sortinghat_logs | Shadow Event Log

[ At first, it was just odd. An odd sensation on the back of his head. The usual feelings. The ones of insecurity and distress that ate away at him every day ever since he could remember. But he had built his defenses. He had made his wall that seperated those feelings from the outside world. The one other people knew as Sollux Captor was partially a facade to protect himself from everything. To keep his true feelings bottled up, not available for anyone to gaze at. But this was different. This was unrelenting. Sollux ignored it at first, thinking of it as just another bout of bullshit forming up. But the next day, it had grown. He had to pour all of his heart and sould into keeping it at bay, something he had never had to do before. Something that made him aware that this was much more than his simple insecurities.

You're not good enough for anybody, not even yourself. You don't deserve to be here, to have all this. Such a disgusting pig shouldn't even be allowed to LOOK at this school, much less attend it. Someone else should be here, not some rotting piece of garbage like you. But maybe, just maybe, that's just what you deserve. What you need to get your filthy person in line. You know that girl that puts up with you? She only does it out of PITY. She only does it because she feels sorry for you. She could be doing much better things, but noooo. Poor Sollux Captor was alone and needed a friend, and then she was stuck to you out of the pure kindness of her heart. Now there's a good person, unlike you. You don't even deserve to have her near you. To see her. Oh, you say she's your friend? Forget it. You don't have friends. You don't have anything. You're a disgusting self deprecating asshole who pushes people away from himself, aren't you? Yes, yes you are. You're shit. No, you don't even deserve that. You're worse than shit. Not even fit to belong in a sewer. And that boy you think you're warming up to? There's a reason why you disliked him. He wants to get near you, to get you to open up, and then he'll stab you in the back and leave you to die, like anyone else would. You're alone. Everyone loathes you, resents you. You're lucky enough to have people who PRETEND they care about you.

And with that, Sollux snapped out of it, finding himself wandering around one of the halls, with no one in sight and no memory of how he had gotten there. Well, that wasn't completely correct. At first, it was just something in the corner of his eye, but a more... astute inspection revealed... himself? A shadowy reflection of him, grinning like an idiot. Sollux just thought he was seeing things, until the shadow spoke, its voice mesmerizing and tempting.

Look at you. You don't even know where you are, do you? Shouldn't you be in class? How could a ravenclaw student wander like this? You're a piss poor representative for your house. The worse that ever was.

And thus this went on all day. It wasn't until the end of the last class that an oddly silent Sollux made a beeline to wherever the fuck there wouldn't be any people. If he opened his mouth it would just be an invitation to let the tears pour out. ]

[Something had been happening today. After the memorial, Eridan had noticed some people just seemed off today. He tried not to take too much thought into it, he wasn't being effected, there wasn't a reason to worry. So, Mr. Ampora went about his day, focusing on his classes as well as he could and trying to act as if this entire thing wasn't slowly starting to weird him out more and more.

It was after classes that he realized there wasn't a way to get around this scott-free. Before it turned too late, Eridan decided to spend the remainder of his time in the library, just relaxing and surrounded by books of all kinds, you know, ~~being a nerd~~ relaxing but not... actually doing any reading or anything.

While relaxing, he takes a casual look around to see someone else stepping on into the library. Oh look. It's Sollux, who looks like his usual nerd self from afar as he disappears down an aisle. Eridan stands up as casually as he can and shoves his hands in his pocket, wandering on closer to him. He cracks a smirk, idly removing a hand from his pocket to scratch the back of his head. He had the perfect opening liner that would really make him so mad.

Except.

Something caught his eye. He was about to hassle him, make him feel bad, just like normal. Alas, the Sollux that was like him made him... stop. He was curious to what it even was, but he wasn't going to act as if it was something freaky. At least he'll try to be a bit eloquent as he can. ~~Not really~~]

... What the hell's that?

[ Shit. Not this douche. Just going to casually keep walking because he does NOT want to deal with his disgusting comments and his asinine shit. ]

[Wow. That's not right. Cue him following him and trying to get closer to the shadow... and him of course, but mainly the shadow.]

Hey, the hell?! C'mon dude I was just askin' a fuckin' question. I'll leawe you alone if you just tell me what the hell that thing is!

[ Sollux turned to him and spoke as fast as he began walking again. ]

GET THE FUCK OFF!!

