Graham Specter (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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sortinghat_logs2012-10-22 03:32 pm
heartwrenching) wrote in sortinghat_logs2012-10-22 03:32 pm
Entry tags:
Match 1 - Gryffindor vs. Slytherin! (backdated)
WHO: Gryffindor and Slytherin Quidditch Teams with Graham Specter screaming commentary
TONE: Athletic, competitive
RATING: PG-13 for rude students and Graham being Graham
WHEN: Sunday, October 21st
WHERE: Quidditch pitch
WHAT: The first match of the season - and it's the big rivalry match-up!
STATUS: Completed
Hogwarts! Let me tell you an exciting, happy story that is tinged with tragedy and despair! Normally, those are my FAVORITE kinds of stories! The ones where one side is gleeful, laughing and clapping and feeling the endless twirling giddiness bubbling through their heads like a particularly potent potion while the other side is lost in misery and despair, lamenting the cruel hand of Fate that claws at them relentlessly like the gnarled, grasping hands of a thousand Inferi!
HOWEVER!
Today, I am the one feeling the scratching nail of Fate instead of her tender caress! How can this be?! Well, that’s what happens when I’m here commenting instead of actually PLAYING this game! And what game is that, you may ask? Well, first of all: how are you even alive right now because that is the kind of dumb question that tumbles outta the mouth of someone SO INTENSELY STUPID that they mistake their own tongues for toffee and choke to death in the most idiotic way imaginable! Nobody gets any enjoyment from that! What a selfish way to die. Completely disgraceful. But since you’re all here and alive – for varying degrees of ‘alive’ since there seem to be a whole lotta touchy ghosts and rumors of vampires and werewolves poking around lately – let me answer you honestly.
WELCOME TO THE FIRST OFFICIAL QUIDDITCH MATCH OF THE SEASON – GRYFFINDOR VS. SLYTHERIN!
Yes, Hogwarts, you’ve finally woken up from the long, screaming nightmare that was the teachers’ Quidditch match and subsequent fallout. We’re finally back in the real world – albeit one where I’m so very sadly, sadly, SADLY not out on the pitch myself, giving proper Beatings to everyone who’s got it coming to them. And furthermore, looks like we’re getting THE match of the season out of the way early! Yes, yes, yes – the rivalry between my wonderful Gryffindor House and those snaky bastards is a long and storied one, and I admit that my heart lurches in surprise at the notion that it’s the first match of the season! Is it all downhill from here?! Can the other matches offer up nearly as much heart-pounding excitement as this match-up always promises?! Do Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws have anything resembling the rivalry we Gryffindors have with Slytherins and – if not – how can we go about MAKING one?!? Only the rest of the year can answer these and other vitally important questions.
Here come the teams! Oh my my look at all the eager gleams in their eyes! Let’s get this show on the road!
Up goes the Quaffle, right into the hands of Gryffindor Captain Merida Dunbroch! She’s off in Slytherin’s direction immediately, all that red hair following her like the tail of a flaming comet! What’s this?! Axel from Slytherin is after her personally! We’ve got ourselves a no-holds-barred ginger battle royale! Looks like he’s signaling Vriska to send a Bludger his way – looks like she wasn’t expecting him to use a Bludger Backbeat! It narrowly avoids shattering Merida’s nose, and Arthur Kirkland intercepts the Quaffle as she flinches!
Georgia nods and makes a few gestures, and she, Arthur, and Marceline form a Hawkshead Attacking Formation in their push toward Gryffindor’s goals! Arthur surges forward while Georgia and Marceline hang back – clearly going as close as they can to the scoring area without getting called out for Stooging! The refs might not see what you’re up to, but I DO! Dave Strider looks ready to take all three of ‘em on! Alfred Jones sends a Bludger at Marceline and Georgia, clearly looking to break up their plot, but the ball strays and knocks Arthur’s broom! Look at those eyebrows raise in surprise! The hit jolts Arthur’s throw, giving it a curve that Dave can’t quite block! 10-0 Slytherin!
Dave hurls the Quaffle to Tavros, who – FUMBLES AND MISSES! Georgia nabs the free Quaffle and dives to the goal just as Arthur gets out of the scoring area! Tavros is trying to apologize to Dave, but it’s only a distraction! Georgia scores, Slytherin 20-0! AND THIS IS WHAT APOLOGIZING GETS YOU!
