If I could take it all back I wouldn't.

[wavesofjade]

WHO: Dolores Maryam - Open
TONE: Nostalgic/melancholic
RATING: PG
WHEN: Early evening, October 5th
WHERE: The bridge
WHAT: Dolores still hasn't worked through her feelings over what happened when her son suddenly appeared.
STATUS: Ongoing

---

She knew she should be feeling something. Maybe she should have been screaming or crying, expressing her grief and frustration in the same way that Kankri and so many others already had. There had been brief outbursts but they had all been quickly brought under control and it was likely clear to those who had witnessed them just how much she was bottling up for the sake of those around her. Dolores had a job to do, after all, and that was forefront in her mind. Her own tangled emotions were always put to one side.

It seemed that it was going to rain, though the sunlight still prickled at her skin from behind the thick clouds as she leaned on the railing, unblinking, unmoving, not even breath stirring her. There was so much going through her mind but it all came down to the same question, always the same one.

Why?

Why her, why him? And it wasn't just that. Why Kankri, why Sal, why sweet little Karkat, and why Marceline and Marshall and that poor boy who had woken screaming. She couldn't fathom a reason for it and she wanted so badly to be angry with someone, to have somewhere to direct all the hurt she felt but there was no one to blame. That was why she hadn't truly cried yet - why the only tears she'd shed had been ones of resentment and exhaustion rather than mourning.

That was why she had excused herself from the hospital wing to spend some time alone and why she now stood on the bridge, silent and still, with only her racing thoughts to keep her company.

Comments

[thegluethatbinds]

The bridge isn't exactly the most ideal of meeting places, but fate somehow had Coulson spy the familiar silhouette as he took an evening stroll. Even from afar he could see that she wasn't entirely herself; there was an air of despondency around her, matching the grey clouds that obscured the evening sky and painted the world in dark colours.

For a brief moment he merely watched, pondering whether he should approach in the first place. They seemed to be meeting so often that he had to half wonder whether she was sick of him. But the events of the past week had ripped open a lot of old scars and wounds, proving that some things don't fade away with time.

Scars. Again, his hand crept up to his collerbone, where that tell-tell itch started to prick him again. He had been one of the fortunate ones in the castle, having missed out on seeing any dead relatives or friends, but if the wailing in the Divination Tower had been any indication then there was still a lot of hurt and grief floating around Hogwarts. Dolores had offered to help others deal with their own pain, but it looked like she needed some help herself this time.

Which is why he's walking up to her again. He cleared his throat in an attempt to let her know he was there, but she could probably hear his heart-beat as he neared her.

"Dolores."

[wavesofjade]

Of all people, Coulson was one whose company she would mind the least. She had come to think very highly of him in the short span of their acquaintance and despite their differences she had found something of a kindred spirit in him - someone who could understand the difficulties that people like them could face but who took it head on rather than hiding or feeling bitter about that which could not be changed. It was a refreshing outlook, and one she could certainly appreciate.. it made talking to him easy, even if she hadn't taken up his offer of speaking to him should she need to.

Helping others had buoyed her so far, helping her keep herself above her own emotional state, but things were settling down now and it wasn't as easy for her to find things to constantly occupy her time between waking and sleeping. It had led her to a place which was uncomfortable for her, one where she wasn't sure what to do with herself, where she was afraid of making mistakes and as dear to her as Gkika was, she couldn't bring herself to trouble the woman with it.

He was right, she had heard him approaching long before he cleared his throat to announce his presence, but she appreciated the gesture nonetheless and seemed to come to life in that moment, a quick breath drawn in as she looked over at him and summoned a smile in an effort to cover the melancholy in her expression.

"Philip. What brings you out here?"

[thegluethatbinds]

He returned her smile with one of his own, though his formed easier and was meant to comfort, not cover.

"Taking a walk around. Mind if I join you?"

There wasn't a reason for him to ask why she was here; the answer was probably clear to them both. What he wasn't sure off was whether she wanted to be alone at this point.

[wavesofjade]

It hit harder than she thought it would, that comforting smile, and she had to look away from it. She leaned her weight against the railing and, after a moment of thought, gave a small shake of her head.

"Of course I don't mind."

She had come out here to be alone, that much was true, but.. she'd prefer the company, knowing it was someone that she could trust.

"How are you?"

[thegluethatbinds]

He joined her at the railing, looking out at the valley before them. Even in the gloomy atmosphere, there was a kind off dark beauty in the scenery.

"I've been well, thank you. A lot better since the start of the week actually. I really have to thank you for your prescriptions, they've been very effective."

[wavesofjade]

It was something she'd always loved - the scenery. It made the various difficulties she occasionally encountered in her job worth it to be able to come out here and see this. Then, of course, there were the people she'd met, and those she considered her family.. it did make everything worth it, in the end.

She smiled, a little more genuinely this time, and let out a soft hum.

"I'm glad to hear that. I just wish I could do something for the pain at the time."

[thegluethatbinds]

"Pain is something that can't be avoided but I am getting used to dealing with it."