[ His eyes were a bit red, and his expression was most than certainly not his usual one. Not the cocky, arrogant prick but someone else. Someone hidden from sight this whole time. Quickly, he sped up his pace, trying to lose Eridan. ]

[Yeah, no. That's not going to stop Eridan. Despite the fact he took a step back in surprise, he kept on trying to get closer to him. He wanted to know what was going on, and he was going to find out if this was the last thing he did. ]

The fuck is your problem?!

[God damn boys stop being so loud in the damn library.]

My problem--

[ He choked on his own words, and began coughing a lot, stopping in his tracks for a moment. ]

Ith you. Tho pith off, athhat!

[ Thaaat was close. He couldn't start crying in front of Eridan. That would be worse than suicide. ]

[Oh. Holy shit. Something was bugging him. It honestly perplexed Eridan, he had never seen Sollux like this in the entirety of the four years he's seen him. It was almost strange, surreal...

Gah.]

I am doin' nothin' to antagonize you in any fuckin' way, I just wanted to know what's goin' on with tha-- [wait. He was close enough to realize something about that shadow.

It looked like Sollux.] -- you. What the fuck?

Do you see it now? He knows you're weak. He wants to hurt you. He wants to leave you here to die. And that's what you get when you're as despicable as you are. You ought to just drop and die to spare him the trouble.

[ Okay, he couldn't let Eridan get to him. He couldn't let this bloody thing get to him. Could he even see it? Whatever, he didn't care. After his shadow spoke, he took a deep breath and just ran away, off the library and into the hallways without saying a word. ]

[Oh, how he heard those words. Those at times all-too familiar words of self-doubt and loathing. Eridan stays there for a moment, watching him run off. However, he knew this couldn't have been the end of it. He knew deep inside to follow him, especially with the shit that shadow was saying. The moment of hesitation was over, and he dug his heels in to chase right the fuck after him again.

He wasn't going to let him get away.]

[ He didn't even notice Eridan running after him. He just ran as fast as he could before heading into the first empty classroom he ran into, and closing the door shut. Anyone who would walk in would be able to hear the shuddering, shivering, and the occasional sniffling of a certain teenager huddled against a corner, his arms around his legs and his face down, planted between them. ]

[How glad he was to watch him run into the classroom, thank god he didn't lose him in the crowds, and thankfully since he was in the classroom it would give him time to catch up and stand outside the door, collecting his breath. After doing so, he carefully opens the door, ready to defend himself if he was still acting crazy as shit.

It was actually the opposite. Eridan thins his eyes as he looks at the huddled mass of a halfblood, and can make out some of the noises. Frowning, he leans in the doorway, crossing his arms. He makes a small decision, trying to figure out if he wants to move closer, or just stay in the doorway.

He chooses to stay.]

... What is goin' on with you?

Do you seem him? He even chased you so he could laugh at you and mock you for your pathetic, shitty existance. How lovely of him, don't you agree? You were right about him, you know. Cold blooded, cruel, a snake. Thinking you two could ever be friends was a mistake. Do you get it? He gave himself to the trouble of coming after poor you so he could bring you down himself, as if you don't do that enough.

[ Fuck. This wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening. Sollux didn't even raise his head, he merely uttered some quiet words. ]

Go away.

Wrong answer. Not until I'm aware of what that double is and whatewer the fuck it's talkin' about.

[He really couldn't believe he was hearing this. All of the lies he was hearing. He thought. He thought that he was his friend, or... something. That they were friendly in the least. He dug his fingers into his arm, trying hard to not get mad. It wasn't working as well as he had hoped, but he wasn't yelling at him just yet. He sneers, almost hissing as he speaks.]

Especially with what horrid lies it's spewin' from its trap. Most of them anyways.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Yes, that's right. You don't. You don't know anything. Look at him. Lying to you, again, and again, and again. And he's saying I'm the liar. He truly is a manipulative snake. The moment you decided to listen to him was the moment when you signed your own fate. You set yourself up for this. You gross, disgusting excuse for a human being. You should be ashamed of your existance. Maybe do the world a favor and jump out the window. No one would care. Everyone would be happy that they don't have to deal with you anymore. Everywhere people would celebrate that the disgusting halfblood was dead, and that he was never going to bother anyone ever again with his slimy, corrosive existance. Get a grip, Sollux. You're worthless.

[ Just going to drag his hands up and clasp his fingers over his head, without making a sound. ]

How can you not? It's speakin' as clear as fuckin' day, continuin' to say one thing after another.

