sortinghat_logs | The Tallest Tower

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The Tallest Tower

WHO: Tavros Nitram, Karkat Vantas
TONE: Kind of Dark
RATING: PG-13, mentions of suicide so a little triggery.
WHEN: April 24th, after this
WHERE: the Astronomy Tower
WHAT: Tavros is depressed- more than he has been ever, pretty much. And he said something that freaked Karkat the hell out.
STATUS: in progress
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Tavros didn't think he'd ever felt this crushingly miserable in his entire life. Ever since the rap battle, he'd been feeling increasingly inferior and inadequate as a friend, because everyone else always seemed to need to step in and solve his problems for him. He'd felt better after his talk with Karkat in the library, though it was more like he'd just pushed the feelings to the back of his mind. When he'd talked to Equius, he'd brought them out and just stabbed the. Over and over until Tavros felt like vomiting because he was just so upset.

And then Karkat had stepped, and it had made Tavros feel that much worse, because it meant once again he was just a burden. Someone people had to defend, that couldn't stand up for himself. And he'd lied in the conversation with Equius, too. He'd told him that his dreams weren't taken away, that he still had them. That was a lie. Equius had taken them, and he'd crushed them.

That was why he'd gone to the Astronomy tower. Being so high up, it made him feel like he was flying. It always did- and yet, now that he was sitting under the stars, it didn't feel the same. Not after he'd experienced what it was like flying for real. It just felt like a cruel slap in the face now. It didn't feel as high as it used to. It didn't help him capture his dreams back like he'd hoped it would. Because that's the only reason he'd gone to the astronomy tower in the first place.

He'd closed his journal after telling Karkat where he was, because he had stairs to get up, and those were always difficult. He hadn't known that what he'd said would be particularly alarming. Honestly that thought, as miserable as he was, had never crossed Tavros's mind. As shitty as life was sometimes, he liked living. Sometimes it was fun, and the fun always seemed to outweigh the bad, when it was happening. He may have been dangerously close to the edge, but it was only so he could look out over the grounds, feel the wind and just try and pretend that everything wasn't terrible. That he was in the air and flying.

But he wasn't looking out over the grounds, nor did he have his arms spread out like he was flying. Instead, he was hugging himself and shaking violently with sobs, his eyes clenched tight as he just thought about nothing but what a stupid, horrible failure he was. He couldn't do anything right, he couldn't keep secrets, or stand up for people, or help anyone, or be confident. He couldn't be anything he wanted to be. He couldn't be a hero.

He was just Tavros, the crippled burden.

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Of course Karkat had taken the other boy going to the Astronomy Tower as bad. That was the only way to take it when someone was being verbally abused and the douche doing it didn't know when to fucking stop.

After chewing Equius out, Karkat ran to the tower. He didn't know how much time he had. When he came across Gamzee beating the crap out of Equius, he barely had time to spit take before continuing on, telling the older Slytherin to give him hell, even though he doubted Gamzee could hear him.

The stairs leading up to the Astronomy Tower were hell on any other day, but they were especially irritating right now. Karkat had no time for stairs, taking them two at a time and trying not to trip up them, screaming mentally at himself for being such an idiot. It was his fault Equius was pissed off at them in the first place. Tavros had nothing to do with it aside from the whole dress suggestion.

After what seemed like an eternity, he finally reached the top of the stairs and threw the door open, hoping that he wasn't going to find an empty wheelchair. He couldn't begin to explain the relief that washed over him when he saw Tavros there, the other boy's sobs reaching his ears through the hollow of the tower.

He was going to kill Equius, he decided as he strode across the platform, stalk slowing down to a few hesitant steps before he reached the other boy. He wasn't sure what to do, but his feet kept walking him over until he found himself directly behind and before he knew it he was leaning down, pressing his face into Tavros's mohawk and wrapping his arms around his shoulders.

Tavros knew who it was without even having to look. He didn't want to look. He hated himself for actually telling Karkat where he'd gone, because it meant he would of course come looking for him. He hated that he made people worry, and that they had to do things for him. And even more than that he especially hated the fact that he was such a horrible friend to Karkat the most.

