sortinghat_logs | Dads of the year

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Dads of the year

WHO: Bro Strider and Murdoc Donoghue
TONE: Hurt / Comfort and feelsy / sad
RATING: PG-13?
WHEN: Sometime after talking with Eridan
WHERE: Bro's office
WHAT: Bro is sitting around, contemplating life, when Murdoc shows up.
STATUS: Ongoing
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[Things were... stressful, to say the least. And yet ever since he and Murdoc's night together, he'd had a hard time really feeling stressed. It was hard to, when it was so damn perfect. Call it cliche, call it 'needing to get laid', but whatever. The fact was things had picked up mood-wise for Bro since they'd had their thing.

Only now the stress and full weight of the situation was piling on him. It was a good block for a while, but. His talk with Eridan had made him realize that things were still shitty and that they hadn't just gone away. Nope, it had made him realize there was still shit going on that needed fixing. And he'd tried. He had tried really hard to fix the problem with Eridan.

But that was only half of it, and he knew he needed to talk to Murdoc, too. He just. didn't know how. Because a part of him was afraid to say anything to him, because he was afraid Murdoc would be mad for getting in the middle of it. He just wanted to help, that was all. And he needed to talk to Murdoc to help. It was a complicated, conflicting mess and it just basically sucked a whole lot of ass.

He was just sitting in his office, trying to figure out how to broach the topic with Murdoc, when his office door opened all of a sudden and he looked up.]

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[So, that was a devastating turn of events Murdoc really didn't need right now. He had expected an arguement, but he hadn't expected Eridan to be so..vicious. He'd actually hoped he'd come to understand the situation a little better and that they could move on from it. Right now, of all people, Murdoc needs his son supporting him. He knows people are on his side, but there's nobody he relies on for comfort quite so much as anyone else. Not right now, anyway. He knows Eridan is just being dramatic, but with those final declarations of abandonment, he's starting to feel painfully lonely.

He needs to be around someone right now, before he does something else incredibly stupid. But WHO? Really. He's starting to feel like he's isolated himself from everyone right now. Even if he can confide in the nurses, he feels like he's told them enough already, he doesn't want to whine at them anymore.

So, he takes a walk. Not going anywhere in particular, just walking away from his journal and all of its contents.

He doesn't know how, but he's wound up outside Dirk's office, and it doesn't take any sort of awareness of the situation for him to slip in the door and shut it behind him.

He looks a strange mix of despondent and confused as he leans against the door, staring at Dirk from across the room. He should...probably say something.

C'mon man, say something. Speak. Speak or leave. Do it.]

Evenin'.

[Nice one.]

[Bro just. stares at him from behind his shades, his eyebrows raised in curiosity. He's waiting for Murdoc to speak, though he's honestly surprised to see him, especially considering the fact he'd just been thinking about him. It was... weird timing, to say the least. And he still hadn't entirely worked out what he needed to say to him.

The vibes and look coming off of Murdoc were confusing, though... understandable, especially if he was right and Murdoc actually was upset about things. They were similar. There was no way this situation wasn't eating at Murdoc, and suddenly he felt a pang of sympathy.]

Evening yourself. I was just thinking about you, actually.

[Even nicer, considering that could be horribly skewed.]

[That eyebrow quirk is enough to make him feel uneasy already. The shades are endearing, but for someone who finds it difficult to read the mood, he has a hard time knowing what the other man feels.

He presses a little closer to the door, wondering if he's left it too late to canonball out.

Yes, Murdoc. Yes it is. Time to man up. They had sex, they said they wouldn't see each other again and here he is, engaged and in his office alone. Say what you will, Murdoc most certainly sticks to his promises (only not really).]

You were?

[He quirks an eyebrow right back at that, thinking of all the possible ways it could be skewed and wondering which it is.]

I didn't have anyone else to come to. [He shrugs lightly, deciding he doesn't want to make eye contact. Or at least, doesn't want to see his stupid, guilty face reflected back at him in the shades.]

Edited 2012-09-24 14:37 (UTC)

[That statement alone is enough to confirm exactly why Murdoc is there. They're the words of a helpless father who has no fucking idea what to do. He's been there, done that, and yet still doesn't have the perfect relationship with his kids that he so desperately wants. Bro has to wonder just how many things he'll find he has in common with Murdoc. A part of him hopes he won't stop finding things.

He decides to ignore the question and statement and just jump right to the chase, because there's no use beating around the bush. Especially now that he's 99% sure why Murdoc came.]

It's about Eridan, isn't it?

