Those words hit him, and they hit him really fucking hard. Despite how much they hurt though, he knows they're true. It is too late. but he'd stupidly hoped maybe it would be one of those better late than never things. It was stupid of him to have gotten his hopes up for that, though. For thinking this could be easy, when clearly it isn't something he can easily be forgiven for. And he doesn't blame Dirk for being angry at him over it. He doesn't blame him at all. It was a really big, stupid, shitty lie and one he never should've told.
But he'd had a reason. A reason that doesn't feel adequate enough anymore and one he knows couldn't ever justify lying to the two of them for all of their lives. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, though. He wasn't a good parent. He'd thought it would be better for them, if they knew him as a brother and not a father, because he'd never make a good father in his opinion. At least then he wouldn't let them down. At least then they wouldn't know the shame of having a shitty-ass dad who only made mistakes and didn't do a goddamn thing right. He'd always be a better brother and he knew that.
How was he supposed to explain this, though? With Dirk angry at him, the justification felt like an excuse. Or maybe it had been an excuse all along. That realization hits him pretty hard, too. He'd never thought of it as an excuse- it'd always seemed pretty fucking valid to him. But with all of his mistakes in the forefront of his brain lately, and this sudden realization... He's starting to see that yeah, it was an excuse. That if he were any kind of decent human being at all, then he would've lived with his mistakes and owned up to them instead of just covering them up with a lie and flimsy justifications. But that would imply that he's a decent human being.
The drinks and food come before he can say anything, and wordlessly he nudges one of the fire whiskey's towards Dirk. His fish and chips sit neglected, because he no longer has the stomach for them. He stares down at them, because now he's the one who can't look at Dirk. He doesn't know what to say, or do. Bro desperately wants nothing more than to be able to fix this, but nothing he can think to say feels like it would be enough. Dirk said it himself, it's too late for an apology and he doesn't know what else would ever come close to fixing it.
"It is too late," he finally manages to say. "I know that. I shouldn't expect you to forgive me." He lifts the fire whiskey up to his mouth and takes a small sip of it. He doesn't want to get tipsy off it, but the warmth it spreads throughout him is comforting and allows him to continue. "I... know how it's gotta make you feel. It makes you feel like you weren't good enough. Like you were only good enough to be a brother and not my son." He shakes his head at that, because it's so completely untrue that the thought physically hurts. "I never meant to make you feel that way. I swear on my fucking life that I didn't. It's the other way around, I... I didn't think I was good enough for you to love me like a dad."
As he readies himself to speak again, he finally looks up at Dirk. And then he does something that he doesn't do often. He reaches up and slides off his shades so that he can look at him without the filter. So that Dirk can see all of the sincerity and regret in his eyes. So that he can see him. "I've always loved you like a son, Dirk. Always. I just... I didn't wanna let you down. Either of you. But it turns out that I did and I'm really fucking sorry for that." He's trying to keep his voice steady, and for the most part he's succeeding, though there's a faint quiver to it. "I'm not gonna make you call me anything. And I don't know what to tell you to do, because I don't know. I screwed up. I screwed up really fucking bad and I don't know how to fix it. If anything, I just want you to know that I really am fucking sorry, even if it's too late for it to be of any good."
With that said, he looks away again. Having gotten all of that out, he just wants to shrink away and go die now. He doesn't put the shades back on for now, though, but they do stay clenched in his hand in case he needs them. He feels awkward and vulnerable without them, but if he can't allow himself to be vulnerable in front of his own kid, then what good is he? Dirk deserves to see him for what and who he is for once in his life.
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But he'd had a reason. A reason that doesn't feel adequate enough anymore and one he knows couldn't ever justify lying to the two of them for all of their lives. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, though. He wasn't a good parent. He'd thought it would be better for them, if they knew him as a brother and not a father, because he'd never make a good father in his opinion. At least then he wouldn't let them down. At least then they wouldn't know the shame of having a shitty-ass dad who only made mistakes and didn't do a goddamn thing right. He'd always be a better brother and he knew that.
How was he supposed to explain this, though? With Dirk angry at him, the justification felt like an excuse. Or maybe it had been an excuse all along. That realization hits him pretty hard, too. He'd never thought of it as an excuse- it'd always seemed pretty fucking valid to him. But with all of his mistakes in the forefront of his brain lately, and this sudden realization... He's starting to see that yeah, it was an excuse. That if he were any kind of decent human being at all, then he would've lived with his mistakes and owned up to them instead of just covering them up with a lie and flimsy justifications. But that would imply that he's a decent human being.
The drinks and food come before he can say anything, and wordlessly he nudges one of the fire whiskey's towards Dirk. His fish and chips sit neglected, because he no longer has the stomach for them. He stares down at them, because now he's the one who can't look at Dirk. He doesn't know what to say, or do. Bro desperately wants nothing more than to be able to fix this, but nothing he can think to say feels like it would be enough. Dirk said it himself, it's too late for an apology and he doesn't know what else would ever come close to fixing it.
"It is too late," he finally manages to say. "I know that. I shouldn't expect you to forgive me." He lifts the fire whiskey up to his mouth and takes a small sip of it. He doesn't want to get tipsy off it, but the warmth it spreads throughout him is comforting and allows him to continue. "I... know how it's gotta make you feel. It makes you feel like you weren't good enough. Like you were only good enough to be a brother and not my son." He shakes his head at that, because it's so completely untrue that the thought physically hurts. "I never meant to make you feel that way. I swear on my fucking life that I didn't. It's the other way around, I... I didn't think I was good enough for you to love me like a dad."
As he readies himself to speak again, he finally looks up at Dirk. And then he does something that he doesn't do often. He reaches up and slides off his shades so that he can look at him without the filter. So that Dirk can see all of the sincerity and regret in his eyes. So that he can see him. "I've always loved you like a son, Dirk. Always. I just... I didn't wanna let you down. Either of you. But it turns out that I did and I'm really fucking sorry for that." He's trying to keep his voice steady, and for the most part he's succeeding, though there's a faint quiver to it. "I'm not gonna make you call me anything. And I don't know what to tell you to do, because I don't know. I screwed up. I screwed up really fucking bad and I don't know how to fix it. If anything, I just want you to know that I really am fucking sorry, even if it's too late for it to be of any good."
With that said, he looks away again. Having gotten all of that out, he just wants to shrink away and go die now. He doesn't put the shades back on for now, though, but they do stay clenched in his hand in case he needs them. He feels awkward and vulnerable without them, but if he can't allow himself to be vulnerable in front of his own kid, then what good is he? Dirk deserves to see him for what and who he is for once in his life.