Train Home Log

[shnpc]

WHO: Everyone
TONE: Ranging from happy to nostalgic
RATING: PG
WHEN: June 16th
WHERE: On the Hogwarts Express
WHAT: Students and assorted teachers head home at the end of the school year

Comments

[selfhatred]

Karkat swallowed back a lump in his throat that he didn't realize had made its way in there. He hadn't really labeled them in his head but he'd wanted something to be able to call it just so he could call it something. And after talking to Uncle Artollo during the whole broom cleaning thing, it helped him realize a few things. That he didn't have to be labeled something to love someone.

After all, there was the saying that if you loved someone you should let them go, and if they came back then they were yours all along. Right?

He cupped his hands together in front of him and pressed them to his forehead a little, taking a deep breath before glancing back at Tavros. "Nothing." He pauses before continuing, elaborating his thoughts. "We weren't anything. Just...just two friends helping each other out."

[i_bullieve_i_can_fly]

"Oh."

Oh.

He wasn't expecting that to be the answer. He really, really wasn't. He was actually... hoping that wasn't the answer, as stupid as that was of him. Even if it would've made it harder. Infinitely harder. He was counting on Karkat to say what he'd hoped was the real answer. That Tavros had meant enough to him to consider them... something more. As stupid as that was. He felt stupid for actually thinking it was anything, really.

But that was good. Because it meant this was easier than he'd expected, because it meant he didn't hurt Karkat. The only person getting hurt was himself. And why was he getting hurt, anyway? Shouldn't he have been relieved, to know that it was nothing? That they were just. Helping each other out. It should've been. Because who was he fooling, who would want to be with him like that anyway? Jade didn't. Of course Karkat wouldn't. Especially not Karkat, after all there were so many better people who deserved Karkat. Tavros didn't.

"Ha...haha," he let out, though it wasn't as lighthearted as he tried to make it. "I thought... that this, uh, would be harder," he continued, trying his very best to sound cheerful. "I mean, I just... I guess I was stupid, there for a second. Thinking that, it was something more than that!" He forced a smile, "Of course it, uh, wasn't... anything. Because that would be so... stupid!"

So very, very stupid.

[selfhatred]

That had actually been a lie, but it was better to tell a lie and himself being the only one hurting. Hurting himself was something Karkat did constantly so it was no big deal. Or it shouldn't have been. Still, Tavros's reaction to it made him hesitate. He drew his arms in, wrapping them around himself as he tried to fight against the need for closure. They were better off remaining friends. That was all there was to it. Tavros didn't deserve someone who kept fucking up his relationships.

He couldn't cry now. He could cry later when he was alone. He could cry when he was in the safety of his own bedroom at home where nobody would interrupt. He was better off not being in a relationship with anyone if it always ended up with him fucking things up.

He cleared his throat, trying to hide the fact that he was emotional. "You deserve someone better than me. You'll meet someone who can take care of you and give you what you need. There..." No. "I wanted..." No. He took another breath to calm himself down. "There's nothing wrong with liking whoever makes you happy. Uncle Art told me that last weekend. And I like you! I like you a whole bunch, Tav! I...I just didn't put a label on it because I was scared, and it was easier to think of us as just friends who were helping each other out. But I wanted to."

Well shit.

He dug the heels of his palms into his eyes and bent over. "Why do I always fuck things up?"

[i_bullieve_i_can_fly]

Tavros was honestly trying as hard as he could to keep himself together. He was being so stupid. He shouldn't have been getting so upset over something like that, not when he should've been relieved. His hands clenched his armrests tight, fighting the need to shake. His breaths were shaky and it was just overall very obvious that he was not okay, no matter how cheerful he'd tried to sound. Because it hurt. It hurt more than anything had hurt in a while, and he was stupid for letting it hurt like that.

When Karkat spoke, at first Tavros's stomach twisted and churned like he was about to vomit. Because that wasn't true. That was so far beyond true that it was almost cruel of Karkat to say. It was the other way around; Tavros didn't deserve Karkat. But then Karkat continued, and as much as he wanted to speak and tell him that it wasn't true, he listened. But nothing Karkat said made it any easier. Not even when he said he that he did like him. Of course that didn't make it easier. That just made it harder. Ugh, this was so... stupidly complicated and it was frustrating.