[That sends the eyebrow right up. How would Dirk know that it was Eridan he had a problem with? Particularly considering the fact that there's a lot more going on in his life than drama with his son. It seemed an odd sort of thing to know out of nowhere.

He takes a step forward, feeling vunerable now that he's left the safety of the door. He can't just duck out now, but he's scared to take the steps forward to Dirk's desk.

This is such nonsense. He doesn't need to be afraid of anything. He needs to know about this, he has the right to know about it. So he marches right up to his desk and places his hands on it, trying to look confident.]

How do you know that?

[Eyebrows raising all over this room.

Because at Murdoc's reaction, Bro once more raises his. He's honestly surprised that he's trying to sound so confident and serious. It's kind of worrisome, because now he feels like Murdoc is on the defensive and maybe it was a mistake to get involved. But he knows he can't lie about it, and that he needs to be honest.

But before he does, he reaches up and slides his shades off so that he can look Murdoc in the eyes. Because if he's going to be honest, it needs to be complete honesty. No hiding behind the shades, and he knows Murdoc likes it better when he's not wearing them anyway. Anything to make this easier.]

Because he was asking about finding someplace to stay for the Summer and I got worried.

[Okay well. All of that confidence just washed away in a heartbeat. Now he doesn't look stern and defensive. Now he looks...kinda crushed. He had no idea Eridan thought it was serious. He knew he could be dramatic, but this was entirely unexpected. He loves Eridan, the last thing he wants is to have him feel unwanted.

Now he feels digusting and guilty and like an even worse father than he felt a few hours before. He can barely keep contact with those damn amazing eyes because he feels like such a fucking ass.]

He thinks I've disowned him?

[Bro had never looked at his own reflection when he'd been at his worst, but seeing Murdoc made him wonder if that's what he looked like when he was. Murdoc certainly visibly looked how he'd felt on the inside when he was dealing with shit involving Dave. And it hurt to see. He tried to push that away though, he tried not to let those feelings get in the way. He had to focus on helping him, and in this situation he couldn't coddle him and tell him it was okay. Just like no one had done for Bro when he'd screwed up.]

Yeah, he does. He thinks you hate him and that you're better off without him. He told me everything that happened. I know a lot of it was probably... Him being over-dramatic, but.

[Bro has to take in a breath and finally look away, because this is the hard part. The part where he tells Murdoc that he fucked up.]

I'm also pretty damn sure it wasn't all just him exaggerating. Because I know you're stressed as fuck lately with all the shit going down. I know how easy it is to say something you don't mean. And I know you're the type of person that could explode if someone antagonized you a bit... And I know Eridan probably did, and then... You said some shit you didn't mean.

[And then he pauses, because this is the other hard part. The one he doesn't like talking about. The one that physically hurts to talk about. But it's for Murdoc. That's the only thing that gives him the ability to actually do it. He start speaking again before Murdoc as the chance. Because he has to get everything out all at once, before he loses his train of thought. This is hard enough without distraction.]

Just be glad you're not a bit more like me, yeah? I mean, you could've taken it face to face. You could've done something really stupid. [His voice quivers at that, and he still can't make eye contact with Murdoc, even though he knows he should.] Like nearly kill him. When David, my brother, died... Dave picked a really bad time to start badmouthing Roxanne. I nearly stabbed him through the chest on top of the astronomy tower.

[He pulls off his hat and runs a hand through his hair, finally forcing himself to make eye contact with Murdoc. There are tears in his eyes, but he's fighting them back. It's just... the memory of that night is always so vivid. It always hurts so goddamn much.]

The point I'm trying to make is we both do shit we don't fucking mean to do when we're upset. The point is if I can fix that, then you can fix this. Because you deserve some credit, you're not nearly as fucked up as I am, man. You just... You need to go tell him you're sorry. I know he might've said some shit that you don't agree with, but you just... You're his dad. He's a kid. You need to suck it up and go tell him you're sorry. You need to hug the shit out of him and tell him you fucking love him more than anything. Because I know you do. If you're anything like me, there isn't a goddamn thing you wouldn't do for him.

[And he's done. He reaches up to wipe at his eyes, drawing in a shaky breath. Jesus Christ that was hard to say. His chest hurts and he's shaking slightly.]

He's always makin' assumptions like that on my behalf. [He shrugs effortlessly, looking down at the desk.]

I know this by now, Dirk. I'm his father and I shouldn't have been so harsh. It's not my place to pander to his arguements. I should've just apologised. I was disgustingly petty toward him.

[Now he's just working himself up again. He knows Dirk has more to say, and he should really be listening to it right now. He needs advice more than anything or he'll wind up making things even worse somehow.