It felt like he just kept causing problems for him. For everyone, yes, but mostly Karkat. He'd made him confused, he'd made him break up with Feferi, he made him fight with Equius, and just... so many things, and he hated himself for it.

So instead of taking comfort at the feeling of Karkat against him, he just cringed and let out another sob. He shook even harder, and couldn't even get a word out even though he opened his mouth to tell Karkat to go away, that he didn't need him or want him there, because he didn't deserve it.

But that would've been a lie. He was selfish, he did want Karkat there. He did, and it made him feel worse, and made him cry even harder. His wheelchair inched forward, and if he leaned forward anymore in his chair, there was a good chance he would fall over the low wall by accident.

Edited 2012-04-26 08:17 (UTC)

Karkat stepped his foot on the break of the wheelchair as soon as he felt it move underneath them, slamming it down with his sneaker and very nearly driving it through with the force. He kept his arms tight around Tavros's shoulders, almost in a choke hold but letting off a little. His body shook, tears of anger and frustration starting to leak from his eyes.

He'd already watched one person die in front of him, he wasn't going to let the Hufflepuff be the second.

He almost collapsed into the hug, shoosh noises coming from the back of his throat, a little hitched. He lifted his head, fingers carding through the other boy's hair soothingly. He kept stroking and shooshing, not letting up for even a minute. This worked with Gamzee for some strange reason, he could only hope it would work with Tavros.

He pressed his forehead back on top of Tavros's head, stroking the back with his hand.

Tavros hadn't even realized his wheelchair had been inching forward, or that he was even at a risk of falling, so when Karkat's foot kicked his break, it startled him and his whole body tensed further. But he didn't look up and he just let out more sobs and shook harder. He thought he'd made Karkat angry, and in a way that made him feel better, because it was what he deserved. When Karkat's grip tightened on him, he let out a whimper.

When Karkat began the shooshing noises, and he felt the fingers in his mohawk, Tavros had to fight to not go back to sobbing uncontrollably. Karkat wasn't mad at him. He was still trying to make him feel better. He didn't deserve that. He didn't want that. But at the same time, if he didn't have it then he would be alone. If he got what he wanted, what he felt like he deserved, then he would have no one left, and he didn't think he could handle that.

No, he knew he couldn't handle that. He drew in a shaky breath, and buried his face in his hands to muffle the new sobs that wrenched out of him. He hated this, he hated all of it. Tavros wasn't allowing himself to be comforted by Karkat's shooshing, he was trying to drown it out, even, because he hated himself for actually needing it.

Finally, he opened his mouth to say the only thing that he could even manage. Even if it wouldn't actually help, because he knew that no amount of apologizing could make him be the friend he wanted to be. "I-I'm s-sorry."

Karkat wasn't mad at Tavros, no. He was pissed off at Equius. There was really no way to describe the anger he felt towards the Ravenclaw boy. He kept stroking the other boy's hair, rocking a little bit. He had no idea how he knew how to do this, just that it was something that he knew how to do. He didn't care whether or not it made the Hufflepuff feel better, that was beside the point.

He knew the apology was coming before it even left Tavros's mouth. Karkat let another shoosh leave his throat before he lifted his head from his, sighing softly. "Don't be sorry."

"I-I am," he choked out. Karkat's words only made him feel more helpless, more angry at himself for being so broken. "B-Because I'm such a f-failure, and, a-a r-really bad friend." He shook with another sob. "I-I keep messing up... B-Because I'm broken and, worthless, a-and people always have to d-do things for me. I-I can't, do things f-for people l-like I want to," his voice was shaky and it was an effort even speak at all anymore, "b-because I just, m-mess up. I'm just, st-stupid and, a-a burden on everyone!"

"Shut the fuck up right now and listen to me, Tavros Nitram." The Gryffindor pulled away and took a few steps around until he was standing in front of the other boy, leaning down and placing his hands on the armrests of his wheelchair.

"You're better than that worthless asshole gives you credit for being. You've never made anyone cry for the sake of your own gratification, you've never tried to force your fucking opinion on others about how they should live their lives. You've never gotten off on people beating the fucking tar out of you. So what if you're a little broken? That doesn't fucking matter. You're not a burden. Friends do these kinds of things for each other. So stop your fucking blubbering. Because you're better than that."

