sortinghat_logs | SWIMMINGGEDDON.

[Murdoc almost feels bad, but he's not fully aware of how venomous he sounds right now. He wants to be angry and he wants to wander off in a huff but it hurts too fucking much to even think about that.

He hates the idea that he was being toyed with, because he's most certainly convinced himself that Bro was playing a trick on him. It hurts, but almost entirely because he had a moment where he felt they might come to like each other. He feels like that awkward kid in school who can't ever seem to make friends and it infuriates him.

He bites his lip the second Bro's hands start to work his back. It hurts so fucking much and yet it feels damn good. It's been far too long since he's had someone deal with his back and it's so sore that the slightest contact is enough to coaxe a loud, desperate groan out of his mouth.

Fuck.

He's just going to bite his arm now.]

[Bro keeps at it despite the noises. Under normal circumstances, he probably would've been turned on by them, but damn if he's just too upset right now. He wants to fix this, he wants to stop feeling so goddamn awkward. He wants to feel like himself again, but he just doesn't. He feels like an awkward teenager and it sucks.

He realizes he's going to have to talk if it means actually fixing it. As he works Murdoc's back, he fights to get up the courage. It's stupid, he knows it's stupid, he shouldn't be this goddamn afraid. He doesn't even get why he is. So the man complimented his eyes. Should he really let that affect him so much?

No. He shouldn't. But.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck his feelings. Fuck them hard with something spikey. Just fuck them. Dealing with people is hard. Dealing with people the who he wants to get along with is even harder. Dealing with someone he kind of wants to have sex with and actually likes is the hardest.

It's a long moment before he finally finds it in himself to open his mouth and speak and when he does, he sounds hesitant and queit.]

I didn't do it to be an asshole, y'know...

[Murdoc is keeping the noises down to soft grunts now, trying not to let another horrible noise out again despite how glorious this feels.

He buries his face further into his arms as Bro speaks up, not really sure how to approach that. He's hopeful, for some strange reason, but he's worried speaking might crush that hope entirely. Still, it's not as if he can just ignore the other man for fear of being hurt. He might stop rubbing his back.]

Then why? [Can't stop the little noises escaping now that he's stopped biting his arms.]

Edited 2012-09-14 23:18 (UTC)

Because-

[...Because why? It's then he realizes he doesn't know for absolute sure. A lot of reasons. But he can't say that. That's not a real answer. But he doesn't know what the real answer is.

And that's when an answer does come to mind. It's not the real truth, but it's a valid answer. It'll work until he can think of the real one, at least. At least he hopes. It's harder to work through his feelings than he ever expected.]

I got tired of you brushing me off.

Brushin' you off? [He almost wants to twist around so he can give bro the super incredulous look he has.

Ever since the first day, Bro has been mocking him and generally fucking around. Not enough to make him hate him, no, but enough to make him wary. Still, he certainly cannot recall ever getting a chance to brush him off.

Unless...]

When did I ever brush you off?

You just...

[He trails off, as he presses his hands into Murdoc's back, continuing to massage him, maybe a bit harder than he meant to, but this was a hard conversation to have. He doesn't know what to say.

He doesn't know what he wants.

Or maybe he does. Maybe he always has, and he's just suddenly afraid. Yeah.

Yeah he did always know what he wanted. He wanted more than one thing. He wanted to get along better with Murdoc, but he also kind of just. Wanted to.

Do him.

And ever since their earlier conversation, he's been scared of doing that. He convinced himself that maybe he hadn't ever really wanted to. But he did. He never stopped wanted to fuck Murdoc Donoghue. Except before it was just a game, and now it's less of a game and something he just. Wants to experience.

Goddamn lousy feelings.]

Turn over.

[He speaks abruptly and demandingly. He's hopefully massaged him enough that he can roll over without hurting too bad. And words just aren't working for him right now. Suddenly he just feels like he needs to take action, to really fucking show him. Even if his heart's hammering.

But after a second, he adds...] Please.

I just...? [He trails off as well, an expectant inflection in his voice.] I just what, Strider?