[He pushes himself off the doorframe, idly walking towards him. He's cautious in his step, ever so much that he'll stop a desk length back, leaning against it. His eyes move from the huddled mass that is Sollux to his shadow, thinning his eyes. The lies in there were so freaking obvious, but... there was the hidden truth. Yeah, he was sometimes manipulative, and sometimes he said some horrible things to him... but he wasn't lying this time.

But at the same time it hurt him to hear that, especially whenever he talked about killing himself and thinking it would be better for people.]

You know that's wrong. Yeah, you're a fuckin' halfblood, yeah, you're newer goin' to be as great as I'll be. But if you think you disappearin' from the fuckin' plane of existence wouldn't ewen effect one person, you're wrong. You are so fuckin' wrong about that.

Besides. You fuckin' said it yourself, you dick. We made the fuckin' agreement that we weren't goin' to quit until we're both speakin' like eweryone else, and I'm damned sure that we're not close at all right now.

Filthy lies. All of them. That agreement you have? He's just taking advantage of you. Yes he is. He doesn't care about you, he just wants to get rid of funny little vees. And just look at him. Here you are, sitting in the edge of misery, and he walks in, gloating about himself and how great he is. He's almost as disgusting as you are. But not really. Even with this, you're so much worse than him. So much more... disposable. What have you done in your life that is something to be proud of? What could you have done? Everything. But you did nothing. Remember Mituna? Latula was there for him. She helped him and so did you. Or so you think. What did you actually do? Pat him in the back and say it's going to be okay? You disgust me. And I'm you. You hate yourself more than anyone has ever hated anything in the world. And that's why I exist. To remind you how putrid, horrible, disgusting, and awful you are. It's nothing new to you. Why are you getting so worked up? Can't you take a commentary? Of course you can't. You're a hopeless little dweeb who lets every little thing get to him and keeps it to himself. So please, cry more. It only shows how impotent and trashy you are.

[ Just... silence now. ]

[Oh how he listened to those words that god awful shadow was saying. He listened, and he let it all sink in way deeper than he realized it was doing. This wasn't just some plaguing spell or hex or some shit that was trying to get to him, oh no, this was something different in a ways, but Eridan had no idea what it was.

Either way, it was still talking and saying things, and Eridan knew that it was saying shit that would make anyone feel bad for the kid. He knew so freaking well how bad it could make someone feel, because... well... This was actually making even Eridan feel sorry for the guy. He knows exactly how he feels, but he's glad that it's not being projected and out there like this. Oh no, if it was this bad, it would have plagued the hell out of him and he knew it. He knew it would have hit him so much harder, and it was even starting to somewhat hit him. But he thought to himself, maybe... maybe he could try to jog the voice away. Try to distract him... or something.

He pushes himself forward, stepping closer, keeping his eye on the shadow, and looking dead on. He wouldn't lose it in his sights, he was sure of it.]

Sol. Why are you listenin' to it?

I'm not.

Oh now, now, dearie, don't be shy. You've been listening to me ever since you were a toddler, now you just get the added bonus of seeing me. You and this... this thing that calls himself a person. What was his name again? It doesn't matter, it's all the same. Even if he knew some spell to vanquish me, I'd still be in there. In your head. Feeding off your insecurities and fears. And what a lovely amount there are, don't you think? Every time someone throws a backhanded comment or says something in the wrong tone, I grow stronger. And now that I'm out here, your weak little mask can't protect you. Everyone can see you for the sham you are. A joke. A lie. Every day you bottle yourself up as you project the image of a stubborn guy who does not give a shit about anything. But that's a lie, isn't it? You give a shit about everything. You just don't want anyone to know. No one needs to know that Sollux Captor, asshole extraordinaire is actually a gigantic mess on the inside. Because then they'd despise you more than they already do. Isn't it lovely, the world of lies you live in? Nobody says what they think about you, they just hate you in silence. They talk about you behind your back. About how retarded your lisp is, and 20 million other things. It must feel lovely, knowing you're alone against everything in the world.

[ And with that display, Sollux began breathing loudly, before swatting his arm to the left, where his shadow was, before it dissipated into thin air and materialized to his right. ]

Tsk tsk tsk, that won't do now, won't it? You can fight me back all you want, but you can't kill me. I'm all you have left. I'm you. You are alone and you're the only person who will ever support you. I'm your friend. Don't hit me, embrace me.

