sortinghat_logs | Don't speak

"Uh," Gamzee starts, then stops, reaching for the paper. He pulls it towards himself, fiddles with the edge, then finally glances up again at Murdoc, feeling stupid.

"What's intercourse? Ain't that be ... talking?"

"No." He says curtly before tacking on. "It does, not in this context. I was referring to sexual intercourse. Sex."

He nudges a quill and ink toward the other boy, regretting this so much already but not wanting to back down from his suggestion. Why does he have such stupid ideas? It seemed so clever at the time.

"Oh! Uh. Okay," Gamzee said, his cheeks reddening a little as he takes the quill sheepishly, and then opens the ink bottle. He has to think a few moments, and then his curly head bends over the paper as he starts writing. He's going to be at this awhile.

First, of course, he has to address anatomy, and his understanding of the female anatomy is a bit shakier than the male, though he does basically get that there's a hole, which is used for both sex and for babies to come out of. He is also of the belief, like many teenaged boys, that if someone has an erection too long it can somehow do damage to them. There is then a long discourse on masturbation, peppered with a lot of statements like, 'I don't know if I be weird, but', since he's mostly describing his own experiences, though he'll write down what he remembers of what other people have said. It's very clear he started young, though, around nine or ten, and does it a lot, and considers it a pretty natural thing, and only sort of related to sex.

Then comes what he knows of heterosexual encounters, which is ... not a whole lot. Insert tab a into slot b seems to be the extent of it, though he does include that a lot of boys seem to like breasts, and he thinks that might be related, though he's not sure how you would have sex with them. He is also aware of the clitoris, because of what Amelia's written, but is of the belief that it's something inside a girl that has to be looked for, and it's clear from what he's writing that he thinks of it as a very small penis.

After all that, he pauses, and looks up nervously. "You be wanting just normal stuff, or ... ?"

Alright. So that probably wasn't the best way to start him off. Murdoc is trying his best not to glance down at what the younger man is writing, though occasionally he will catch a glimpse and cringe to himself. It's clear Gamzee needs to be taught properly but. he wasn't expecting it to be so drastic. Which, in retrospect, was silly of him.

He busies himself with his grading, silently wondering how exactly he will even begin to tutor the boy when he's clearly been misguided in this regard for a long, long time.

He looks up when Gamzee asks the question, returning his nervous expression with a raised eyebrow.

"Normal is subjective, Makara. What exactly do you mean?"

"Uh. Like. Man and a lady, or. Other kinds of stuff," Gamzee asks, biting into the inside of his bottom lip.

"Oh."

He thinks on that for a moment. Is he allowed to teach children about gay sex? He's never had it, but he's certainly...researched it. Which isn't the same, really. But given the scribbles he's read off the page, it's probably a bit more rounded out than what Gamzee knows.

He reaches forward to pluck the parchment out from infront of Gamzee and places it to the side, deciding it might be easier to discuss this.

"What happens between a man and a woman isn't the only normal option. Unless you're talkin' numbers, then I suppose the majority of people are heterosexual. However, being a homosexual-- or even bisexual is not a particularly strange concept. Anyone who tells you that is a liar."

Someone is defensive.

"That ain't what the nanas in the church be saying," Gamzee says slowly, dubiously. He'd like to believe that's true, but it just seems way too far fetched. He knows there are some other boys at Hogwarts who like boys, too, but none of them seem to be like him - they always like girls, too, and Gamzee just hasn't been able to do that. "Nanas ain't liars, I don't think."

"The elderly tend to be misinformed. Which is ironic because there was a time when being openly gay was perfectly acceptable. Particularly in ancient Greece."

Aaah, history. Is there no point you can't prove? Though he's not sure he should mention that in ancient Greece, it wasn't the gender you picked but the role you played in intercourse that defined you. Lest Gamzee wander about trying to mount people to assert dominance.

"I suppose askin' if you're gay is a rather obvious and inappropriate question, isn't it?"

Gamzee doesn't say anything for a moment, just ducks his head in embarrassment, then looks down at his hands, which are twisting pretzels in his lap, curling around each other this way and that.

"Yeah. I'm. Uh-huh. I know I ain't supposed to be, but. I can't help it, I tried and it didn't be working." The boy's hair hangs in his face and his shoulders hunch in a little - this is obviously something that's been bothering him for a long while. It seems okay to him sometimes, when he's around his friends who don't mind so much. But it's been drilled into his head from the church that it's wrong, and it's hard to feel really confident about it when the boys he's had crushes on can't feel the same way about him.