At Karkat's command, he immediately tried to quiet himself down, though it wasn't so easy. He let out a few choked sounds, swallowing, trying to hold them back just so he didn't disobey Karkat. He wanted to at least do something right for once, if only the one small thing like that. But it wasn't possible for him to stop completely, and he shook harder from the effort of trying to suppress them.

He didn't look at Karkat when he leaned down, he just stared down at his own lap as tears spilled down his cheeks and his lip quivered. After a few seconds he bit it to make it stop. He listened to Karkat speak, and the entire time he just wanted to disagree with him. That wasn't true, he'd pushed Zuko to feel happy about being family with Xion. That was what had started this in the first place- or at least, pushed it in this direction.

But more than that, he just couldn't believe that Karkat would actually be able to feel that way. Not after how he'd made life so hard for him lately. Tavros felt responsible for everything, felt like it was completely his fault all because he was confused. He wished he'd never even started that dream journal, because that had started everything. It was his fault. If he'd just kept quiet, maybe Karkat wouldn't be so miserable.

"H-how," Tavros started, his voice a choked whisper. "How can, y-you even, say any of that, wh-when I've just, m-made everything s-so hard, for you?" He still didn't look up at Karkat, he just wiped at his eyes even though the tears were still coming. When it proved futile, he let out a whine and buried his face in his hands again, shaking his head back and forth in frustration.

"If I thought you were making things hard for me, I wouldn't be here, would I?"

Karkat had been feeling shitty since Sunday but that wasn't Tavros's fault. That was far from Tavros's fault. He shook his head before sighing a little, scooting just a bit closer until he was practically straddling the other boy's lap. He reached up, stroking his fingers through his hair again with a sigh.

"You scared the shit out of me, you idiot."

"B-but I am!" Tavros protested, nails digging into his forehead desperately. "I am, and, I j-just don't, understand why y-you're even my friend!"

At Karkat's next words, the confusion made him pause for a moment, a little caught off guard. Scared him? How had he even done that? He lowers his hands from his face, and stared up at Karkat for the first time. There was so much pain and sadness in his eyes, tears leaked from the corners still, and his lip quivered. "H-how?" he said, his eyebrows furrowing.

He blinks a little before raising an eyebrow. Tavros...really didn't understand how he'd sounded over the journals, did he? Karkat took his hand back and rubbed the back of his neck, glancing off to the side quietly for a moment. "...I thought you were gonna kill yourself."

The complete and total shock and fear that Tavros felt at that statement was enough to stop his tears entirely for the time being. His mouth fell open slightly, his eyes widened further, and the look in his eyes was replaced by one that clearly said he had never even considered doing that.

"Wh- I- you-?" he stammered out, unable to even form a complete sentence. He swallowed, drawing in a breath to try and calm himself down. But as he searched for something to say, his stomach twisted a little. He hadn't thought of it, but now that he was...

"I...I didn't, e-even think of that," he whispered, and in the statement there was clearly the implication that he was starting to wonder if it wasn't such an awful idea. But he couldn't do that, wouldn't, because... he liked living! Even if it was awful, even if he was so crushingly depressed then, the thought of that made him more physically ill than the brief moment he'd considered it as a possibility.

Tavros shook his head, eyebrows furrowing. "N-No, I... I would never, I- that's... no!" And then suddenly, he leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Karkat in a vice-like grip. "No, no, no...I-I c-couldn't and, I'm s-sorry!" Whether he was apologizing for worrying him or for not having the guts to actually do anyone that favour was unclear, but he let out a sob as he clung desperately to karkat.

Karkat nearly stumbled back with a bit of shock at the sudden grip. He'd only thought that the other boy was going to kill himself because it was the only logical conclusion he'd thought of when he'd said he was going to the Astronomy Tower. He sighed in relief, wrapping his arms around Tavros's shoulders and holding him tight.

"Don't ever think about doing it or I'll bring you back and kill you again myself, shit stain," he said, voice muffled by Tavros's hair as he hugged the other boy.