At Karkat's last little outburst, he finally and hesitantly looked over at him. But he shouldn't have, because seeing Karkat about to cry was enough to send him over the edge. Tears welled in his eyes, and he bit his lip. "Please...d-don't cry," he said. Because if you cry, he'll cry and he doesn't want to cry. He didn't want this to be so freaking hard. But it was, no matter what either of them said. "None of that's t-true..." he said quietly, "You...d-deserve someone who isn't, afraid to do things. You deserve someone who, doesn't have to hide, or be afraid, or... I...you deserve someone, who's not m-m..." But he couldn't continue, instead he broke off into a small sob that shook through his whole body.

"I-I'm sorry, I can't, I..." He turned in his wheelchair, rolling to the door, reaching out to slide it open. "You deserve someone, w-who isn't...me," he finally managed to get out, his hand still resting on the compartment door.

[selfhatred]

"But I'm the fuck up here, not you." Karkat pulled one hand away and rubbed at his eyes, reaching out for a moment before pulling his hand back. He glanced away, biting his bottom lip harder before deciding to screw it. Just screw it. He lifted his head, raising his voice just a little, a whisper. "I like you, but we shouldn't have taken things so fast. That's why this has to happen."

He got up and covered the distance between them, wrapping his arms around Tavros's shoulders and pressing his face into the top of his head. "If...if this was anything more it'll happen again. That's the number one rule of romance anyway. If you love someone let them go. I'm letting you go, Tav." He pauses and closes his eyes. "We're still friends, right?"

[i_bullieve_i_can_fly]

When Karkat spoke, he shook his head lightly. No, Karkat wasn't the fuck up. It wasn't Karkat's fault at all. It was Tavros's, for just being so scared and unwilling to face the things about himself that he should've faced. But he couldn't. He didn't want to. But he did agree with one thing- they'd taken it too fast. That was actually one of the biggest reasons Tavros was doing this, because it was just too much to handle all at once. There wasn't enough time to think, because things kept happening. Maybe if they had gone slower, he wouldn't have felt the need to break things off. But even though he was scared and backing out, it didn't make it any easier to cope with.

He couldn't help tensing up when Karkat got up and wrapped his arms around him. It was a natural reaction, but it was one he hadn't had with Karkat before. Usually he would've been okay with it, especially because they were alone. But he was tensing because... affection was the problem. Too much of it. And what Karkat was saying just... didn't help. He loved him? He was setting him free? No, no, no... that... that wasn't what he wanted to hear, he couldn't handle that. It made it sound like he expected Tavros to come back, and... there was so much pressure there.

Tavros let out another sob, and slid the door open, pulling out of Karkat's grasp. "I d-don't know, Karkat, okay? I just... I..." He wanted to say yes, that of course they were still friends, because that was what he wanted more than anything. But he... this was just too much to think about, and he needed time alone to really gather his thoughts. He couldn't truthfully answer Karkat's question, not without lying slightly. And lying had gotten them into this, in a way. Or at least, it hadn't made things easy in the beginning. Lying only hurt. But then again, he didn't think it was possible to hurt anymore than he did at that moment.

"I really just...I...h-have to go, Karkat," he choked out, and he started wheeling forward. "I have a headache, and I just...d-don't know!" He hadn't had a headache when thinking about this kind of thing since the very beginning, back when he'd still been fighting with Karkat. Karkat had been the one to take it away, by making him feel less afraid. But now that he was leaving, it was just... coming back. All Tavros wanted to do was break down and cry, but he was trying as hard as he possibly could to keep it in in front of Karkat. But the more time that passed, the harder it was to actually do that.

[selfhatred]

No. No, that wasn't what he meant at all. But Karkat couldn't find the right words. For all his knowledge on romance and dating and liking others, he'd never put any of it to good use. Maybe he was just better off offering advice than being involved with someone. He just kept screwing things up by putting his foot in his mouth, and this just proved it.

He pulled away when Tavros broke away, his brow furrowing together in confusion. Had he said something wrong? Why were feelings so hard to figure out? Why was it impossible for him to say the right things. Karkat ran a hand through his hair, feeling frustration starting to boil up inside before he moved back to his seat, slumping down in it and putting his head in his hands, staring out the window.

"Just go."