[He peers over his back at him, feeling far less tense and a lot less pissed off now that his back has been rubbed and his fears have been pushed to the side for the better part.

However, the expression on Bro's face is concerning. He's not sure he's ever seen such a serious look plastered over it. Perhaps it's because he's getting a full view of those beautiful, expressive eyes. Pity he has no idea what he's expressing.

With a curt nod, Murdoc is carefully twisting himself around. He's drawn by his curiousity like a moth to flame and he's giving Bro an intrigued look as he shifts into a cross legged position. He doesn't want to look too eager, but he's really wanting to know whatever was so important that he needed to turn around for it. Maybe he intends on telling him his real name.

He's going to peer into Bro's orange eyes with his own inquisitive grey ones, tilting his head ever so slightly and ever so eloquently verbalising his curiousity.]

Yeah?

[His heart is hammering more than it has any right to, and he hates himself for it. He feels like such a teenage girl. But. Goddamn it. When is the last time he's dealt with anything like this? Not since Roxanne, before Dave was born. After that, it's just been one meaningless one night stand after the other. He's never let any sort of feelings get involved. Six months ago he would've had no problem going for this. It would've just been nothing. But now... fucking hell.

He tries to keep Murdoc's gaze even though it's hard to. He's fucking scared, but. He's already set himself up for it, he can't back out now. There's apprehension in his eyes, if Murdoc is looking hard enough. And he probably is. He can feel the intensity of it. The curiosity. It makes him just want to look away, but he holds the stare. His mouth is dry, and he swallows.]

You haven't made this fucking easy for me, y'know. I never fucking... This wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't supposed to turn into this fucking... thing. This was never supposed to be so goddamn awkward. But then you had to go and get all... Nice. I didn't fucking expect it. It was kind of a game at first, then then you had to screw up and make me all... This!

[He's not making sense, he knows that. He knows it, he's hyper aware of it. But he just can't find the coherency in him. So he's rambling.]

Every time I brought it up before, you'd just act like a huge asshole. I never expected you to... say that. The thing you did. You're just so... not what I fucking expected. And it's not a fucking game anymore and that's the weirdest fucking thing about this, and I just...

[He lets out a frustrated groan, throwing up his hands in defeat.

And that's when he just goes for it. He leans in, pressing his lips to Murdoc's as his heart literally skips a beat. There's a part of him is screaming 'WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING' and then there's the other part of him that's just like 'FUCK YES FINALLY' and he's a big, huge ball of.

Confusion. And feelings.

And apprehension. Mostly apprehension.

And contentment.]

Edited 2012-09-15 00:13 (UTC)

[Murdoc can sense the tension. He's not totally oblivious, just extraordinarily singleminded and stubborn. He hadn't factored the idea of Bro noticing him in that sense in his mind at all, and so the thought hadn't really occured to him.

He looks stupidly interested in whatever Bro has to confess, but there's a knot in his stomach as he runs over the possibilities. Did he want to confess that he's dating Sybille? Does he want him to be the best man at their wedding? Does he even know Strider well enough to justify that? Actually that seems very awkward. He's getting anxious now.

He quirks his eyebrows at Bro as he starts his rant, raising and lowering them as he tries to fathom what he's saying. All this? All what? All in love with his best fucking friend? He's practically snarling her- wait what?

His voice is soft, mostly because he's so damn unsure.]

I was a game?

[He watches those hands fly up, utterly unaware when the other man's lips connect with his. He bristles at first, his first reaction is to be defensive. As if he should shove Bro off him and give him a smack. His body, however, doesn't seem to respond to that idea. He's leaning in, why is he leaning in? Why are you closing your eyes? This isn't a fucking love story, why are you leaning in and shutting your eyes!?]

[Bro can't even fathom answering that question now that his lips are on Murdocs... Now that Murdoc is leaning into the kiss. He never expected that. To be honest he fully expected Murdoc to push him away. Punch him. He just. Murdoc was kissing him back, and that made his heart thud harder. His own eyes close and he presses into it further. Tentatively, his hand comes up to rest on Murdoc's chest.