Misery misery misery PURE MISERY as Slytherin’s Chasers continue to evade Gryffindor’s most valiant efforts. My eyes can’t take looking at their sneaky ways! Eyes, find something else to look at! If I can even look away at all! What’re the Seekers doing?! Gryffindor’s own Clint Barton is keeping high, searching the field for the Snitch. He’s keeping a high speed as he loops around so far above the pitch that he may as well be in a different game altogether. And as for Slytherin’s Katniss Everdeen… HAS SHE SPOTTED THE SNITCH?! She’s diving for Gryffindor’s goals! Does she see the Snitch there?! NO! It was all a horrible ruse to cause the wind to unbalance Dave’s excellently done Starfish-and-Stick strategy! He slips and SAVES THE GOAL ANYWAY! Take that, sneaks! What? The pseudo-Stooging strategy has resulted in three more goals while I was watching Clint and Katniss?! EYES, I TOLD YOU I DIDN’T WANT TO SEE THIS STUFF! YOU OPTICAL TRAITORS! 50-0 SLYTHERIN, IF YOU INSIST.
Dave tosses the Quaffle to John, who then makes his way for Slytherin’s side of the pitch with feverish intent! Unfortunately, Marceline is on the scene! She hangs upside down from her broom, and her long hair flutters dangerously in John's peripheral vision! As he looks in that direction, she snatches the Quaffle! I CAN’T LOOK!
Judging by a particularly hissing sort of cheers my poor, poor ears are being inflicted with, I’m taking that to mean Slytherin’s done it again. Do I have to check? I’ve gotta, don’t I? Otherwise I’m stuck in a state of knowing but NOT knowing – it’s Schrodinger’s Goal! Fine, fine, finefinefine, I’ll make sure.
Oh.
There were four goals. Judging by the look on Tavros’ face, he probably fumbled some more.
Slytherin 90-0. Graham Specter’s Feelings of Happiness and Joy: -1000.
These underhanded Slytherin Chasers are gonna be the death of me. The potency of their sneakiness is gonna build up in my bloodstream until I fall over STONE DEAD. If they get any more goals, I’ll announce it – if ONLY for the sake of accuracy in reporting – but I can’t bear to look at them anymore. They burn. They wrack my heart across the coals!! I’ve got my hand on my chest now, I can feel the flames! Murderers! Destroyers of everything that is good and true and RIGHT in li-iiiii-iife.
I need happiness. I need something – ANY measure of pleasure I can get out of this tragedy of a match! Beaters! Deliver me from this existence so I don’t drown in my own tears! Thor rears back and sends a Bludger nearly across the whole field! It smacks Vriska’s broom on the left side, and she struggles to keep from falling off and plunging down to hard earth below! Axel helps her get her balance, and ooooh he looks mad. He SLAMS everything he’s got into hitting that Bludger, and… it collides with Thor’s chest as he’s waving to the crowd near Gryffindor’s goals! It knocks the wind out of Thor, who loses his grip a bit and knocks his broom into Dave’s hand as he’s about to catch the Quaffle! It soars through the goal! SLYTHERIN 100-0.
Merida and John nod to each other, and it looks like they’ve got a plan of their own! Merida nabs the Quaffle and the two head down the field, passing the weaving around each other as they continually pass the ball! Georgia’s trifecta of Chaser sneaks can’t stop them! Merida goes in for the goal, but Marina kicks her broom!
FINALLY the refs call a pentalty shot! Merida takes the shot but… NO! Marina catches it! Now, what is Slytherin’s foul-mouthed Keeper doing with her two fingers? Now she’s sticking her tongue out and her - oh. If rudeness scored points in this game, that would’ve ended the game right here!
Georgia’s Chasers have gone on the attack again, with Marceline getting another goal! And NO, Arthur soon follows suit! That’s Slytherin 120-0. John’s looking more desperate and angry now, and he and Merida go on the attack. They go in for a pincer attack, looking to get the Quaffle and maybe turn this game around! But they get a little too close and… THE REF CALLS BOTH OF THEM ON BLATCHING! Slytherin gets TWO pentalty shots!
Do you hear that, Hogwarts? Of course you do! It’s the jeers from Gryffindor as we lament this horrible turn of events! Listen to the sound of PURE TORMENT as - AS THE SOUNDS ESCALATE LOUDER! Georgia’s curved penalty shot makes it into the goal! Arthur’s shot does the same! Slytherin 140-0!
