[closed] it's the quiet night that breaks me

[quasistellar]

WHO: Constance Peixes and Dolores Maryam
TONE: a bit sad, a bit stressed, a bit motherly
RATING: PG-ish
WHEN: 16 November
WHERE: the hospital wing, after fussing over Tweedledee and Tweedledum.
WHAT: the fact that Constance has been coming over a bit more often for stress remedies hasn't gone unnoticed. sometimes even teachers with kids need to get mothered a bit.
STATUS: [ONGOING]



[One more cup of tea, and this one would be going with her back to her office. Constance poured the last of the contents of a small vial into it, vanishing the vial a moment later. She wasn't intending to rely on so many Calming Draughts these days, but she needed to be able to think without the constant stress. Sleeping? She could handle a sleeping potion or two on her own. But she'd never been good at this particular potion.

Once that was done, she turned to leave, not expecting to be bothered on her way out...]

Comments

[wavesofjade]

[Did you think she hadn't noticed? As someone who deals with stressed students and teachers alike every day, Dolores is well versed in noticing the signs, despite how much the affected person may wish to hide them.

That's why Constance gets a light touch on her arm as she turns to leave, and why she'll find the nurse's calm and concerned dark eyes looking up at her.]

Those potions are not designed for such frequent use.

[Her tone is chiding, but gentle.]

Come through to the back office, Constance. I'd like a word.

[quasistellar]

Whatever do you mean? I'm merely doing what I need to do to take care of myself. If it means taking a potion now and then, I don't see the harm in it.

[She sighs.]

All right.

[She follows, pouting slightly.]

[wavesofjade]

You are certainly doing something.

[Pout all you like, dear, but this one is a medical professional and she knows a problem when she sees it. When Constance is through the door she closes it, and gestures to a chair.]

Please. Sit.

[quasistellar]

[Constance takes that seat, sighing a bit.]

I'm honestly fine, Dolores. You needn't worry about me.

[wavesofjade]

You know as well as I do that isn't true.

[She sits too, and leans forwards slightly.]

I'm concerned about you, and I think I have good reason to be.

[quasistellar]

...what's this 'good reason', then? I'm simply having a bit of stress. Everyone goes through it. If I were better at brewing this potion, I wouldn't be troubling you for it.

[wavesofjade]

Are you even aware of how much of it you have been using?

[quasistellar]

I can't afford to fall apart.

...how well insulated is your office? If I tell you something, will it get out?

[wavesofjade]

[A quick flick of her wand towards the door locks it, and another wave draws the blinds.]

Considering the delicate nature of most conversations held in here, I have taken all necessary precautions.

[quasistellar]

...all right.

Look, Dolores. Snow's out to have me sacked. I'm still in love with Murdoc Donoghue - who is the father of my children - but not only does he not have the time of day to give me, he's marrying Sybille Matteris and rogering Strider on the side.

A few extra Calming Draughts won't possibly do me any more harm than that situation is. Those are all that stands between me and throwing myself off the top of the Astronomy Tower. It's in my will that custody of my girls will go to their closest living maternal relative. I had that changed immediately after Donoghue got engaged.

[wavesofjade]

[If any of this is a surprise to her, she doesn't show it. Of course, she knew about Constance's feelings, and what was happening between Murdoc and Strider, but she hadn't realised things had been affecting the other woman so heavily. Constance has always seemed to be such a strong person, but perhaps Dolores hadn't noticed how heavily she was medicating herself.]

Constance..

[There's just a hint of chiding in her tone.]

I do not think that Calming Draughts are going to help you in the way that you need. All you are doing is running from your problems, dear. It isn't healthy.

[quasistellar]

I haven't been medicating myself all of this time, if you're asking. Only the last week or so.

[She pauses.]

But how would you handle this? I don't dare socialize, because that could be used against me, or to hurt the girls. I don't go out most Hogsmeade weekends unless I need something. I ordered Feferi's and my brooms via catalog, for Merlin's sake, because I didn't want Snow thinking I was leaving campus frivolously.

Between him being out for my job, everything I saw when the shades were about, and this goddamned wedding, there aren't exactly very many things I can do anything about. You say confront them, but what, exactly, is there to confront?

[wavesofjade]

How I would handle it.. well, I think that irrelevant at this point, since we do not handle these kinds of situations in the same way.

[Normally, she's not so blunt, but Constance doesn't need mothering, she needs a friend, Dolores thinks.]

