sortinghat_logs | Illusion never changed into something real

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Illusion never changed into something real

WHO: Eridan and Feferi
TONE: This might break a couple of hearts. ~~like Eridan's~~
RATING: PG
WHEN: 15/1/12 (After dinner but before curfew)
WHERE: Astronomy tower
WHAT: Eridan commented on Feferi's entry. Feferi told him they needed to talk. Rampant miscommunication, and oh Eridan baby you're babbling. This will be close to a conversation that they have in canon. They will both need snuggles after this.
STATUS: ONGOING!

Feferi drew her robe around herself a little tighter to ward off the chill of the castle (although if she was entirely honest with herself, she wasn't just shivering because of the cold), glancing around as she made her way through the hallways up to the Astronomy tower. She stared up the stairs for a moment before drumming up her courage and ascending. She gnawed on her lower lip worriedly, thinking about how best to start this conversation.

Her heart was pounding and her mouth was dry by the time that she came to the door at the top of the stairs, and she took a deep breath before pushing it open, expecting that Eridan was probably already up there.

"Eridan?" she called.

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"Yeah," Feferi agreed quietly.

The non-subtle efforts on the part of their parents (mostly Eridan's father, actually) to push them together were part of what made Feferi so uncomfortable. She didn't exactly have anyone whose name she doodled in all of her notebooks, but she knew that she didn't want to marry Eridan. That would be like marrying her own brother!

"And, I have something that I wanted to talk to you about," she said.

It was rare that they sat and talked and didn't talk about him. Not always because he needed to talk about himself; she was maddeningly persistent at pestering him for details on stuff she didn't even want to give.

"Wwhat?" he said, before he'd managed to recover from the slight stab of surprise and managed the slightly more articulate: "Wwhat's that?"

Feferi idly played with the hem of her robe-sleeve. Her next words were catching around the lump that was in her throat. She felt like...like she was saying goodbye. She felt like she was doing something wrong, like she was betraying everything that they had, like she was abandoning Eridan. Which couldn't be farther from the truth! She still cared about him a lot!

"I just...I think that maybe we should try to make other friends, Eridan."

He almost didn't understand what she meant.

No, scratch that- the part of him that looked at things shallowly didn't get what she meant at all, and couldn't understand why his heart had suddenly dropped into his stomach with growing fear.

"We have other friends." His mouth felt dry. "What are you sayin', I've got a ton a' friends."

Feferi's posture fell, and if she wasn't meeting Eridan's eyes before then she definitely wasn't doing so now.

"Eridan...you know what I mean." Her voice was small and faint. "Don't make this harder than it already is. Please."

"No I don't know what you mean." He was starting to get panicked now, feeling distinctly like he couldn't breathe. Something was stuck in his throat and he couldn't get it out, and the words came out all choked. "Fef, what are you sayin', what are you tryin' to get out here because I don't have a fuckin' clue, what are you sayin' to me-"

She looked up at him, startled and hurt, when he started making all sorts of panicky sounds. She reached out and put her hand on his knee.

"I'm sorry, Eridan..."

He'd never jerked away from her before like he did then, the movement panicky and uncertain. "I don't understand-" And he didn't, because what the hell was she talking about, needed other friends, he had plenty of other friends-

-he thought-

-maybe?

"Are you sayin'-" He swallowed, tried again, his voice cracking embarrassingly on the words. "What, are you sayin' we can't be friends anymore? Is that what you're tellin' me?"

She recoiled like he'd stung her when he jerked away. And -- there we go, that did it. Tears spilled down her cheeks, even though she tried to wipe them away with the sleeve of her robe.

"I-it's not that..." she tried to explain. "I still really want to be your friend! It's just...maybe not..." She stopped, took a deep breath, looked him in the eyes and tried again.

"I can't keep just taking care of you, Eridan. I...I need to take care of myself, too."

"I didn't need you to take care of me!"

The words were out before he could think about them, convince himself that maybe that wasn't the right thing to say. And then she was crying, oh fuck, oh fuck, he never meant to make Feferi cry, never ever and he'd never been good at making her stop, either. She could have punched him right in the face and a broken nose would have made him feel less terrible than he did right now, but he couldn't just stop.

"Who ever fuckin' asked you to take care of me, you think that's what this is about?" And then, stupidly- "That's what you've thought a' me this whole time? You're just my fuckin' NANNY?"

Feferi just sat there, feeling his words cut into her, one after the other, until finally she couldn't take it anymore.

"NO! That's what friends do, Eridan, they take care of each other! They try to make each other happy, they make sure that they don't get into trouble, they pay attention, Eridan!" Her shoulders were shaking, and she was up on her knees now. "The whole time we've been at school, I have given you everything! I don't even know if there's anything left of me anymore!"

Oh no, no no no, he was not about to take that lying down.

"You didn't give me anythin'!" he shouted back. "You think I don't care about you- that I wouldn't do ANYTHIN' to make you happy, and you're layin' this on me! You never even realized, did you, you don't fuckin' understand ANYTHIN' about me!"

Feferi shrank back like he'd physically struck her. "You never listen to me, Eridan! If you really want to make me happy, then stop trying to tell me what is and is not proper for me to do!" She collapsed, sitting on her heels.

"All you ever do is belittle my friends! And when you do that, you're belittling me, Eridan! I just... I'm DONE! I've had it!"

"I do not!" he shouted, ignoring the fact that he exactly did. Well, and weren't they not good enough for her? And didn't they take her attention away from him? "When have I ever- I've always been there, done anythin' you wanted me to do, anythin' you needed me to do and now it's goodbye Eridan, thanks but I'm done with you? You can't just- you can't just walk away from me!"

"You do so!" And oh, my god Eridan, so you were allowed to have other friends but she wasn't?

She stopped yelling.

"I know, Eridan. I'm not saying we can't be friends again - or even anymore! I just...I need a break. Please, try to understand..."

"I don't understand."

He got up suddenly, pacing because if he didn't he was going to scream, or cry, running his hands through his hair. The hair that he spent so much time trying to keep straight and back from his face, leaving the curls coming down in a mess.

"I don't understand a damn thing, where is this comin' from Fef, you ain't said two words to me about bein' unhappy or anythin'-"

Feferi jumped to her feet when Eridan did, not because she felt threatened or anything but because it was the only thing she could think of to do. Watching Eridan was breaking her heart. Why did he have to make this so hard?

But the worst part was that she knew he was right. He was right, she should have tried to talk to him before it just got to be too much, but she was just...tired, now. She pressed the heels of her hands against her eyes. "I'm sorry, Eridan."

"What are you sorry for?" He was starting to get really crazy, now, and he reached out without thinking to try and pull her hands away from his face. "What did I do? Whatever it is I'll fuckin' fix it, I swear, you don't have to do somethin' like this."

Feferi stiffened when Eridan reached out and grabbed her wrists, and she resisted his grip for a moment before letting her hands fall and looking up at him. "Eridan, stop! This isn't the end of the world! I'm not saying we can never be friends again, or even that we're not friends anymore!"

"You're tellin' me to go away!" He was not going to cry, and he was not going to shout, but his voice cracked awkwardly nonetheless. "You're tellin' me you don't want me to be part of your life anymore."

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Illusion never changed into something real

Glass why am I laughing this is sad

I don't know this is a terribly tragic post

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backtagging like a boss

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