They’re not done yet! Marceline goes for another shot, but Dave blocks it and practically sends that Quaffle into ANOTHER TIME ZONE with that throw! Tavros catches it and dodges a Bludger from Vriska. Is this lump of coal transforming into diamond under the pressure of this match?! He passes the Quaffle in a nice arc, and Merida gears up to catch it, but – MARCELINE INTERCEPTS! She’s heading back for the goal! She’s coming in strong at one angle, but zig-zags at the last possible second! Dave’s fingertips just barely miss the Quaffle as he reacts to her sudden movement! SLYTHERIN 150-0
Gryffindor NEEDS to catch the Snitch at this point if they want to still be in this game! The Seekers seem aware of this and are playing head games with each other while keeping their eyes out for that tell-tale tiny flash of golden redemption! Katniss and Clint are swerving and diving all over the place, hoping to trick the other into following false leads and…
CLINT’S THROWN HIMSELF INTO A FULL-DIVE! Has he seen the Snitch?! He’s going faster and faster – he shoves past Georgia as he dives and – CATCHES THE SNITCH!
Dear, dear, DEAR viewers! Normally the game is over when the Snitch is caught, but we’re looking at a TIED GAME! 150-150! What shall we do?! Are we caught forever, lost in some nightmarish purgatory from which we cannot escape?! Do we have to have classes in said horrible nightmarish purgatory?! My concept of reality is thrown on its head! We’re lost, yet irrevocably, undeniably--!!
Huh?
Oh, the plot thickens! Thicker than the last serving of stew at the end of the night! Thicker than the sheet of ice that coats the hearts of Slytherin’s ruthless team! The referee has determined that Clint pushing aside Georgia was a foul! The capture of the Snitch counts, but Slytherin’s captain gets a penalty shot!
If she makes it, Slytherin wins! If she doesn’t, WHO KNOWS?! Will this already incredibly long match go into overtime?! Will there be a discussion between Georgia and Merida to settle the matter?! Will chaos reign in the street and madness overtake us all?!?
It’s the moment of truth. Georgia lines up for shot. She’s holding the Quaffle tight to her chest, looking at it intently. What’s she up to? She steadies herself… and…
THE BALL ZIG-ZAGS WILDLY! I AM NOTHING IF NOT A FAIR AND IMPARTIAL JUDGE AND HAVE BEEN THIS ENTIRE MATCH, BUT THAT IS SUCH A COMMON SYMPTOM OF QUAFFLE-POCKING! But... THE REFS ARE CALLING IT CLEAN! THE PENALTY SHOT COUNTS!!
Slytherin wins 160-150 despite the fact that Gryffindor caught the Snitch!
This is a match for the ages! This is the kind of stuff you only hear TALKED about in Quidditch! This is – I can’t – I just I – I- I-
I, GRAHAM SPECTER OF ALL PEOPLE, AM SPEECHLESS!
TONE: Athletic, competitive
RATING: PG-13 for rude students and Graham being Graham
WHEN: Sunday, October 21st
WHERE: Quidditch pitch
WHAT: The first match of the season - and it's the big rivalry match-up!
STATUS: Completed
Hogwarts! Let me tell you an exciting, happy story that is tinged with tragedy and despair! Normally, those are my FAVORITE kinds of stories! The ones where one side is gleeful, laughing and clapping and feeling the endless twirling giddiness bubbling through their heads like a particularly potent potion while the other side is lost in misery and despair, lamenting the cruel hand of Fate that claws at them relentlessly like the gnarled, grasping hands of a thousand Inferi!
HOWEVER!
Today, I am the one feeling the scratching nail of Fate instead of her tender caress! How can this be?! Well, that’s what happens when I’m here commenting instead of actually PLAYING this game! And what game is that, you may ask? Well, first of all: how are you even alive right now because that is the kind of dumb question that tumbles outta the mouth of someone SO INTENSELY STUPID that they mistake their own tongues for toffee and choke to death in the most idiotic way imaginable! Nobody gets any enjoyment from that! What a selfish way to die. Completely disgraceful. But since you’re all here and alive – for varying degrees of ‘alive’ since there seem to be a whole lotta touchy ghosts and rumors of vampires and werewolves poking around lately – let me answer you honestly.
WELCOME TO THE FIRST OFFICIAL QUIDDITCH MATCH OF THE SEASON – GRYFFINDOR VS. SLYTHERIN!
Yes, Hogwarts, you’ve finally woken up from the long, screaming nightmare that was the teachers’ Quidditch match and subsequent fallout. We’re finally back in the real world – albeit one where I’m so very sadly, sadly, SADLY not out on the pitch myself, giving proper Beatings to everyone who’s got it coming to them. And furthermore, looks like we’re getting THE match of the season out of the way early! Yes, yes, yes – the rivalry between my wonderful Gryffindor House and those snaky bastards is a long and storied one, and I admit that my heart lurches in surprise at the notion that it’s the first match of the season! Is it all downhill from here?! Can the other matches offer up nearly as much heart-pounding excitement as this match-up always promises?! Do Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws have anything resembling the rivalry we Gryffindors have with Slytherins and – if not – how can we go about MAKING one?!? Only the rest of the year can answer these and other vitally important questions.