And then even more tentatively, he opens his mouth and flicks out his tongue.

There's still a part of him that can't even believe this is happening.]

[He most certainly is leaning in, and now that he's in it's harder to imagine moving back. Strider tastes good and he feels good and sparing the aggressive kisses from two fiesty ladies, he hasn't done anything like this in a while.

He grunts softly into the kiss, feeling himself warm a little at the touch. It's starting to hit him. All the teasing, all the times he thought he was attacking him, he was flirting? Strider likes him? Strider wants more from him? He reaches in to take the hand in his, giving it a firm squeeze and holding it for a long moment before he tugs it forward, using his other hand to punch Bro in the stomach.

Murdoc is good at a lot of things, but pulling back from kisses has never been his forte. Nor is he good at taking surprises.]

I don't know your name! [Okay. That was a weird thing to exclaim. C'mon Murdoc, try harder.] Shit- [I'm sorry.] You surprised me. [You leaned in, Murdoc.]

Edited 2012-09-15 01:00 (UTC)

[Feeling Murdoc physically getting into the kiss is reassuring. It just makes him feel so much better. So much less awkward. It makes him feel just. Amazing, really. He can feel all the tensity melting away and he relaxes a lot. He takes Murdoc's hand without much pushing and when he's squeezed, he squeezes back, letting out a quiet hum of contentment into the kiss.

And then Murdoc punches him, and it turns into a grunt, pulling away and doubling over slightly. He's so close though that his forehead comes to rest on Murdoc's chest when he doubles over, but he's too focused on the pain in his stomach to care. It's not so much physical pain as it is... emotional pain. Because he thought everything was fine.

When Murdoc speaks again, everything still seems... sort of fine. But he's so damn confused and nothing makes sense anymore.]

...Dirk... D'you do that to everybody who kisses you or what?

Dirk is a nice name, why did you change it? Bro is a stupid name.

[He's going to stare judgementally down at Bro's head on his chest, but he isn't going to shift or move him. It's acutally quite comfortable.

He reaches out and gives his shoulder a firm pat, as if to boost his confidence.]

Not girls. No. Consider it a special exception. [He sniffs.] Why did you do that?

[That comment plus the shoulder pat is enough to make Bro feel like Murdoc's being condescending, so he finally pulls off of Murdoc and takes a step or two back. This time, his eyes aren't on Murdoc, he looks away because he's back to feeling awkward and vulnerable.]

Why'd I do what? [His voice sounds... sulky? Yeah, sulky is a good word to describe it. The punch did everything to knock his ego down. He doesn't know what to feel and he's just... blargle.]

[Murdoc feels a pang of guilt when Dirk steps away from him. He feels stupid, because he is stupid. That's not how you handle being scared of something. He doesn't know why he always needs to default to being defensive and aggressive, but it hurts to know it pushes people away like this.

He fidgets a little, rubbing the back of his neck and avoiding eye contact as well.]

Would've thought you'd prefer Sybille. Not me. I don't know why you kissed me.

[Oh. Well fuck.

Somehow throughout all of this, he entirely forgot that Murdoc and Sybille had never seemed like a thing. And Murdoc apparently... knew about that thing they did a couple of months ago. He realizes now how his own actions probably make him look like a total douchebag player. Fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckedy fuck.]

It was one time, and we both agreed it was just... sex. Nothing else. I mean, yeah, I like her, but... it's nothing big or anything. We're not a thing.

[He lets out a sigh, taking a second to gather his thoughts. This keeps getting progressively more difficult and he isn't sure how to respond.]

I kissed you because... I dunno. I don't fucking know. Because maybe I fucking like you or something. Maybe you're more than I thought you were and I actually think that's fucking awesome, because you're more than just a hot face. I never expected to feel that way, but there you fucking go.

[Murdoc clears his throat, trying to fill some of his own awkward silence. Yes, he tended to jump to conclusions, but there were more than a few signs pointing toward it.

