: PG-13?
WHEN: Sometime after talking with Eridan
WHERE: Bro's office
WHAT: Bro is sitting around, contemplating life, when Murdoc shows up.
STATUS: Ongoing
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[Things were... stressful, to say the least. And yet ever since he and Murdoc's night together, he'd had a hard time really feeling stressed. It was hard to, when it was so damn perfect. Call it cliche, call it 'needing to get laid', but whatever. The fact was things had picked up mood-wise for Bro since they'd had their thing.
Only now the stress and full weight of the situation was piling on him. It was a good block for a while, but. His talk with Eridan had made him realize that things were still shitty and that they hadn't just gone away. Nope, it had made him realize there was still shit going on that needed fixing. And he'd tried. He had tried really hard to fix the problem with Eridan.
But that was only half of it, and he knew he needed to talk to Murdoc, too. He just. didn't know how. Because a part of him was afraid to say anything to him, because he was afraid Murdoc would be mad for getting in the middle of it. He just wanted to help, that was all. And he needed to talk to Murdoc to help. It was a complicated, conflicting mess and it just basically sucked a whole lot of ass.
He was just sitting in his office, trying to figure out how to broach the topic with Murdoc, when his office door opened all of a sudden and he looked up.]
TONE: Hurt / Comfort and feelsy / sad
RATING: PG-13?
WHEN: Sometime after talking with Eridan
WHERE: Bro's office
WHAT: Bro is sitting around, contemplating life, when Murdoc shows up.
STATUS: Ongoing
-
[Things were... stressful, to say the least. And yet ever since he and Murdoc's night together, he'd had a hard time really feeling stressed. It was hard to, when it was so damn perfect. Call it cliche, call it 'needing to get laid', but whatever. The fact was things had picked up mood-wise for Bro since they'd had their thing.
Only now the stress and full weight of the situation was piling on him. It was a good block for a while, but. His talk with Eridan had made him realize that things were still shitty and that they hadn't just gone away. Nope, it had made him realize there was still shit going on that needed fixing. And he'd tried. He had tried really hard to fix the problem with Eridan.
But that was only half of it, and he knew he needed to talk to Murdoc, too. He just. didn't know how. Because a part of him was afraid to say anything to him, because he was afraid Murdoc would be mad for getting in the middle of it. He just wanted to help, that was all. And he needed to talk to Murdoc to help. It was a complicated, conflicting mess and it just basically sucked a whole lot of ass.
He was just sitting in his office, trying to figure out how to broach the topic with Murdoc, when his office door opened all of a sudden and he looked up.]
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He's not quite ready to make the leap and take his hand, he's really too scared of Dirk's reaction to try. So, in a very idle manner, he's going to graze his own fingers against the other man's hand whilst looking in another direction. As if what's happening between them is beyond his control. As if his hand is moving for itself.
He makes a thoughtful noise at the conversation. It's true he's changed, but he really doubts Dirk has seen the development he's made. Not only as a person, but as a father. And really, it's all because of a few less than favourable events that he's here at all. It's the only reason he's made leaps and bounds and grown as a person.]
I most certainly have changed, though it wouldn't be entirely of my own volition. I'm fairly sure if I'd stayed an auror things would be much the same. Though you wouldn't know me if I hadn't.. [Does he really want to go into this?] ..stopped.
[He hums again, tapping his fingers so they slide against Dirk.] Funny how life works like that. [Wouldn't have been very fucking funny if he died an auror and a piss poor excuse for a dad.]
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Instead, before he responds, he does the next best thing, which means he slowly and hesitantly moves his hand and hooks his index finger around Murdoc's. To keep himself from wussing out, he speaks immediately after, heart beating just a little faster.]
Yeah... funny. I'm pretty sure if I hadn't become a teacher, I'd still be alone.
[A heavy and awkward silence follows- or at least to him it feels that way, because that seemed like... an awkward thing to say. And implied a lot more than there really was to even imply. After a moment, he clears his throat.]
I wouldn't have friends, I mean. And... I'd have a shitty relationship with Dave. Just... a lot of things'd be different.
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He clears his throat too, letting his eyes drift around the room before they just settle back on their fingers.]
It is incredibly difficult to become withdrawn in such a crowded place. I can't say I really regret havin' to give up my job and come here.
[He shrugs his shoulders slightly.] I hadn't even realised I'd missed Eridan so terribly. [Or Sybille. Or people in general.]
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But he won't deny that it feels really good.]
Yeah, it's... Easy to get caught up in shit for a while and then suddenly realize 'Holy shit, they're growing up.'
I guess that kinda happened for me. I wanted to be there so I could stop missing out on everything... Well- Uh. Alright, so I guess I kinda wanted to do it to mess with him a bit. That was before, though. My perspective's changed a little.
[And yeah. He definitely didn't realize how much he missed people, either.]
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He's worried by it, about whether Bro is actually enjoying it and whether he should even be doing it, but he can't seem to let go.]
You've got that right. [He smirks slightly.] After everythin' I've put Eridan through, I felt like it might be time to step up and be there for him. It's just startin' to feel like bein' there really isn't helpin' him at all.
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Oh believe me, I know that feeling. It's really fucking difficult. You just feel like you're doing way more harm than good even though you're trying as hard as you fucking can.
[He has a lot of feelings on the subject.]
It's exhausting.
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[Okay, so he might be a little grumpy over this still. He's sad, don't get him wrong, but he stupidly expected Eridan to understand.]