He sinks into his chair, still starting at the desk. He feels like such an ass right now, and it makes him feel even stranger to be schooled by Dirk of all people. When did he become the more mature of the two? Murdoc must have been walking around with his eyes closed this whole time.

He can't help but widen his eyes at that confession, though he's trying not to look obviously put out by it. He doesn't want Dirk to feel like he's being judged for it. Afterall, Murdoc has had terrifying moments like those. When he stops being aware of the situation, when he's so angry he just blacks out and forgets that he's arguing with one of his sons. He's come so close to striking them before and the guilt he feels when he realises it is enough to make him feel terrible as it is. He can't imagine how it would feel if he'd snapped.

The hurt is so obvious in Dirk right now, he wants to reach out and comfort him somehow. But how? How much is too much contact? How much will actually help? He's making eye contact again, staying silent for a moment before he reaches out ever so slightly. He had intended to take the other man's hand, but he hesitates midway, letting it rest on the table instead.]

I understand. [He nods, because that's all that really needs to be said.] You've changed, you know.

Edited 2012-10-01 08:42 (UTC)

[When Murdoc speaks, his eyes finally flick away from the man, unable to look at him after that. To be honest, he's flattered. He might not entirely believe it, but it's a good feeling to know that someone thinks he's changed since he's arrived. Because he's been trying. For Dave, for Dirk... It's been a long, slow process but he's at least been trying. Acknowledgement feels nice.

His eyes linger on Murdoc's hand, the one he'd seen move towards him. He isn't sure if he imagined it or if Murdoc really had been about to do what he thought he was. He realizes he wants it. That it would be comforting... But he just isn't sure if Murdoc would want it. Nonetheless, he slides his hand forward. He tries to play it off like a random hand movement, but his fingers brush against Murdoc's hand gently, index finger nudging invitingly. If Murdoc wants to take his hand, he can. But it can also be ignored.]

Thanks... It doesn't feel much like I have though, sometimes. So've you, though... Or maybe not so much. Maybe my perception of you's just changed. I dunno.

[Murdoc very nearly jerks his hand away in surprise when he feels Dirk's fingertips brush against it. He hadn't been expecting that at all, and he certainly has no idea why it had him very flustered for a brief moment.

He's not quite ready to make the leap and take his hand, he's really too scared of Dirk's reaction to try. So, in a very idle manner, he's going to graze his own fingers against the other man's hand whilst looking in another direction. As if what's happening between them is beyond his control. As if his hand is moving for itself.

He makes a thoughtful noise at the conversation. It's true he's changed, but he really doubts Dirk has seen the development he's made. Not only as a person, but as a father. And really, it's all because of a few less than favourable events that he's here at all. It's the only reason he's made leaps and bounds and grown as a person.]

I most certainly have changed, though it wouldn't be entirely of my own volition. I'm fairly sure if I'd stayed an auror things would be much the same. Though you wouldn't know me if I hadn't.. [Does he really want to go into this?] ..stopped.

[He hums again, tapping his fingers so they slide against Dirk.] Funny how life works like that. [Wouldn't have been very fucking funny if he died an auror and a piss poor excuse for a dad.]

[Bro is quiet for a long moment. He's half caught up in the feeling of Murdoc's fingers against his hand, though that doesn't mean he isn't listening. Because he is. It's just really distracted by the whole hand thing. A part of him really wants to take hold of it, but he's... almost afraid to.

Instead, before he responds, he does the next best thing, which means he slowly and hesitantly moves his hand and hooks his index finger around Murdoc's. To keep himself from wussing out, he speaks immediately after, heart beating just a little faster.]

Yeah... funny. I'm pretty sure if I hadn't become a teacher, I'd still be alone.

[A heavy and awkward silence follows- or at least to him it feels that way, because that seemed like... an awkward thing to say. And implied a lot more than there really was to even imply. After a moment, he clears his throat.]

I wouldn't have friends, I mean. And... I'd have a shitty relationship with Dave. Just... a lot of things'd be different.

[He's glad Dirk made the first move. He'd been considering it, of course, but he's started to rely on the other man to intiate most of the scary things like physical contact and feelings. He'd expected himself to hesitate, but he squeezes Dirk's finger with his own almost instantly. It's a little bit silly, really, that they're so shy about holding hands that they can barely manage to hold each others fingers.

He clears his throat too, letting his eyes drift around the room before they just settle back on their fingers.]

It is incredibly difficult to become withdrawn in such a crowded place. I can't say I really regret havin' to give up my job and come here.