[Oh... how he listens and he listens hard. Every word his shadow was saying was grating on his nerves, chipping away as slowly as it could. It hurt to see him talk this way about himself, it hurt in so many god damned ways. It not only hurt but it was making him completely furious. It was saying shit about him and he didn't like it at all, and he knew that it wasn't all true, he knew that for a fact because he believed in it. (we gettin all hopeful in here)

By this point his arms are shaking, but only because of how hard his fingers were balled into a fist.]

You're nothin' but a fake, lyin' sack of fuckin' smoke! How dare you refer to me as somethin' like that. You know exactly what I am, and what he is. Yeah. You hawe fears, you hawe insecurities, and shit like that. Hey, you're not the only damn one. It's called bein' a fuckin' human and that's just normal for some folks.

[Everyone.

Himself.

When he gets close enough, he gives the shadow one last look before lowering himself to Sollux's level, not dare to touch just yet.. but to try to continue to get through to him.]

You and I both know it's not true. You'we got your family, you'we got your friends... you'we... got the professors. [And me.] You can't be serious that some figmented smoke ghost is goin' to get you the hell down, especially since it's speakin' like that and hawin' no rights to doin' it. That thing doesn't deserwe to be speakin' about you like that, and you know it to be fuckin' true. Seriously, stop listenin' to it.

Aww, look at him trying to be supportive. That's how you know he wants to backstab you. He just wants to get close to you through any means possible. But let's see what he has to say, shall we? Your family. Your brother is a broken husk, incapable of anything. He probably blames you for what happened to him. You couldn't defend him. He hates you. Your friends? They only stick with you out of pity. It would be a relief for them if you were gone one day. Especially for Feferi, the poor girl. She has to suffer through your presence nearly every damn day. How hard do you think that is? It's pretty intolerable. And she still does it. The professors? They couldn't care less. Especially the one that yelled in your face out of a personal grudge. Now there's one who would pay to see you skewered. He would even clap and ask for an encore. What have you got left? You have yourself and this, this pathetic excuse for a snake. That means you have nothing. You're nothing.

[ And then some moments of silence. ]

.... I'm sorry.

More lies.

[He's not looking up at it. He isn't going to look up at it, but at least he'll address things better this time. With a sigh, he starts going down the list of things that he can recall as clear as day.]

If I wanted to backstab you I would hawe long ago, I might be some fuckin' snake to that stupid thing, but I'm not, and I wouldn't. [ Skipping around because he's not going to touch the family thing because he doesn't want to...] Fef really does ... like you as a friend, alright? Especially the way she just oh so much fondly fuckin' regards you whenewer I'm not carin' too much to hear about it, I still tolerate it because she actually enjoys hawin' you around.

[Skipping over things...] We both said it ourselwes. My old man's scary as hell, but he would newer go as far as to clap towards someone's death, ewen someone that he cannot tolerate if they're a student. I mean, for fucks sakes, the man's an auror, do you think he'd really be that damned coldhearted?

[He reaches out, grasping hard onto his shoulders and giving him a slight shake, just trying to get him to stop listening to the damn shadow and to really really listen to him. ]

Stop listenin' to it.

Did you even HEAR that? That wasn--

Shut up.

[ He raised his head after Eridan shook him, looking him in the eye. The shadow had somehow decreased in size. And then, suddenly, he lashed out to hug him. He didn't even care it was Eridan, he just... needed the physical contact. the assurance that he wasn't actually alone. ]

Thankth, Ed.

[ And in the background, the shadow kept on blabbering, its voice oddly not understandeable. Maybe it was the result of Sollux's own mind filtering it out? ]

I mean it.

[To be completely fair, Eridan hadn't expected it to turn to that. He didn't expect him to lash out and latch onto him like that, and thus... he just felt the need to sit there for a moment, still holding his arms out. He almost looked as if he were about to shove him off, but instead his arms lightly draped about him.]

Yeah. Yeah...

[This was all sorts of awkward, but at the very least it helped... and he understood how much he had really needed it. In some sense, it helped Eridan too. Sort of. ~~More than he realizes, actually~~. With a quiet sigh, he rubs his back, not even focusing on the jabbering shadow.]

... No problem.

[Well, that was what he was doing. To be fair, beyond what the shadow had said, Eridan wasn't all that bad. Well, he was a douche, but so was he. But it just felt good to cling to anyone, even if it was him. He was pretty riled up, but when you're literally haunted by your insecurities, that tends to happen.]

If you tell anyone about thith I'll rip out your ballth and feed them two you.

Shadow Event Log

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