If it was possible, Tavros squeezed him tighter, while letting out a whimper at the insult. He squeezed harder, because the thought of doing it was scary and pretty much the worst thing imaginable, and he whimpered because despite the fact it was Karkat, and he was used to the Gryffindor saying things like that, it still hurt.

He pulled back, and wiped at his eyes as fresh tears welled in them and his lip began quivering more. "S-Sorry..." he repeated, turning his head away again, unable to look him in the eye. He felt silly, for so many reasons, and it combined with his misery to make him overall feel pretty awful.

Never mind the fact that magic would probably prevent him from doing it, he'd keep true to his word. When Tavros pulled back, he lowered his hand, brushing fingers underneath the other boy's eyes, following his own hands. He bit his bottom lip - that probably hadn't been the most positive thing to say to the Hufflepuff.

His lips quirked a little, a bit sadly though, and he slipped into Tavros's lap, leaning his face into the other boy's shoulder and closing his eyes with a relieved sigh. "Don't apologize. You haven't done anything wrong."

That wasn't true. That was so completely far from the truth, that Tavros felt a little frustrated that Karkat would deny it, when it was just so obviously untrue. "Y-yeah I have," he murmured. "I've...d-done everything wrong, and I'm just not a good friend." His mind flashed to everything lately that he'd done wrong, from fighting with Karkat, to making Karkat break up with Feferi, to blowing Equius's secret, and so many more things. "I keep, c-causing problems."

Karkat raised an eyebrow a little before leaning back. "Thing is, dude, we're teenagers. We're allowed to fuck things up and realize we made stupid mistakes." He glanced up at the sky before shrugging. "Hell, I've fucked things up my whole life."

"That's, not what I'm saying!" Tavros finally said, raising his voice and looking up at Karkat again. He didn't usually yell like that, but he was getting tired of not being understood, tired of Karkat just not getting it and denying it when it was just so obviously true. He was so miserable that even though he realized he had yelled, he didn't entirely regret it, though it bubbled in his stomach uncomfortably, mixing with in with the knots to create a gross nauseous feeling.

"It's...they're... n-not normal mistakes," he said, his voice dropping lower. "A-and some of them are b-because I'm just, w-weak and, broken..." He wiped at his eyes, because fresh tears had begun welling in them, and he let out a frustrated sigh. He couldn't even quit crying. He couldn't do anything. "I-I can't be a g-good friend, b-because I always m-mess up."

He pursed his lips together, a little surprised at the outburst. There wasn't many times when Tavros raised his voice like that, and obviously he didn't really know what the other boy was feeling. This wasn't like some kind of advice column or anything. "What's not normal about them? I'm trying to understand but I fail to see what makes your mistakes so different from everyone else's."

Tavros let out a frustrated sigh. "They're...just...different!" he finally managed to get out slowly. He just didn't know how to explain it in a way that Karkat could even understand. "I d-don't get how, you don't...u-understand, because it just s-seems really, obvious to me."

"Well, it seems to me like you're blowing things out of proportion." He crouched down in front of the other boy again, careful with his movements as he pillowed his head on his arms, resting them on Tavros's knees. He pursed his lips together. "I didn't break up with Feferi because of you, if that's what you're thinking. It was a bad time for both of us and it was a mutual agreement that it hadn't really been the best way to handle things." He shrugged. "I liked her, sure, but God fucking knows what I was thinking during that match."

"I... but, I'm the one who, m-made it happen! I mean, y-you would've s-stayed with her, if it w-wasn't for me!" Tavros said, staring down at Karkat as the Gryffindor looked up at him. "I'm not blowing it, o-out of proportion. It's my fault! Just l-like, everything else. P-people always have to do t-things for me, and I c-can't do anything f-for them, like that, because I-I always mess up."

He swallowed, and brought a hand up to wipe at his eyes again. "Like, the r-rap thing. It was for Gamzee, b-but I screwed it up, and c-caused you and Jade to fight..." At the thought of Jade, a whole new wave of misery washed over him. "S-she still likes you, b-but I'm just i-in the way." He let out a frustrated groan as he continued, "A-all because these... stupid feelings won't g-go away! We... w-were supposed to try and figure out stuff, and... I-I wasn't s-supposed to...I... they won't go a-away!"

