Graham Specter (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
heartwrenching) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
sortinghat_logs2012-10-13 03:32 pm
heartwrenching) wrote in sortinghat_logs2012-10-13 03:32 pm
Entry tags:
Match 0 - Special Gryfferin vs. Ravenpuff Teacher Showdown!
WHO: Gryfferin and Ravenpuff Quidditch Teams with Graham Specter screaming commentary
TONE: Athletic, competitive
RATING: PG-13 for sporting violence and Graham being Graham
WHEN: Sunday, October 14th
WHERE: Quidditch pitch
WHAT: Special Quidditch Event - Teacher vs. Teacher!
STATUS: Completed
Do not be confused, viewers! You have not fallen into a terrifying parallel universe where the students are teachers and the teachers are students! At least, I don’t think we have. It’d be a pretty inopportune time for that to happen, what with this scheduled Teachers’ Quidditch Match and all – nobody’d even NOTICE! And adding to all this cognitive dissonance, of course, is the fact that the teams are HOPELESSLY AND IRRESPONSIBLY jumbled up! It’s madness! It’s chaos! It’s RAVENPUFF VERSUS GRYFFERIN. Up-is-down and inside-is-outside here on the Quidditch pitch today. If that’s how the universe wants to play it, that’s fine; it doesn’t tell me what to do so I don’t tell IT what to do! That’s just being polite! That’s just ontological courtesy!!
I, Graham Specter, am here to guide you through this fun match between teachers and/or this nightmarish fake reality where everything we know to be true is pulled inside out, a mockery of the world we know! For convenience’s sake, I’m gonna stick with the teacher thing. Mostly because that means I’ve got the right to make enthusiastic noises when our teachers beat the crap outta each other, and nobody can say a THING because it’s my solemn duty as an announcer! HAHAHA THE POWER, IT IS GOOD
The Quaffle goes up and everyone blunders around for a bit and it’s pretty damn sad to look at, if I’m being honest. Is this Quidditch or exercise hour at the old folks’ home?! MEMENTO MORI, HOGWARTS, FOR ONE DAY WE SHALL BE DODDERING CODGERS LIKE THIS! Well maybe you all will; that’s not gonna to happen to me.
Ah, looks like Professor Fernández is one of the first to adjust. He’s got the Quaffle and heads straight for Ravenpuff’s goals! Professor Coulson and – and you know what?! I am already sick and tired of using the word “professor”! NO MORE OF THAT, SURNAMES ONLY! Anyway, Coulson and Maryam give him hell, teaming up on him flawlessly. And how sad, sad, sad, sad! Team Gryfferin doesn’t seem too eager to help him out! He makes a desperate go for the goal anyway. Mercer doesn’t look too comfortable, hanging around the goalposts like they’re magnetized or something. Maybe they are – I don’t know anymore!! The Quaffle soars to the posts and she makes a dive for it, but… ah, just missed! 10-0 Gryfferin!
Coulson and Maryam are undaunted, really going after Team Gryfferin. Wulfenbach’s distracted dealing with one incoming Bludger, but doesn’t see the second one already heading his way! Vantas blocks the ball, and… OH, CRUEL IRONY! His bat recoils from the impact and smacks him in the face! Blood pouring from a wonderfully, exquisitely broken nose splatters through the air as he falls to the ground! Good job!! Oh, but he’s up and dusting himself off, so looks like the nose is the only thing shattered. Aside from my hopes. And there’s his wife stopping to check on him in a flagrant display of being a team traitor.
But she’s off in a flash! Could it be?! Vantas-Leijon has spotted the Snitch and Peixes is in hot pursuit! So close, in fact, that Vantas-Leijon’s braids are hitting her in the face with a vengeance! Aaah, and the Snitch is out of sight; Vantas-Leijon slows down and Peixes passes her! Oh, looks to me like Peixes thinks two can play at the hateful hair game! She’s just pulled a single ribbon, giving Vantas-Leijon a mouthful of her own wild hair! Bluh. Oh, viewers, it brings back memories of the time I was really getting into it with this guy a couple of summers ago– just beating the holy hell out of him and he knows what he did but I sure as hell don’t remember what this was about, though I do have my pet theories and – anyway, what you need to get out of this is I think I bit off part of his scalp! Good times, good memories, good friends, good 10 minutes brushing to get all the hair out of my mouth.
Oh, but I’m cruel to be recounting such tales of happiness when there’s tragic drama on the pitch! Donoghue and Matteris have hardly done anything this match – she trying to deal with her lack of depth perception, he sticking close to her. How touching! How chivalrous! HOW BORING! Maybe Strider thinks so too, since he seems awfully huffy and seems to be diving past Ravenpuff’s Chasers out of spite as they try to score instead of actively searching for the Snitch. Not that it looks like Kennedy needs the help! Three, no – four! Four goal attempts, and he’s blocked them all! Somebody check him for a Time-Turner because those reflexes are bending the laws of the fabric of reality!!