He's not sure how he's meant to feel right now. Now that he knows Sybille isn't with Dirk and now that he knows Dirk feels this way. He can't deny the fact that his stupid heart flutters in a stupidly romantic way when he thinks about that kiss from a few moments ago.]

So. You and Sybille are just. Havin' sex. An' you like her, but just for sex. An' you like me, but you don't just want to have sex with me?

[He gives Dirk a bewildered look.] When did you decide this? Is that why you wanted to go swimmin'?

[Bro isn't sure what to say to that. He shifts awkwardly and lets out a quiet sigh. He feels so... so, so, so vulnerable right now. Awkward, and just. He wishes things could go back to during the kiss. When things felt amazing. When he actually had hope. But now he's just faced with his own confused feelings.]

We're not having sex. It was one time.

[Before he continues, he reaches up to run a hand through his damp hair, still not looking at Murdoc. At least not at first. After a few seconds, he lets his eyes flick back over to him, but he doesn't look him in the face.]

And... yeah. I guess- I mean, I... I dunno. I dunno when I decided it. I've wanted to have sex with you for a while, but then...

[There's another frustrated sigh, before he finally just blurts out,] But then you told me that about my eyes and it just... Everything changed. It's not a fucking game anymore, I... actually want you. Goddamnit.

One time. Alright.

[He seems oddly satisfied by that. He smiles faintly at Dirk, standing up from the cot finally so he can have that one inch of height over him. He's smiling in a serene manner, because while he enrages and confuses him, Dirk is just so heartwarmingly endearing he can't help but smile.

He reaches out to cup his cheek, stroking his thumb over a cheekbone and leaning in a little.]

It's goin' to take a little more than a revelation and a kiss to make me fall for you, Dirk Strider. I'm not that easy, lad. Even if you have gorgeous eyes.

[Bro's first instinct is to flinch away from the touch, but at the same time he doesn't want to. There's a brief moment where his head twitches like it's about to move away, but ultimately he just leaves it there.

It's when Murdoc finally speaks that he realizes how ridiculous this is. How ridiculous he's been sounding. Like maybe he's been sounding like some lovesick puppy. Suddenly his face is burning with embarrassment and anger at himself. He's been stupid and idiotic and he just feels...

Really, really dumb.

The last thing that Murdoc says though, that at least eases it a little. Stops him from storming off angrily.]

Wait- wait just a fucking second, I- I'm not saying I'm in love with you or anything, y'know. Just for clarification. I didn't have this stupidass, cheesy romcom-esque epiphany where you compliment me and suddenly I'm head over heels! This- this is fucking confusing, y'know? I don't know how the fuck I feel!

I never said you were in love with me. [He shrugs lazily.]

Doesn't meant I'm goin' to take my pants off for you because you start smoochin' me.

[He's going to start edging toward the door now, scooping up the shirt he brought with him and tugging it on.]

Good night, Dirk.

Edited 2012-09-15 02:52 (UTC)

[Bro is quiet through everything he says, because he honestly isn't sure what to say. At all. He still feels stupid and just. Like this was all a mistake. Like he opened up more of himself than he ever should've. Murdoc's answer feels like a letdown, and he isn't used to it being this way. He's never been used to feelings being involved.

When Murdoc moves to get his stuff, Bro just stares at the floor. When he says the last thing, Bro finally turns to look at him but his back is already turned and he's headed out.

He wants to say something, to ask him to wait. To clarify that he's not, and... And he wants to ask where the hell they're supposed to go from this. He opens his mouth to call after him, but he just. Can't get the words out.

He's stupid. He's stupid and it just kind of sucks. He turns and bends down to pick his stuff up, pulling on his shirt and then planting his shades firmly on his face. But he doesn't leave the bathroom. Not yet. He kind of just.

Wants to sit on the cot and thing about how stupid he is.

How good the kiss was. But in the end, the silence is just too defeaning, and he finally unsummons the cot and makes his way out of the bathroom and back to his room.]

SWIMMINGGEDDON.

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