The Tallest Tower

[i_bullieve_i_can_fly]

WHO: Tavros Nitram, Karkat Vantas
TONE: Kind of Dark
RATING: PG-13, mentions of suicide so a little triggery.
WHEN: April 24th, after this
WHERE: the Astronomy Tower
WHAT: Tavros is depressed- more than he has been ever, pretty much. And he said something that freaked Karkat the hell out.
STATUS: in progress
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Tavros didn't think he'd ever felt this crushingly miserable in his entire life. Ever since the rap battle, he'd been feeling increasingly inferior and inadequate as a friend, because everyone else always seemed to need to step in and solve his problems for him. He'd felt better after his talk with Karkat in the library, though it was more like he'd just pushed the feelings to the back of his mind. When he'd talked to Equius, he'd brought them out and just stabbed the. Over and over until Tavros felt like vomiting because he was just so upset.

And then Karkat had stepped, and it had made Tavros feel that much worse, because it meant once again he was just a burden. Someone people had to defend, that couldn't stand up for himself.  And he'd lied in the conversation with Equius, too. He'd told him that his dreams weren't taken away, that he still had them. That was a lie. Equius had taken them, and he'd crushed them.

That was why he'd gone to the Astronomy tower. Being so high up, it made him feel like he was flying. It always did- and yet, now that he was sitting under the stars, it didn't feel the same. Not after he'd experienced what it was like flying for real. It just felt like a cruel slap in the face now. It didn't feel as high as it used to. It didn't help him capture his dreams back like he'd hoped it would. Because that's the only reason he'd gone to the astronomy tower in the first place.

He'd closed his journal after telling Karkat where he was, because he had stairs to get up, and those were always difficult. He hadn't known that what he'd said would be particularly alarming. Honestly that thought, as miserable as he was, had never crossed Tavros's mind. As shitty as life was sometimes, he liked living. Sometimes it was fun, and the fun always seemed to outweigh the bad, when it was happening.  He may have been dangerously close to the edge, but it was only so he could look out over the grounds, feel the wind and just try and pretend that everything wasn't terrible. That he was in the air and flying.

But he wasn't looking out over the grounds, nor did he have his arms spread out like he was flying. Instead, he was hugging himself and shaking violently with sobs, his eyes clenched tight as he just thought about nothing but what a stupid, horrible failure he was. He couldn't do anything right, he couldn't keep secrets, or stand up for people, or help anyone, or be confident. He couldn't be anything he wanted to be. He couldn't be a hero.

He was just Tavros, the crippled burden.

Comments

[selfhatred]

"Well, it seems to me like you're blowing things out of proportion." He crouched down in front of the other boy again, careful with his movements as he pillowed his head on his arms, resting them on Tavros's knees. He pursed his lips together. "I didn't break up with Feferi because of you, if that's what you're thinking. It was a bad time for both of us and it was a mutual agreement that it hadn't really been the best way to handle things." He shrugged. "I liked her, sure, but God fucking knows what I was thinking during that match."

[i_bullieve_i_can_fly]

"I... but, I'm the one who, m-made it happen! I mean, y-you would've s-stayed with her, if it w-wasn't for me!" Tavros said, staring down at Karkat as the Gryffindor looked up at him. "I'm not blowing it, o-out of proportion. It's my fault! Just l-like, everything else. P-people always have to do t-things for me, and I c-can't do anything f-for them, like that, because I-I always mess up."

He swallowed, and brought a hand up to wipe at his eyes again. "Like, the r-rap thing. It was for Gamzee, b-but I screwed it up, and c-caused you and Jade to fight..." At the thought of Jade, a whole new wave of misery washed over him. "S-she still likes you, b-but I'm just i-in the way." He let out a frustrated groan as he continued, "A-all because these... stupid feelings won't g-go away! We... w-were supposed to try and figure out stuff, and... I-I wasn't s-supposed to...I... they won't go a-away!"