You cannot change what is happening, you can only change how you approach it. Do you think that it does you, or your girls any good to see you like this? There are better ways, Constance, you know there are. I know that you love Murdoc, but it doesn't have to control your life as you are allowing it to.

[quasistellar]

Not socializing, constantly working, all of that? That was all to convince Snow I was working, and thus worth keeping on the job when he was trying to have me sacked for the slightest cause. It wouldn't do my girls any good to be here with that man having fired their mother.

[Constance looks away.]

I was well on my way to getting over the rest of it when all of the mess with the shades happened. I could deal with it if it were merely a matter of Murdoc marrying Sybille for immigration purposes, and had been, even if I was still largely locked in my office because of Snow.

What I couldn't and can't handle are the lies, the change from summer to now. The fact that he led me on and lied to me, the fact that rather than try to do right by his daughters, to try and have the family he swore he wanted, that he's - Did you know Eridan wants to call me 'mum'? That I had to explain to that child why it wasn't the same as calling Feferi and Meenah his sisters?

How the hell am I supposed to deal with that?

[wavesofjade]

Do you think that he would have gone to so much trouble to have to fired when there are people here that he would view as far more dangerous? You were not the only one trying desperately to protect their job.

[She sounds a little terse. Irritated, even. It's an unusual tone for her.]

How to deal with it is a question that you should be asking of yourself, not of me, and I do not believe for a moment that it is something you have properly addressed. If it makes you angry, Constance, then be angry, but in asking me how you might deal with these problems you make it clear that you have not even begun to address them properly.

[Dolores sighs, then gently takes the other woman's hands in her own cool fingers, giving a small squeeze.]

If you need to talk, dear, you know I'll listen.. but there's only so much help that I can give.

[quasistellar]

...fine.

[She starts to shake, after a moment.]

I know how to find the answer to an equation that's a bit off. I know how to find due north from anywhere, given a clear sky. I can chart the course of any star in this galaxy and, with the right equipment, a few more. I was supposed to be the first witch in space, for Merlin's sake!

[And her voice cracks.]

But I can't chart people. I don't know how to calculate them, I can't tell you what their course will be given a few data points. The data points I had a few months ago all suggested one particular set of movements. Stars don't suddenly shake off all gravity and become comets.

Yes. I'm angry. I'm hurt. And I don't know how to deal with it because I've always run away from it. For once in my life I'm trying not to and it's more painful than anything I've ever felt. Every instinct I have is telling me to consider this a failed experiment and go back to the laboratory, save one.

And that's the maternal one, and the knowledge of how much I've already failed them by running away. I wanted the girls to know their father. He's making it clear to me, at least, that he could care less about knowing them. Their brother - the younger one - wants me to adopt him, I think. And I had to tell him, as much as it hurt and as much as I wanted to tell him yes, that I couldn't do that.

I haven't dealt with it because I simply don't know how.

[wavesofjade]

You know that people will never be as predictable as the stars, my dear, you can't expect to be able to chart them in the same way.

[Ah, Constance, you do seem to be so keen on making things difficult for yourself. Dolores is sure she has never met someone quite so set upon believing that things have to be this hard.]

If you want the girls to know their father, then you need to have a firm talk with Murdoc to discover his stance on it. Facts, discussion, do not bring your own emotions into it no matter how you might want to. If you can do that, and he still shows no interest, then I am afraid I do not see what else you might do in that regard.

[A quiet sigh leaves her at the mention of Eridan.]

You must learn how to deal with these things, Constance. For your own sake, as well as your girls. I do so hate to see you like this.

[quasistellar]

I would think there would at least be some consistency among people. Not this wild tendency for everyone to completely switch loyalties every few months. I'm not expecting everyone to get along with everyone else all of the time, because that's unrealistic. But I'd at least like to think that some things stay the same about people, no matter what else changes.

It's those sudden shifts in people that I don't know how to deal with.

As for Murdoc, I can't have a repeat conversation with someone who doesn't know what he wants from one minute to the next. One minute, it's all 'yes, of course, I want the kids to be a family', the next, it's 'no, forget that, I'm marrying Sybille and rogering Strider and there is absolutely no place for you or for my daughters in my life whatsoever'.

Perhaps I'm better off not letting very many people into my life at all, Dolores. The fewer people there are, the fewer there are who can hurt me.