He paused to watch a bird take off from a tree nearby, soaring across the valley on its wings. It's cry echoed throughout the area, lonely and haunting.

"I'm just fortunate enough that I have people like you who are willing to help me manage it. It makes it slightly easier, knowing that people care."

[wavesofjade]

Just for a moment, she laid a hand on his arm, but it was removed just as quickly and she clasped her hands together again, leaning on the railing and looking down over the side.

"I spent such a long time hiding my condition," she said quietly. It had been difficult, and perhaps impossible had she not met Salvador, but in the end everything had worked out well.

"I know that we have rights, but that doesn't keep us from being seen as dangerous." There was a sigh, then. "... Seeing him again, like that.. I try not to think of what happened before."

[thegluethatbinds]

"...what happened the other day wasn't something you could've prepared yourself for, Dolores."

He follows her motion, leaning on the railing but keeping his eyes on her instead.

"The past is important, only so much that we learn from it. We can't change it, but we can make sure we, and others, don't have to go through what we have."

His tone is gentle, lacking his usual stoicism. Even when he's being comforting to others, he carries an air of formality that sometimes detracts some of the kindness that he's trying to show. But at this point, he's completely dropping all of that now as he speaks to her.

If anything, it's his hand that's laid on her arm now, to comfort and to remind her that he's here and that he's not going anywhere.

[arrogantalloy]

With everything that had happened over the last few days Tony had felt like the tower was too much to deal with, so many bodies and various noises that he realised that he was in no mood for.

So he had left, walking as far away from it all as he could, losing himself to his thoughts by the time he reached the bridge. While he was used to just wandering off both in Stark Hall, and in New York he always found the relative silence of the grounds as unnerving as they were peaceful.

Halfway along the bridge he saw the woman standing there. So Tony wasn't the only one letting himself get lost.
He knew she was one of the nurses, but as he actively avoided the hospital wing, he had no hope of remembering her name.
Quietly he approached her, leaning his back against the railing half a metre away, he held out one of his ever present pouches of fruit.

"Blueberry?"

[wavesofjade]

She could certainly sympathise with that kind of sentiment. The school could be overwhelming at times, even for those who were accustomed to it, and she wasn't entirely surprised to find herself with company in such an isolated spot.

The student wasn't one she recognised, but as soon as he was close enough that it was no longer polite to avoid acknowledging him, she straightened up and glanced over just in time for him to offer her fruit. That alone was enough to draw a small smile - he wasn't the first student to do that, and it was more for the sake of being polite that she took it with a quiet 'thank you'.

It was a few moments of silence and remembering that she really ought to breathe when a student was present before she looked across to him again with a warmer, more genuine smile.

"I don't see many students out here at this time," she said. "Are you alright?"

[arrogantalloy]

Tony made no show really paying her his full attention, though he had be curious as to why she had been holding her breath. He quietly wondered if she had been worried about his presence, understandable, when someone you've never met approaches you in an isolated area it makes sense to be nervous.

He shrugged his eyebrows as he popped a few blueberries into his mouth and chewed them with great contemplation.

"Well really, I'm barely ever out of the tower when not in classes." He paused for a moment. "Sometimes, I just feel like a change of scenery. Books, scrolls and and basic non-electrical engineering is all well and good, but sometimes you just have to stretch your legs. Get some new inspiration, I guess."

He took out a blueberry and contemplated it before eating it.

[wavesofjade]

She took her time with the blueberry she'd accepted from him as she mentally weighed up the pros and cons of actually eating it. It would have said a lot to those who knew her that she eventually decided to do so, despite the likely discomfort it would cause her later, and she quietly savoured the taste of it on her tongue while Tony spoke.

There was a small nod of her head, then, and a tiny smile.

"I often feel the same about my own work," she admitted. "Medical treatment can't rely on magic alone.. there will always be a situation where it will fail to work." That was something she'd seen so many times.

"Was there something in particular that you were searching for inspiration for?"

[arrogantalloy]

"There's a lot that magic can do, that Muggle technology can't though. I mean not even Stark Industries has figured out anything that comes even a little close to skele-grow."

He looks up and down the length of the bridge before turning around and leans his arms on the railing.

"It's not so much inspiration as it is trying to understand the last few days. And some of the things I did in it."

[wavesofjade]

Dolores made a soft sound of thought. She'd been trying to avoid thinking about the events of the past few days but even hearing of what had happened to someone else was a satisfactory distraction from her own thoughts. She'd not argue with his thoughts on magical medicine, but she'd always say that when you were in a tight spot, the old methods worked wonders, and they were almost always Muggle.

"Would you like to talk about it? Perhaps it will help."

[arrogantalloy]

Tony fidgets a little at the suggestion.

"Is that part of the nurse training program? Part time student counselor?"

He chuckles a little, then puts more berries in his mouth as a reason to not talk for a moment.

"It's just things happened and then, well I didn't know things like that would caus- Well that's not true I knew it would happen, science and biology kind of dictate that. But... When it's them..."