[selfhatred]

Yeah, it wasn't supposed to go this way. Karkat wasn't supposed to be fighting down the urge to just go back and strangle Equius for the things that he said, even if it would be interrupting Gamzee's beat down on him. The news that Jade still liked him made him blink a little, before he shook his head with a small sigh. "We do things for you because that's what friends do. And I'll be honest, I've been looking for an excuse to punch Strider for a long time. Hell I punched myself after we fought." Well not really, he just went to his spot in the owlery and hit the wall until his fists bled.

Karkat stood from where he was squatting and looked away, shoving his hands into his pockets. "If you really think we shouldn't be doing this then...maybe we shouldn't be. I just thought maybe you could show me that my dad was wrong about me."

[i_bullieve_i_can_fly]

Tavros didn't know what to say to any of the first part. It didn't make him feel any better. He didn't like the fact that his friends felt like they had to do things for him. Even that was silly, because it's what he wanted to be able to do, it's what would make him feel like a good friend. But the fact that Karkat had punched himself... That made him feel worse, if at all possible.

But then Karkat spoke again, and he forgot all about everything but those words. His stomach twisted, because... No! That... wasn't what he was saying. Or was it? He didn't know. He just wanted to figure everything out, and he didn't have anyone else he could do that with but Karkat. He just... wasn't figuring things out like he wanted to. It was all just so much to take in and all so confusing, he just didn't know what he wanted, or what to do. The statement about his dad made Tavros feel icy, because... Tavros knew a bit about Karkat's dad, and he knew that... Karkat didn't really like him. But beyond that, he didn't know what Karkat meant.

"W-what?" he asked, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion, "I don't think I, understand what y-you mean. And, h-how could I do that?"

[selfhatred]

Karkat let his shoulders slump before he shook his head, running a hand through his hair. He shouldn't have brought it up. He wasn't ready to discuss his dad with anyone. He doubted he'd ever be ready. And this was about Tavros, not him. God, Vantas, you're such an attention seeking asshole. "Never mind."

He pursed his lips together and bit the bottom one before speaking again. "Maybe the reason we're having so much trouble figuring things out is because...we can be ourselves around each other. It doesn't matter what other people think when we're together, because we don't have to abide by society."

[i_bullieve_i_can_fly]

Tavros's eyebrows furrow even more, because... why was Karkat not going to tell him what he meant? He didn't want to push the issue, if Karkat really didn't want to talk about it. He knew how much of a sensitive topic it was. But... why had he brought it up in the first place? Tavros was so confused.

But once again, Karkat's next words made him forget the previous ones, and he was honestly surprised by them. Mainly, because... hearing them made him realize it was true. He hadn't realized until then that... He didn't feel scared around Karkat. He felt safe, and comfortable, and he hadn't realized that he was just letting himself go whenever he was with Karkat.

He didn't know how to feel about this realization. It was wrong, wasn't it? If he was allowing himself to do these things with Karkat, what did it mean? And... what about when they were with other people? How would he ever feel okay with it away from Karkat? He didn't want these things to be real, and yet Karkat had just pointed it all out. It made him feel like what they were doing was... bad. Maybe it was a mistake.

His stomach churned and he felt a little nauseous. The fact that he liked the things he did with Karkat made him feel so conflicted though. He didn't want them to end. He liked being himself around Karkat, even if he didn't like who he was apparently turning out to be. Even if people kept telling him it was okay. He just wanted to be normal.

"I-I..." But he didn't know what to even say, because he didn't know how to really and truly feel about any of it. "What do, w-we do, then?" Stop doing it? Try and figure it out some other way? He didn't know. He had no idea what to do, or how to do it, all he knew was that he was just. Scared.

[selfhatred]

Karkat didn't really know much about it himself. And when he thought about it...really, he'd felt the same with Jade and Feferi. That he could relax and be himself, that he didn't have to put up a wall of anger and hate between him and the world, that everything was okay. So what did that mean when he was with Tavros?

His dad had always made a point to forbid him from doing anything that might make him gay or was considered for girls. Romcoms? No, son, those movies are for girls. Can I get a cat, dad? No, son, you should get a dog instead, cats are for girls. Dad, listen to this! I can hit the high note! Son, that's just downright gay. Sing something more manly like Bruce Springsteen. Yes, dad.

But his dad was gone now. He had no control over his life or any influence on Karkat's choices. There was no reputation at stake, no upholding the clean cut American family image. For the first time in a long time, Karkat felt like he could be himself, be who he wanted to be.