Yeah, it wasn't supposed to go this way. Karkat wasn't supposed to be fighting down the urge to just go back and strangle Equius for the things that he said, even if it would be interrupting Gamzee's beat down on him. The news that Jade still liked him made him blink a little, before he shook his head with a small sigh. "We do things for you because that's what friends do. And I'll be honest, I've been looking for an excuse to punch Strider for a long time. Hell I punched myself after we fought." Well not really, he just went to his spot in the owlery and hit the wall until his fists bled.

Karkat stood from where he was squatting and looked away, shoving his hands into his pockets. "If you really think we shouldn't be doing this then...maybe we shouldn't be. I just thought maybe you could show me that my dad was wrong about me."

Tavros didn't know what to say to any of the first part. It didn't make him feel any better. He didn't like the fact that his friends felt like they had to do things for him. Even that was silly, because it's what he wanted to be able to do, it's what would make him feel like a good friend. But the fact that Karkat had punched himself... That made him feel worse, if at all possible.

But then Karkat spoke again, and he forgot all about everything but those words. His stomach twisted, because... No! That... wasn't what he was saying. Or was it? He didn't know. He just wanted to figure everything out, and he didn't have anyone else he could do that with but Karkat. He just... wasn't figuring things out like he wanted to. It was all just so much to take in and all so confusing, he just didn't know what he wanted, or what to do. The statement about his dad made Tavros feel icy, because... Tavros knew a bit about Karkat's dad, and he knew that... Karkat didn't really like him. But beyond that, he didn't know what Karkat meant.

"W-what?" he asked, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion, "I don't think I, understand what y-you mean. And, h-how could I do that?"

Karkat let his shoulders slump before he shook his head, running a hand through his hair. He shouldn't have brought it up. He wasn't ready to discuss his dad with anyone. He doubted he'd ever be ready. And this was about Tavros, not him. God, Vantas, you're such an attention seeking asshole. "Never mind."

He pursed his lips together and bit the bottom one before speaking again. "Maybe the reason we're having so much trouble figuring things out is because...we can be ourselves around each other. It doesn't matter what other people think when we're together, because we don't have to abide by society."

Tavros's eyebrows furrow even more, because... why was Karkat not going to tell him what he meant? He didn't want to push the issue, if Karkat really didn't want to talk about it. He knew how much of a sensitive topic it was. But... why had he brought it up in the first place? Tavros was so confused.

But once again, Karkat's next words made him forget the previous ones, and he was honestly surprised by them. Mainly, because... hearing them made him realize it was true. He hadn't realized until then that... He didn't feel scared around Karkat. He felt safe, and comfortable, and he hadn't realized that he was just letting himself go whenever he was with Karkat.

He didn't know how to feel about this realization. It was wrong, wasn't it? If he was allowing himself to do these things with Karkat, what did it mean? And... what about when they were with other people? How would he ever feel okay with it away from Karkat? He didn't want these things to be real, and yet Karkat had just pointed it all out. It made him feel like what they were doing was... bad. Maybe it was a mistake.

His stomach churned and he felt a little nauseous. The fact that he liked the things he did with Karkat made him feel so conflicted though. He didn't want them to end. He liked being himself around Karkat, even if he didn't like who he was apparently turning out to be. Even if people kept telling him it was okay. He just wanted to be normal.

"I-I..." But he didn't know what to even say, because he didn't know how to really and truly feel about any of it. "What do, w-we do, then?" Stop doing it? Try and figure it out some other way? He didn't know. He had no idea what to do, or how to do it, all he knew was that he was just. Scared.

Karkat didn't really know much about it himself. And when he thought about it...really, he'd felt the same with Jade and Feferi. That he could relax and be himself, that he didn't have to put up a wall of anger and hate between him and the world, that everything was okay. So what did that mean when he was with Tavros?

His dad had always made a point to forbid him from doing anything that might make him gay or was considered for girls. Romcoms? No, son, those movies are for girls. Can I get a cat, dad? No, son, you should get a dog instead, cats are for girls. Dad, listen to this! I can hit the high note! Son, that's just downright gay. Sing something more manly like Bruce Springsteen. Yes, dad.