Rhydderch’s got hold of the Quaffle from his fellow Chasers and looks to be giving it a chance himself! Murdoch’s got his eye on Rhydderch – it’s the first time he’s turned his attention away from Matteris all match! Wulfenbach hurls a Bludger at Rhydderch, who dodges and-
THE BLUDGER HIT THE LEFT SIDE OF MATTERIS’ HEAD! She’s in free-fall, spiraling down and down and down and she hits the ground! Unlike Vantas, she’s not getting up! The ref calls a time-out to get her to the medical wing! Which leads me to an interesting question: what would’ve happened if all the staff was playing and nobody was in the medical wing?!
[There is a small break in the game.]
Well, I’ve got confirmation that she’s alive at least, so ONWARDS WITH THE GAME!
Donoghue’s gone on a roaring rampage, throwing himself tooth and nail and angry white-knuckled-grip-on-the-broom into the match! He just got a goal and goes in for another one, but Mercer snags the Quaffle and hurls it far away! No matter - looks like Donoghue’s spotted Rhydderch and is now more interested in chasing him. Round and round they go, where they’ll stop, NOBODY KNOWS! 20-0 Gryfferin! And on the horrible bloody injuries count, 2-0 Gryfferin as well!
Team Gryfferin seems to be in chaos following the break. Team Ravenpuff looks to be exploiting the pandemonium, making the other team dance like puppets on a string! Coulson and Maryam are distracting Peixes and it looks like Strider's more interested in the Donoghue-Rhydderch chase going on. Neither Seeker from Team Gryfferin has noticed Vantas-Leijon zip off after a certain shiny little object which shall remain nameless but rhymes with – oh wait, there are first years here, aren’t there? No no no no, I’m a man with dignity and respect and will not use such language in front of the little – BREAK HIS KNEECAPS INTO BLOODY LITTLE SHARDS WITH THAT BLUDGER, VANTAS awww, you missed!
Vantas-Leijon draws closer and closer and closercloserclosercloserCLOSEERRRRRRR
She’s got the Snitch! Ravenpuff wins, 150-20!
But really, Hogwarts, aren’t we the real winners today? Just look at all the bruises on our teachers!
And now comes the boring stuff with the teams lining up to shake hands and clap each other on the back and blah blah blah stuff I don't care about talking about, so I'm just going to end it h- PROFESSOR STRIDER JUST PUNCHED PROFESSOR RHYDDERCH SQUARE IN THE FACE! A FINAL BEAUTIFUL BOW TIED ON TOP OF THIS BLOODY AND VIOLENT PRESENT OF A MATCH AND IT'S NOT EVEN MY BIRTHDAY!
TONE: Athletic, competitive
RATING: PG-13 for sporting violence and Graham being Graham
WHEN: Sunday, October 14th
WHERE: Quidditch pitch
WHAT: Special Quidditch Event - Teacher vs. Teacher!
STATUS: Completed
Do not be confused, viewers! You have not fallen into a terrifying parallel universe where the students are teachers and the teachers are students! At least, I don’t think we have. It’d be a pretty inopportune time for that to happen, what with this scheduled Teachers’ Quidditch Match and all – nobody’d even NOTICE! And adding to all this cognitive dissonance, of course, is the fact that the teams are HOPELESSLY AND IRRESPONSIBLY jumbled up! It’s madness! It’s chaos! It’s RAVENPUFF VERSUS GRYFFERIN. Up-is-down and inside-is-outside here on the Quidditch pitch today. If that’s how the universe wants to play it, that’s fine; it doesn’t tell me what to do so I don’t tell IT what to do! That’s just being polite! That’s just ontological courtesy!!
I, Graham Specter, am here to guide you through this fun match between teachers and/or this nightmarish fake reality where everything we know to be true is pulled inside out, a mockery of the world we know! For convenience’s sake, I’m gonna stick with the teacher thing. Mostly because that means I’ve got the right to make enthusiastic noises when our teachers beat the crap outta each other, and nobody can say a THING because it’s my solemn duty as an announcer! HAHAHA THE POWER, IT IS GOOD
The Quaffle goes up and everyone blunders around for a bit and it’s pretty damn sad to look at, if I’m being honest. Is this Quidditch or exercise hour at the old folks’ home?! MEMENTO MORI, HOGWARTS, FOR ONE DAY WE SHALL BE DODDERING CODGERS LIKE THIS! Well maybe you all will; that’s not gonna to happen to me.
Ah, looks like Professor Fernández is one of the first to adjust. He’s got the Quaffle and heads straight for Ravenpuff’s goals! Professor Coulson and – and you know what?! I am already sick and tired of using the word “professor”! NO MORE OF THAT, SURNAMES ONLY! Anyway, Coulson and Maryam give him hell, teaming up on him flawlessly. And how sad, sad, sad, sad! Team Gryfferin doesn’t seem too eager to help him out! He makes a desperate go for the goal anyway. Mercer doesn’t look too comfortable, hanging around the goalposts like they’re magnetized or something. Maybe they are – I don’t know anymore!! The Quaffle soars to the posts and she makes a dive for it, but… ah, just missed! 10-0 Gryfferin!