He wanted to help Tavros feel the same way.

He turned his attention back to the Hufflepuff when he heard him stutter, biting his bottom lip before he spoke. "Do you...want this to continue?"

[i_bullieve_i_can_fly]

When Karkat spoke, Tavros didn't know what to say. He looked away, down at his feet and tried to figure out what he wanted. Did he want it to continue? He... He was conflicted on that so much, now that he was really thinking about it. In hindsight, everything had happened so fast. But had it been bad? No. Being with Karkat was... honestly some of the happiest times he'd had.

He just didn't want to be gay.

He'd expected to figure out that he wasn't. And yet... Karkat had just pointed out that they'd been being themselves around each other the entire time. So did that mean he was gay? This was so frustrating. So completely and totally frustrating. And scary.

Karkat's words repeated in his mind and he clenched his fists. "I..." he whispered. Did he want it to continue? He asked himself this again, and somewhere in the back of his mind, a little voice answered yes. He did want it to. "Yes," he said, and his voice was barely above a whisper. "But... m-maybe slower," he finally looked at Karkat again and his eyes were a little wide with fright. "I... everything is happening s-so fast, I think..." He let out a frustrated little sigh, "If that's okay. I mean, I just... um, I... maybe we've gotten, a-a little carried away, because of the fact that w-we, um, feel... so much ourselves, with each other. M-maybe we should, uh, s-slow ourselves down... If that, uh, makes sense?"

He was trying to make sense. He was trying to make sense and he was fighting with himself, trying to reach some kind of middle ground. Because he did want to keep going. He just didn't want to be gay. It seemed like it was impossible to reach a middle ground, but he was trying.

[selfhatred]

Karkat lifted his hand and let it linger in the air before placing it on Tavros's shoulder, curling his fingers around it as comfortingly as he thought he was being. He'd honestly been thinking the same thing, that they'd gotten carried away. Maybe that had been why his relationships with Jade and Feferi hadn't lasted that long, because he'd rushed headlong into things like a fool.

Like he always was.

"Yeah, it makes sense. This...whole thing kind of happened a little fast, didn't it?" He pulled his hand away and used it to rub his own arm a little awkwardly. "Maybe before we start doing anything like making out or dates we should just take a step back. It's...I mean, nothing's going to change, just...being a little slower I guess."

[i_bullieve_i_can_fly]

Tavros felt a little relieved when Karkat agreed. How had things moved so fast, anyway? It just... seemed like such a blur. He felt better though, knowing that things could slow down. It was almost like a pressure had been lifted off of him, to be honest. A pressure he didn't even really realize had been there. But what did it mean, still? He... he'd still done those things with Karkat already. He'd felt good about them, until now. So what did it mean?

"I... yeah," he whispered, "Step back and just, uh... I don't know," he admitted, "I don't, kn-know what stepping back really means, in this context, but... I think it would be a good idea..." Maybe it meant... not acting on all of the things they'd been acting on. But if the urges were there... No, stop. He didn't want to think about it. He just wanted to focus on slowing down. He didn't want to think about anything else. Maybe it would be okay if they slowed down. Maybe eventually things would make sense.

"It... um, doesn't change anything, for me, though..." he admitted after a few seconds, "I... I mean, just because w-we're slowing down, doesn't... mean that I don't still feel, like myself...around you. I just, uh... It's scary, Karkat. I'm scared, of what it means."

[selfhatred]

Karkat didn't realize just how quickly they'd been going. He had to admit he had high expectations of relationships, but he also expected lower of his own. Probably because he'd never considered the possibility of landing in one, just always on the outside looking in. Like with everything. He didn't exactly know how they were going to take a step back either, but there wasn't much else he could suggest short of breaking up.

Karkat had already broken his own heart once.

He drew his hands up to place them on the edges of his pant pockets, looking down at the roof of the Astronomy tower as he pursed his lips together. "It's scary for me too, bro. I mean I never considered the fact that...this could happen. I was happy having a best friend crush on Gamzee and thought that was it. But...I...I like you. Maybe more than should be considered healthy."