No matter what I do, he's always goin' to assume I've forgotten about Catherine. Or that I'm tryin' to replace her. As if I don't deserve a life beyond her.
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I'm not sure what's worse. The way Eridan clings to her and expects you to as well, or the way Dave takes every goddamn opportunity he can get to say what a whore Roxanne is.
[Somewhere along the way, his hand shifts of its own accord and ends up on top of Murdoc's without him even realizing it.]
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[He sighs loudly, slinking his other hand forward so he can cup Dirk's between both of them. This talk is comforting, and it feels good to say these things, but there's this nagging feeling in the back of his mind that tells him to lean forward and kiss Dirk. But he can't let himself do that.]
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[He trails off with a sigh, and then that's about the time he realizes just what they're doing. With the whole hand thing. It'd just been a thing that had happened naturally without him even realizing it, and now that he did tensed up. He didn't understand why he felt so goddamn awkward about it, but he did.
He pulled his hands away, clearing his throat. But to disguise it, he shook his head and spoke.]
Y'know we got really goddamn off track. You ain't supposed to be ranting about it. You're supposed to be sucking it up and going to tell him how sorry you are. S'the only thing that'll fix it. As frustrating as it is, you just gotta do it.
[He swallows, trying to ignore the way his hand tingles. And how much he really wishes he hadn't pulled away from Murdoc's hands.]
So go. Shoo. Skedaddle. Off with ya.
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When Dirk's hands move, his own slip idly down the desk, folding over his lap as if nothing had ever happened between them. He feels like there might be something ironic and symbolic about their hand play, but now isn't the time to dwell on it.
He nods again.]
Understood.
[His mouth twists into a small half frown and half pout as he's dismissed, but he knows Dirk is right to do so. He rises from his chair, bowing his head at Dirk before turning to walk toward the door. It feels wrong to up and leave so suddenly, but he worried about what he might have done if he lingered so close to Dirk. Once he gets to the door, he turns and smiles slightly at the other man.]
Thank you, Dirk. I needed that.
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But when Murdoc turns back around and he catches that smile, Bro realizes something. Well a part of him has realized it the entire time. The dude could use a hug. Like honestly if there was ever a person that could use a hug, it was Murdoc at that moment. Maybe he was just being sappy or something, but. Hell, he'd gone through so much. And he kinda just looked so sad. And maybe Bro thought he could use something positive before going into such a difficult talk.
And maybe he just wanted to hug him, was that so bad? But mostly it was because Murdoc needed it.
He was on his feet in a flash, making his way over before Murdoc could turn back around.]
I just realized something else I'm pretty sure you could use, too.
[And before he can chicken out, he steps closer and wraps his arms around Murdoc, pulling him into a rather tight hug.]
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Yet, he finds himself leaning into it, his arms slowly lifting to wind around Dirk's back. Much better. Much more comforting. He feels ridiculous in a way, but safe. It's good to feel taken care of, he'd almost forgotten what it was like. For someone to care unconditionally when he can't give them anything? When they aren't obligated to? It's strange.
He wants to indulge it. So he leans in with the intention of burying his face against Dirk's neck. Only he misses and his face doesn't end up there at all. He's kissing him. Why is he kissing him. Their lips are touching and he doesn't want to pull away. He wants to unwind his arms from around Dirk but they only seem to tighten in quiet desperation. His brain is telling him to stop, but something far more instinctual is urging him to relish this moment and continue.
Nope. Nope nope nope. He jerks his face away, only to finally bury it against Dirk's neck. He feels like a god damn desperate teenager right now, it's pathetic.]
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The other reason he was surprised by it was the fact Murdoc was initiating it. Did Bro want to kiss him? Yes. Up until then he'd been used to being the one to initiate everything. He'd been the one chasing after Murdoc and trying to get what he wanted. For Murdoc to be the one to start something, and a kiss of all things, was just. Kind of mindblowing.
So with all of that in mind, it took him entirely too long to respond to the kiss. By the time he leaned in and attempted to return it, Murdoc pulled away. Bro's face is probably really red, but it's okay because Murdoc can't see him. Bro's hand just kind of... slowly finds it's way up Murdoc's back, before running up into Murdoc's hair. He scratches at it gently, hopefully comfortingly.]
It'll be alright, man. You can do this! I believe in you...That kiss was nice...
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Why? He's just. Not cut out to handle this sort of stuff. All of these emotions he needs to deal with and everything he wants to have is not balancing out the way he'd like it to.
That kiss kind of summed up how horrible he was at it, really. He was meant to be avoiding Strider. Not throwing himself into his arms and holding his hands and kissing him. God, he's such a fucking idiot. Such a damn fool. Strider. That is. Because this had to be his fault somehow. Is running his hand through his hair? He is. Fuck. That's nice. He grunts quietly, not sure if he wants it to stop. No. Nonono. He does want it to stop, so he grunts again and moves his head away.
Still, his lips can't help but curl upward into the tiniest smile at Dirk's comment, but he schools himself into a stern expression. He steps backward, nodding at Dirk as he opens the door.]
Good evenin', Strider. [And with one final stare he's just going to. Slip through the door and stride far, far away to find his son.]
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But he understands Murdoc's reaction, and so he doesn't let it get to him.]
Evenin', man.
[Watching him walk away this time is considerably easier than that night in the prefect's bathroom. Maybe it's because this time it doesn't feel like the last time, or like he blew his chances.
He lets out a sigh, heading back over to his chair and plopping down into it. It's safe to say he isn't going to be getting anything productive done. Not with so damn much on his mind.
Not with that kiss on his mind.]