[wavesofjade]

She just shook her head at that. It wasn't part of any kind of program, more a personal thing that she undertook for herself, and for the benefit of everyone around her, not only the students. Dolores let him speak, and when he faltered, gently placed a hand on his shoulder. It was light, easily shrugged off, and she would take no offence if that happened.

"Whatever happened, dear..?"

[marshall_lee]

Marshall had oddly been outside on the rooftop. As much as he made it look easy, sometimes even he felt overwhelmed by the presence of so many people in one place. He had made his way up to one of the many observation areas and just stood up there trying not to think about..well, anything.
The craziness of the weekend had taken its toll on him and brought up a lot of things he tried not to think about anymore, mainly how stupid and unappreciative he had been when he was younger and alive.

Thunder rumbled in the distance and clouds were closing in pretty quickly when his sharp eyes happened to notice Dolores walking down the bridge.
She stopped and began looking out over the railing and Marshall could see that she was probably feeling as miserable as he was. He still didn't know an awful lot about Dolores or her life but he felt an odd sense of kinship and understanding when he was around her. She had comforted him when he had needed it so he decided he would do the same for her.
He took a deep breath that he didn't need and quickly made his way over to the bridge. Once he got there he walkd up and stood beside her and also leaned against the railing.

"Hey."

[wavesofjade]

Other vampires could always sneak up on her, especially when she was so distracted. The lack of a heartbeat and their naturally light steps - especially in someone Marshall's age - made it difficult to pinpoint them and when he spoke she visibly started, looking over at him. A smile touched her lips at seeing him there, but it was faint and faded quickly, and a rumbling of thunder gave her a reason to look away.

"Hello, Marshall."

Her fingers gripped lightly at the railing, and she closed her eyes for a moment and gave a small, barely perceptible shake of her head, as if dismissing a thought.

"How are you feeling, dear?"

[marshall_lee]

He gave her a lopsided smile in apology for startling her. "Sorry. I didn't realize you didn't hear me."

He tilts his head to the side a little and studies her for a moment. He knows something is wrong. It didn't take being a vampire to know that. He gives a kind of sad smile when she asks how he's feeling. Here she is standing out on a bridge, obviously feeling upset about something and yet she still selflessly asks him how he's feeling.

"I think I should be asking you that instead..."

[wavesofjade]

Dolores just shook her head to let him know it was alright. Who knew, maybe even one of the human students could have crept up on her when her mind was so far away. Asking him how he felt was something that came naturally, almost like an instinct, though that didn't make the question any less genuine. Marshall was very dear to her, after all..

"I'm as well as might be expected," she told him. Which was to say, not at all, but somehow she couldn't bring herself to properly express it. She'd shown her anger, her outrage at the unfairness of it and how it was something that should never have happened, but how many mothers could say they had seen their child die twice?

"I needed to get away from the castle, just for a little while."

[marshall_lee]

He made a mmm-hmm noise of agreement and stared off into the distance. He understood perfectly. After he had turned back into a vampire it felt like a great sense of loss. And like any regular teenage boy he had coped with it by getting angry and breaking a lot of things. Having gotten the anger and sadness out of his system all he felt now was a twinge of regret and a feeling of the past few days being bittersweet.

"I understand. I was actually up on one of the rooftops when I noticed you. You looked really sad so I figured I should check up on you and make sure you really were okay."

He returned his gaze to her and held it steady.

"Are you? Okay I mean? 'cause if you're not..well, I can't promise I'll have any kind of answer to give you but I'm happy to listen."

[wavesofjade]

Marshall knew what had happened so there was little use in hiding the fact that she was upset. That wasn't the kind of thing you just got over, after all, but part of her was frustrated by the fact that she still hadn't managed to properly express just how much grief she felt. His concern drew a small smile and she looked over at him, meeting his eyes.

"There isn't an answer, dear. You needn't worry about not being able to give one." Even someone with Marshall's experience wouldn't be able to give her the answers that she wanted, but the sentiment was appreciated.

".. I'm not okay," she admitted then, clasping her hands together and looking out at the view again. It was easier to speak when she wasn't looking at him. "But I don't imagine that anyone would be under these circumstances." Dolores paused, and closed her eyes for a moment. "I had to watch him die again, Marshall. I didn't tell you that before, but.. that was how it ended."

[marshall_lee]

He dropped his gaze to the ground for a moment before sighing and saying "I know. I just wish I did have something to say."

He looked up at her admission of not being okay and moved closer to her and listened attentively. "No..I don't think they would."

When she said she had to watch her son die again Marshall drew in a breath that he didn't need and even though it didn't beat he could feel his heart breaking for her. No mother should have to go through something like that even once..twice was incredibly cruel.
Without even thinking about it, he closed this distance to them and caught her up in a gentle hug.

"Oh Dolores..I'm so sorry..."

[wavesofjade]

It was just what she needed, really. The moment Marshall hugged her something inside her snapped, and there wasn't a moment of hesitation as she brought her arms up around him and held him tightly against her, resting her chin against his shoulders as her eyes clamped shut in an attempt to keep the tears from escaping.

"It isn't fair," she whispered, and she felt so childish in saying it, but that was all there was. It wasn't fair. None of this was fair.