Murdoc feels a pang of sympathy for the boy. This is beyond inappropriate, isn't it? Should he be sharing this with the boy? Or, is it possible that Gamzee makes his mistakes because nobody has taken him aside in an authoritative manner and told him it's alright to feel that way?

He glances about the room for a moment, as if expecting someone to be listening in. He's never going to deny that he's paranoid, but it helps to be careful.

"You aren't supposed to be anythin', Makara." He tuts at him. "And, to be perfectly honest-- and don't you dare go tellin' everyone or I swear to--" He takes a breath, letting himself calm for the moment. "To be perfectly honest, I felt like that for a long time. You might be one of a small few, but you're not the only bloke who notices blokes in Hogwarts, you know."

Gamzee jerks his head up, staring with wide, startled eyes at Murdoc. They really are extraordinary eyes - Gamzee will probably never be all that handsome in the face, it's too long and horsey, his nose too big, his mouth too wide. But the eyes are something interesting to look at, dark and wide and the strangest shade of blue-purple.

"You mean you're bendy?" he blurts out, having absolutely no idea what to do with this information, not quite trusting it. Because, "But you gots kids! You have to have a lady for that!"

Murdoc is absolutely fascinated by eyes, particularly ones of such a unique colour. However, it's not quite enough to stop him from regretting his over share of information for a brief moment. Be patient, he tells himself. He's just curious. You need to follow through with it.

"Bendy?" He squints at Gamzee, shaking his head before continuing. "You're not obligated to like one or the other, you know. Just because I notice other men doesn't mean I intend to marry one (yet). I was always more taken with ladies." He shrugs lightly.

Gamzee sinks back into his chair, deflated, and look down at his hands again. "Oh. That's different, though."

He's never really met another strictly gay person, male or female. He doesn't know to explain the feeling, that even if he wanted to, even though he's tried, he can't be normal. He can't hide, not unless he wants to lie to some girl, and that's just not in his nature. He could probably find some other boy who liked both to hook up with, if that's what he really wanted, but none of those boys would stay with him, not in the long run. Not when they had other options.

"Well, yes. The point I was makin' is that everyone is different. Though I suppose that's the last thing you want in school.."

Stop making things worse, Murdoc. "I'm positive you aren't the only bendy boy in school. Or in your own year, even."

He sits still for a moment, feeling guilty for not being of more help. He supposes it is worth asking. "Is there anythin' I can help you with? Any questions? I know I'm not the same as you, but I can help you some."

"But everyone ain't different. Most mo- blokes like birds. That's almost all of them. And then some like both, and that ain't being too many, but there's a few. And then some only like other blokes, and there ain't hardly none of them at all," Gamzee says quietly, staring at his lap again. "It's mostly them what like birds, though. That's normal, that's how most everyone is. Which be making sense, 'cause that's how you be making babies, you can't be doing it with people what are the same."

"Would you really have been all mad at me if I was a pretty girl saying I was liking the way Eridan looked? Or as much?"

"Sexuality isn't really a set thing, Makara. I'm sure there's at least one person in your life who will always make you question your choices."

He reaches over the desk to give Gamzee's shoulder a comforting, but rather stern squeeze. "Not everybody's life ends with children. Unless you want it to, I suppose."

He pulls back at that question, giving it a genuine amount of thought. The problem was never that Gamzee was a guy, the problem was that Murdoc was protective of his son. Of course, the fact that Gamzee is male and quite capable of hurting Eridan doesn't do him any favours but it wasn't just the physical nature of it that made Murdoc so defensive.

"I would have, yes. I'd have scolded you in much the same way, for dignity's sake. I don't care who you are, I don't like seein' my son talked about like that in public, pretty or not."

Edited 2012-09-21 12:47 (UTC)

Gamzee kind of wants to point out that it really hasn't been a choice for him. If it was a choice, he would have picked girls, or at least sometimes. Sometimes he's okay with who he is, sometimes it's nice to look at a good looking dude and feel all warm and then want to go fool around in the showers, and sometimes it's REALLY nice because the straight boys don't get to shower with girls, but he gets to-

But other times it twists him up inside. When he hears how bad it is. When he asks the boy he thought was more precious than anything to him if he even just wanted to kiss and was told he wasn't liked in "uh, that way". When this other boy he's starting to like has turned him down, too, even if it was in a really nice way. Then he wishes he was like everyone else, because there's lots of nice girls at the school, too, and wouldn't it be nice to not have to worry about that?