Here come the teams! Oh my my look at all the eager gleams in their eyes! Let’s get this show on the road!
Up goes the Quaffle, right into the hands of Gryffindor Captain Merida Dunbroch! She’s off in Slytherin’s direction immediately, all that red hair following her like the tail of a flaming comet! What’s this?! Axel from Slytherin is after her personally! We’ve got ourselves a no-holds-barred ginger battle royale! Looks like he’s signaling Vriska to send a Bludger his way – looks like she wasn’t expecting him to use a Bludger Backbeat! It narrowly avoids shattering Merida’s nose, and Arthur Kirkland intercepts the Quaffle as she flinches!
Georgia nods and makes a few gestures, and she, Arthur, and Marceline form a Hawkshead Attacking Formation in their push toward Gryffindor’s goals! Arthur surges forward while Georgia and Marceline hang back – clearly going as close as they can to the scoring area without getting called out for Stooging! The refs might not see what you’re up to, but I DO! Dave Strider looks ready to take all three of ‘em on! Alfred Jones sends a Bludger at Marceline and Georgia, clearly looking to break up their plot, but the ball strays and knocks Arthur’s broom! Look at those eyebrows raise in surprise! The hit jolts Arthur’s throw, giving it a curve that Dave can’t quite block! 10-0 Slytherin!
Dave hurls the Quaffle to Tavros, who – FUMBLES AND MISSES! Georgia nabs the free Quaffle and dives to the goal just as Arthur gets out of the scoring area! Tavros is trying to apologize to Dave, but it’s only a distraction! Georgia scores, Slytherin 20-0! AND THIS IS WHAT APOLOGIZING GETS YOU!
Misery misery misery PURE MISERY as Slytherin’s Chasers continue to evade Gryffindor’s most valiant efforts. My eyes can’t take looking at their sneaky ways! Eyes, find something else to look at! If I can even look away at all! What’re the Seekers doing?! Gryffindor’s own Clint Barton is keeping high, searching the field for the Snitch. He’s keeping a high speed as he loops around so far above the pitch that he may as well be in a different game altogether. And as for Slytherin’s Katniss Everdeen… HAS SHE SPOTTED THE SNITCH?! She’s diving for Gryffindor’s goals! Does she see the Snitch there?! NO! It was all a horrible ruse to cause the wind to unbalance Dave’s excellently done Starfish-and-Stick strategy! He slips and SAVES THE GOAL ANYWAY! Take that, sneaks! What? The pseudo-Stooging strategy has resulted in three more goals while I was watching Clint and Katniss?! EYES, I TOLD YOU I DIDN’T WANT TO SEE THIS STUFF! YOU OPTICAL TRAITORS! 50-0 SLYTHERIN, IF YOU INSIST.
Dave tosses the Quaffle to John, who then makes his way for Slytherin’s side of the pitch with feverish intent! Unfortunately, Marceline is on the scene! She hangs upside down from her broom, and her long hair flutters dangerously in John's peripheral vision! As he looks in that direction, she snatches the Quaffle! I CAN’T LOOK!
Judging by a particularly hissing sort of cheers my poor, poor ears are being inflicted with, I’m taking that to mean Slytherin’s done it again. Do I have to check? I’ve gotta, don’t I? Otherwise I’m stuck in a state of knowing but NOT knowing – it’s Schrodinger’s Goal! Fine, fine, finefinefine, I’ll make sure.
Oh.
There were four goals. Judging by the look on Tavros’ face, he probably fumbled some more.
Slytherin 90-0. Graham Specter’s Feelings of Happiness and Joy: -1000.
These underhanded Slytherin Chasers are gonna be the death of me. The potency of their sneakiness is gonna build up in my bloodstream until I fall over STONE DEAD. If they get any more goals, I’ll announce it – if ONLY for the sake of accuracy in reporting – but I can’t bear to look at them anymore. They burn. They wrack my heart across the coals!! I’ve got my hand on my chest now, I can feel the flames! Murderers! Destroyers of everything that is good and true and RIGHT in li-iiiii-iife.