But his dad was gone now. He had no control over his life or any influence on Karkat's choices. There was no reputation at stake, no upholding the clean cut American family image. For the first time in a long time, Karkat felt like he could be himself, be who he wanted to be.

He wanted to help Tavros feel the same way.

He turned his attention back to the Hufflepuff when he heard him stutter, biting his bottom lip before he spoke. "Do you...want this to continue?"

Edited 2012-05-18 23:29 (UTC)

When Karkat spoke, Tavros didn't know what to say. He looked away, down at his feet and tried to figure out what he wanted. Did he want it to continue? He... He was conflicted on that so much, now that he was really thinking about it. In hindsight, everything had happened so fast. But had it been bad? No. Being with Karkat was... honestly some of the happiest times he'd had.

He just didn't want to be gay.

He'd expected to figure out that he wasn't. And yet... Karkat had just pointed out that they'd been being themselves around each other the entire time. So did that mean he was gay? This was so frustrating. So completely and totally frustrating. And scary.

Karkat's words repeated in his mind and he clenched his fists. "I..." he whispered. Did he want it to continue? He asked himself this again, and somewhere in the back of his mind, a little voice answered yes. He did want it to. "Yes," he said, and his voice was barely above a whisper. "But... m-maybe slower," he finally looked at Karkat again and his eyes were a little wide with fright. "I... everything is happening s-so fast, I think..." He let out a frustrated little sigh, "If that's okay. I mean, I just... um, I... maybe we've gotten, a-a little carried away, because of the fact that w-we, um, feel... so much ourselves, with each other. M-maybe we should, uh, s-slow ourselves down... If that, uh, makes sense?"

He was trying to make sense. He was trying to make sense and he was fighting with himself, trying to reach some kind of middle ground. Because he did want to keep going. He just didn't want to be gay. It seemed like it was impossible to reach a middle ground, but he was trying.

Karkat lifted his hand and let it linger in the air before placing it on Tavros's shoulder, curling his fingers around it as comfortingly as he thought he was being. He'd honestly been thinking the same thing, that they'd gotten carried away. Maybe that had been why his relationships with Jade and Feferi hadn't lasted that long, because he'd rushed headlong into things like a fool.

Like he always was.

"Yeah, it makes sense. This...whole thing kind of happened a little fast, didn't it?" He pulled his hand away and used it to rub his own arm a little awkwardly. "Maybe before we start doing anything like making out or dates we should just take a step back. It's...I mean, nothing's going to change, just...being a little slower I guess."

Tavros felt a little relieved when Karkat agreed. How had things moved so fast, anyway? It just... seemed like such a blur. He felt better though, knowing that things could slow down. It was almost like a pressure had been lifted off of him, to be honest. A pressure he didn't even really realize had been there. But what did it mean, still? He... he'd still done those things with Karkat already. He'd felt good about them, until now. So what did it mean?

"I... yeah," he whispered, "Step back and just, uh... I don't know," he admitted, "I don't, kn-know what stepping back really means, in this context, but... I think it would be a good idea..." Maybe it meant... not acting on all of the things they'd been acting on. But if the urges were there... No, stop. He didn't want to think about it. He just wanted to focus on slowing down. He didn't want to think about anything else. Maybe it would be okay if they slowed down. Maybe eventually things would make sense.

"It... um, doesn't change anything, for me, though..." he admitted after a few seconds, "I... I mean, just because w-we're slowing down, doesn't... mean that I don't still feel, like myself...around you. I just, uh... It's scary, Karkat. I'm scared, of what it means."

Karkat didn't realize just how quickly they'd been going. He had to admit he had high expectations of relationships, but he also expected lower of his own. Probably because he'd never considered the possibility of landing in one, just always on the outside looking in. Like with everything. He didn't exactly know how they were going to take a step back either, but there wasn't much else he could suggest short of breaking up.

Karkat had already broken his own heart once.

He drew his hands up to place them on the edges of his pant pockets, looking down at the roof of the Astronomy tower as he pursed his lips together. "It's scary for me too, bro. I mean I never considered the fact that...this could happen. I was happy having a best friend crush on Gamzee and thought that was it. But...I...I like you. Maybe more than should be considered healthy."

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The Tallest Tower

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