Coulson and Maryam are undaunted, really going after Team Gryfferin. Wulfenbach’s distracted dealing with one incoming Bludger, but doesn’t see the second one already heading his way! Vantas blocks the ball, and… OH, CRUEL IRONY! His bat recoils from the impact and smacks him in the face! Blood pouring from a wonderfully, exquisitely broken nose splatters through the air as he falls to the ground! Good job!! Oh, but he’s up and dusting himself off, so looks like the nose is the only thing shattered. Aside from my hopes. And there’s his wife stopping to check on him in a flagrant display of being a team traitor.
But she’s off in a flash! Could it be?! Vantas-Leijon has spotted the Snitch and Peixes is in hot pursuit! So close, in fact, that Vantas-Leijon’s braids are hitting her in the face with a vengeance! Aaah, and the Snitch is out of sight; Vantas-Leijon slows down and Peixes passes her! Oh, looks to me like Peixes thinks two can play at the hateful hair game! She’s just pulled a single ribbon, giving Vantas-Leijon a mouthful of her own wild hair! Bluh. Oh, viewers, it brings back memories of the time I was really getting into it with this guy a couple of summers ago– just beating the holy hell out of him and he knows what he did but I sure as hell don’t remember what this was about, though I do have my pet theories and – anyway, what you need to get out of this is I think I bit off part of his scalp! Good times, good memories, good friends, good 10 minutes brushing to get all the hair out of my mouth.
Oh, but I’m cruel to be recounting such tales of happiness when there’s tragic drama on the pitch! Donoghue and Matteris have hardly done anything this match – she trying to deal with her lack of depth perception, he sticking close to her. How touching! How chivalrous! HOW BORING! Maybe Strider thinks so too, since he seems awfully huffy and seems to be diving past Ravenpuff’s Chasers out of spite as they try to score instead of actively searching for the Snitch. Not that it looks like Kennedy needs the help! Three, no – four! Four goal attempts, and he’s blocked them all! Somebody check him for a Time-Turner because those reflexes are bending the laws of the fabric of reality!!
Rhydderch’s got hold of the Quaffle from his fellow Chasers and looks to be giving it a chance himself! Murdoch’s got his eye on Rhydderch – it’s the first time he’s turned his attention away from Matteris all match! Wulfenbach hurls a Bludger at Rhydderch, who dodges and-
THE BLUDGER HIT THE LEFT SIDE OF MATTERIS’ HEAD! She’s in free-fall, spiraling down and down and down and she hits the ground! Unlike Vantas, she’s not getting up! The ref calls a time-out to get her to the medical wing! Which leads me to an interesting question: what would’ve happened if all the staff was playing and nobody was in the medical wing?!
[There is a small break in the game.]
Well, I’ve got confirmation that she’s alive at least, so ONWARDS WITH THE GAME!
Donoghue’s gone on a roaring rampage, throwing himself tooth and nail and angry white-knuckled-grip-on-the-broom into the match! He just got a goal and goes in for another one, but Mercer snags the Quaffle and hurls it far away! No matter - looks like Donoghue’s spotted Rhydderch and is now more interested in chasing him. Round and round they go, where they’ll stop, NOBODY KNOWS! 20-0 Gryfferin! And on the horrible bloody injuries count, 2-0 Gryfferin as well!
Team Gryfferin seems to be in chaos following the break. Team Ravenpuff looks to be exploiting the pandemonium, making the other team dance like puppets on a string! Coulson and Maryam are distracting Peixes and it looks like Strider's more interested in the Donoghue-Rhydderch chase going on. Neither Seeker from Team Gryfferin has noticed Vantas-Leijon zip off after a certain shiny little object which shall remain nameless but rhymes with – oh wait, there are first years here, aren’t there? No no no no, I’m a man with dignity and respect and will not use such language in front of the little – BREAK HIS KNEECAPS INTO BLOODY LITTLE SHARDS WITH THAT BLUDGER, VANTAS awww, you missed!
Vantas-Leijon draws closer and closer and closercloserclosercloserCLOSEERRRRRRR
She’s got the Snitch! Ravenpuff wins, 150-20!
But really, Hogwarts, aren’t we the real winners today? Just look at all the bruises on our teachers!
And now comes the boring stuff with the teams lining up to shake hands and clap each other on the back and blah blah blah stuff I don't care about talking about, so I'm just going to end it h- PROFESSOR STRIDER JUST PUNCHED PROFESSOR RHYDDERCH SQUARE IN THE FACE! A FINAL BEAUTIFUL BOW TIED ON TOP OF THIS BLOODY AND VIOLENT PRESENT OF A MATCH AND IT'S NOT EVEN MY BIRTHDAY!