I need happiness. I need something – ANY measure of pleasure I can get out of this tragedy of a match! Beaters! Deliver me from this existence so I don’t drown in my own tears! Thor rears back and sends a Bludger nearly across the whole field! It smacks Vriska’s broom on the left side, and she struggles to keep from falling off and plunging down to hard earth below! Axel helps her get her balance, and ooooh he looks mad. He SLAMS everything he’s got into hitting that Bludger, and… it collides with Thor’s chest as he’s waving to the crowd near Gryffindor’s goals! It knocks the wind out of Thor, who loses his grip a bit and knocks his broom into Dave’s hand as he’s about to catch the Quaffle! It soars through the goal! SLYTHERIN 100-0.
Merida and John nod to each other, and it looks like they’ve got a plan of their own! Merida nabs the Quaffle and the two head down the field, passing the weaving around each other as they continually pass the ball! Georgia’s trifecta of Chaser sneaks can’t stop them! Merida goes in for the goal, but Marina kicks her broom!
FINALLY the refs call a pentalty shot! Merida takes the shot but… NO! Marina catches it! Now, what is Slytherin’s foul-mouthed Keeper doing with her two fingers? Now she’s sticking her tongue out and her - oh. If rudeness scored points in this game, that would’ve ended the game right here!
Georgia’s Chasers have gone on the attack again, with Marceline getting another goal! And NO, Arthur soon follows suit! That’s Slytherin 120-0. John’s looking more desperate and angry now, and he and Merida go on the attack. They go in for a pincer attack, looking to get the Quaffle and maybe turn this game around! But they get a little too close and… THE REF CALLS BOTH OF THEM ON BLATCHING! Slytherin gets TWO pentalty shots!
Do you hear that, Hogwarts? Of course you do! It’s the jeers from Gryffindor as we lament this horrible turn of events! Listen to the sound of PURE TORMENT as - AS THE SOUNDS ESCALATE LOUDER! Georgia’s curved penalty shot makes it into the goal! Arthur’s shot does the same! Slytherin 140-0!
They’re not done yet! Marceline goes for another shot, but Dave blocks it and practically sends that Quaffle into ANOTHER TIME ZONE with that throw! Tavros catches it and dodges a Bludger from Vriska. Is this lump of coal transforming into diamond under the pressure of this match?! He passes the Quaffle in a nice arc, and Merida gears up to catch it, but – MARCELINE INTERCEPTS! She’s heading back for the goal! She’s coming in strong at one angle, but zig-zags at the last possible second! Dave’s fingertips just barely miss the Quaffle as he reacts to her sudden movement! SLYTHERIN 150-0
Gryffindor NEEDS to catch the Snitch at this point if they want to still be in this game! The Seekers seem aware of this and are playing head games with each other while keeping their eyes out for that tell-tale tiny flash of golden redemption! Katniss and Clint are swerving and diving all over the place, hoping to trick the other into following false leads and…
CLINT’S THROWN HIMSELF INTO A FULL-DIVE! Has he seen the Snitch?! He’s going faster and faster – he shoves past Georgia as he dives and – CATCHES THE SNITCH!
Dear, dear, DEAR viewers! Normally the game is over when the Snitch is caught, but we’re looking at a TIED GAME! 150-150! What shall we do?! Are we caught forever, lost in some nightmarish purgatory from which we cannot escape?! Do we have to have classes in said horrible nightmarish purgatory?! My concept of reality is thrown on its head! We’re lost, yet irrevocably, undeniably--!!
Huh?
Oh, the plot thickens! Thicker than the last serving of stew at the end of the night! Thicker than the sheet of ice that coats the hearts of Slytherin’s ruthless team! The referee has determined that Clint pushing aside Georgia was a foul! The capture of the Snitch counts, but Slytherin’s captain gets a penalty shot!
If she makes it, Slytherin wins! If she doesn’t, WHO KNOWS?! Will this already incredibly long match go into overtime?! Will there be a discussion between Georgia and Merida to settle the matter?! Will chaos reign in the street and madness overtake us all?!?
It’s the moment of truth. Georgia lines up for shot. She’s holding the Quaffle tight to her chest, looking at it intently. What’s she up to? She steadies herself… and…
THE BALL ZIG-ZAGS WILDLY! I AM NOTHING IF NOT A FAIR AND IMPARTIAL JUDGE AND HAVE BEEN THIS ENTIRE MATCH, BUT THAT IS SUCH A COMMON SYMPTOM OF QUAFFLE-POCKING! But... THE REFS ARE CALLING IT CLEAN! THE PENALTY SHOT COUNTS!!
Slytherin wins 160-150 despite the fact that Gryffindor caught the Snitch!
This is a match for the ages! This is the kind of stuff you only hear TALKED about in Quidditch! This is – I can’t – I just I – I- I-
I, GRAHAM SPECTER OF ALL PEOPLE, AM SPEECHLESS!