[He shrugs his shoulders slightly.] I hadn't even realised I'd missed Eridan so terribly. [Or Sybille. Or people in general.]

[At least Bro has the excuse of just not being used to this sort of physical affection. It's all very much new territory for him. Kissing? He can do that. Hugging? Eh, he's getting better at that. But little things like hand holding- or finger holding? Haaah, awkward as fuck.

But he won't deny that it feels really good.]

Yeah, it's... Easy to get caught up in shit for a while and then suddenly realize 'Holy shit, they're growing up.'

I guess that kinda happened for me. I wanted to be there so I could stop missing out on everything... Well- Uh. Alright, so I guess I kinda wanted to do it to mess with him a bit. That was before, though. My perspective's changed a little.

[And yeah. He definitely didn't realize how much he missed people, either.]

[Murdoc is about as good at it as Bro is, really. He's not affectionate in general and it can be...difficult for him to understand when he's meant to be hugging or kissing or. linking fingers with the guy he's meant to be avoiding.

He's worried by it, about whether Bro is actually enjoying it and whether he should even be doing it, but he can't seem to let go.]

You've got that right. [He smirks slightly.] After everythin' I've put Eridan through, I felt like it might be time to step up and be there for him. It's just startin' to feel like bein' there really isn't helpin' him at all.

[Bro scoffs at that, shaking his head slightly. On reflex, the finger twined with Murdoc's tightens.]

Oh believe me, I know that feeling. It's really fucking difficult. You just feel like you're doing way more harm than good even though you're trying as hard as you fucking can.

[He has a lot of feelings on the subject.]

It's exhausting.

Edited 2012-10-23 03:02 (UTC)

It's frustratin' is what it is.

[Okay, so he might be a little grumpy over this still. He's sad, don't get him wrong, but he stupidly expected Eridan to understand.]

No matter what I do, he's always goin' to assume I've forgotten about Catherine. Or that I'm tryin' to replace her. As if I don't deserve a life beyond her.

[He nods. God, he can understand this. He can understand this so well. It's different, but at the same time so completely the same.]

I'm not sure what's worse. The way Eridan clings to her and expects you to as well, or the way Dave takes every goddamn opportunity he can get to say what a whore Roxanne is.

[Somewhere along the way, his hand shifts of its own accord and ends up on top of Murdoc's without him even realizing it.]

Kids, eh? No concept of respect or understandin'. Everythin' is either your fault or some other adults fault, isn't it?

[He sighs loudly, slinking his other hand forward so he can cup Dirk's between both of them. This talk is comforting, and it feels good to say these things, but there's this nagging feeling in the back of his mind that tells him to lean forward and kiss Dirk. But he can't let himself do that.]

Yeah, pretty fucking much. It gets old...

[He trails off with a sigh, and then that's about the time he realizes just what they're doing. With the whole hand thing. It'd just been a thing that had happened naturally without him even realizing it, and now that he did tensed up. He didn't understand why he felt so goddamn awkward about it, but he did.

He pulled his hands away, clearing his throat. But to disguise it, he shook his head and spoke.]

Y'know we got really goddamn off track. You ain't supposed to be ranting about it. You're supposed to be sucking it up and going to tell him how sorry you are. S'the only thing that'll fix it. As frustrating as it is, you just gotta do it.

[He swallows, trying to ignore the way his hand tingles. And how much he really wishes he hadn't pulled away from Murdoc's hands.]

So go. Shoo. Skedaddle. Off with ya.

[Murdoc only nods in agreement, staying silent as Dirk speaks and watching him intently. He might have come for advice, but he really wasn't feeling all that talkative right now. He's just exhausted, yet strangely comfortable with Dirk at this very moment.

When Dirk's hands move, his own slip idly down the desk, folding over his lap as if nothing had ever happened between them. He feels like there might be something ironic and symbolic about their hand play, but now isn't the time to dwell on it.

He nods again.]

Understood.

[His mouth twists into a small half frown and half pout as he's dismissed, but he knows Dirk is right to do so. He rises from his chair, bowing his head at Dirk before turning to walk toward the door. It feels wrong to up and leave so suddenly, but he worried about what he might have done if he lingered so close to Dirk. Once he gets to the door, he turns and smiles slightly at the other man.]

Thank you, Dirk. I needed that.

[He watches Murdoc head towards the door, a weird feeling of emptiness growing the more he watches him leave. He really wishes that Murdoc could stay. But he knows he definitely needs to go and deal with the shit he has going on. That was the whole point in giving him that pep talk. Bro can't just keep him there and hog his time when there are clearly more important matters to attend to.

But when Murdoc turns back around and he catches that smile, Bro realizes something. Well a part of him has realized it the entire time. The dude could use a hug. Like honestly if there was ever a person that could use a hug, it was Murdoc at that moment. Maybe he was just being sappy or something, but. Hell, he'd gone through so much. And he kinda just looked so sad. And maybe Bro thought he could use something positive before going into such a difficult talk.

And maybe he just wanted to hug him, was that so bad? But mostly it was because Murdoc needed it.

He was on his feet in a flash, making his way over before Murdoc could turn back around.]

I just realized something else I'm pretty sure you could use, too.

[And before he can chicken out, he steps closer and wraps his arms around Murdoc, pulling him into a rather tight hug.]

[The hug is, of course, a huge surprise for Murdoc. What is being able to read situations? What is affection? He straightens and tenses the moment Dirk's arms wrap around him and he stumbles as he's pulled forward. It feels good, so good, but he feels so awkward. His arms are just hanging by his side as he stands there.

Yet, he finds himself leaning into it, his arms slowly lifting to wind around Dirk's back. Much better. Much more comforting. He feels ridiculous in a way, but safe. It's good to feel taken care of, he'd almost forgotten what it was like. For someone to care unconditionally when he can't give them anything? When they aren't obligated to? It's strange.

He wants to indulge it. So he leans in with the intention of burying his face against Dirk's neck. Only he misses and his face doesn't end up there at all. He's kissing him. Why is he kissing him. Their lips are touching and he doesn't want to pull away. He wants to unwind his arms from around Dirk but they only seem to tighten in quiet desperation. His brain is telling him to stop, but something far more instinctual is urging him to relish this moment and continue.

Nope. Nope nope nope. He jerks his face away, only to finally bury it against Dirk's neck. He feels like a god damn desperate teenager right now, it's pathetic.]

[The kiss is more of a surprise to Bro than the hug possibly could have been for Murdoc, which is stupid considering how often he's kissed people before. It really shouldn't have been much of a big deal to Bro. But it was, for so many different reasons. For one, he hadn't intended to take it to that level. He just wanted to give the guy a comforting hug and send him on his way.

The other reason he was surprised by it was the fact Murdoc was initiating it. Did Bro want to kiss him? Yes. Up until then he'd been used to being the one to initiate everything. He'd been the one chasing after Murdoc and trying to get what he wanted. For Murdoc to be the one to start something, and a kiss of all things, was just. Kind of mindblowing.

So with all of that in mind, it took him entirely too long to respond to the kiss. By the time he leaned in and attempted to return it, Murdoc pulled away. Bro's face is probably really red, but it's okay because Murdoc can't see him. Bro's hand just kind of... slowly finds it's way up Murdoc's back, before running up into Murdoc's hair. He scratches at it gently, hopefully comfortingly.]

It'll be alright, man. You can do this! I believe in you...That kiss was nice...

[The longer he waits for a response of any sort, the more he just wants to wither away. Shrivel up into dust and blow away dramatically so he'll never be seen again. That would be very helpful right now.

Why? He's just. Not cut out to handle this sort of stuff. All of these emotions he needs to deal with and everything he wants to have is not balancing out the way he'd like it to.

That kiss kind of summed up how horrible he was at it, really. He was meant to be avoiding Strider. Not throwing himself into his arms and holding his hands and kissing him. God, he's such a fucking idiot. Such a damn fool. Strider. That is. Because this had to be his fault somehow. Is running his hand through his hair? He is. Fuck. That's nice. He grunts quietly, not sure if he wants it to stop. No. Nonono. He does want it to stop, so he grunts again and moves his head away.

Still, his lips can't help but curl upward into the tiniest smile at Dirk's comment, but he schools himself into a stern expression. He steps backward, nodding at Dirk as he opens the door.]

Good evenin', Strider. [And with one final stare he's just going to. Slip through the door and stride far, far away to find his son.]

[Despite all of the awkwardness, Bro is actually rather enjoying this. It's nice... even if they probably shouldn't be doing it. He's finding it harder and harder to care about that, though. Just... being close. Sharing this moment. It's really nice, and when it does finally come to an end, he's a little sad.

But he understands Murdoc's reaction, and so he doesn't let it get to him.]

Evenin', man.

[Watching him walk away this time is considerably easier than that night in the prefect's bathroom. Maybe it's because this time it doesn't feel like the last time, or like he blew his chances.

He lets out a sigh, heading back over to his chair and plopping down into it. It's safe to say he isn't going to be getting anything productive done. Not with so damn much on his mind.

Not with that kiss on his mind.]

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