But Murdoc's answer makes his brow furrow - it just doesn't sound right. He can't believe that Murdoc would have really had the same huge reaction if Eridan had asked a girl if his ass was nice, and the girl had agreed and had mentioned she'd looked at it before. He thinks Murdoc would have probably just angrily told them to not talk about it in public, not given her a month's detention.

He's not stupid enough to call his professor a liar, though, so he just shrugs. "I dunno. I guess I ain't got no questions."

The truth of it is that Murdoc only gave him a month's detention because the time was transferred over to him. Really, he thought a month was excessive. If only because it was a month of his own time and he doesn't have any desire to spend all of his evenings with a student.

He feels a little unsettled by the silence, as if he's said something wrong. He most certainly wasn't lying, he's well aware of how nefarious and perverted females can be after being friends with Sybille for a good chunk of his life.

He feels himself worrying, for some strange reason. He needn't be concerned with the boy's well being. He's here to be punished for incredibly inappropriate behaviour, not tugging on Murdoc's heartstrings. Despite his better judgement, he can't stop feeling an overwhelming sense of concern for him, and he's pretty sure it's because he hits a few nerves that are closer to home than he'd like to admit.

"Makara." His voice is stern, but not at all threatening. "There's somethin' you aren't tellin' me. Say it."

Gamzee glances up guiltily, but it'll take a lot more than that for him to confess he thinks his teacher is lying to him. He's noticed adults never, ever take that well. "I just be thinking it's different for blokes and birds," was all he said. "'Cause I seen how girls is talked to different about stuff."

That earns a snort from Murdoc and a very brief, half smile. He's amused by it, that's for sure.

"My two closest friends were birds when I was a lad, Makara." He pulls a face as he recalls the things they put him through. "They could get away with murder. I couldn't raise my voice at them without havin' my head smacked.." He grumbles, rolling his eyes slightly.

"I can't account for the other teachers, but I try not to inflict bias upon my students. Regardless. You're not here because of your comments toward Eridan. I already yelled at you about that, much to his chagrin. You're here because you posted inappropriate content on the journals."

The confusion that passes over Gamzee's face is quite clear - he hadn't even been thinking about that at all, and it may be he's long ago lost the connection between this detention and the ill-fated wank entry of a month ago.

"And ... now you be wanting me to write more about it?"

He's going to wave that off with a small scowl. Sometimes he realises why he's not cut out for this job. He just has so little patience, but by god is he trying.

"It seemed as if your escapades on the journals were a consequence of misinformation. You were askin' your peers to help explain subjects of a sexual nature and you goofed it up by not narrowin' down your audience enough. So now you're bein' taught so as to prevent another incident.

I want you to understand that you are being punished not because of your curiousity or because of your thoughts, you're being punished for the manner in which you conducted yourself. If you want to ask those kinds of questions, ask a professor or keep it among close friends in person, alright?"

"But how come?" Gamzee asks, and he does seem earnest, not challenging. He really doesn't get why he shouldn't have been asking that question to everyone.

Well, by this point it's clear that Gamzee really doesn't think on the same level as most people do. At least, not on level with people trying to run a school.

"When you posted it within a student filter, you made it visible for not only the younger years to see, but the siblings and family and anyone who happened to be near a student's journal. Now, some may argue that it's both natural and normal for people of a young age to be learnin' about their bodies, but the fact of the matter is that it is a violation of what their guardians deem appropriate and what they themselves are comfortable with. Particularly when you pushed for answers in some cases..."

He clears his throat. "It's better to keep things of that manner in a small circle of people who you know and trust, otherwise things can get out of hand and beyond you. Do you understand?"

"No," Gamzee says, frowning. "Look, I know you ain't probably getting it, but sometimes you got to get your speak on about shit what ain't what somebody's parent wants to hear about. Like probably ain't no parent what wants to be thinking about their kid wanking, so they probably don't want them to be all talking about it all around town, either, but how else is a motherfucker gonna get that knowledge all crammed up in his pan?"

He's so earnest, in the way he looks at Murdoc, so genuinely uncomprehending of why it would be bad to talk with other students about things their parents didn't want them to know.

"Actually, I'm perfectly aware that you'd want to discuss it with your peers, but it isn't your place to decide who should and shouldn't be talking about it. It would have been wiser for you to conduct the conversation among a closer circle of friends. Once again, that sort of discussion is simply not appropriate for the journals."

He nods along with himself before pausing to consider something. "It's a little surprising that you haven't had sexual education before. Has no teacher ever taken initiative?"

"Not what I can remember all up in my hole-y pan," Gamzee said, scratching at the back of his neck. "I mean, unless you mean that part where Professor Flukeworth who ain't being here no more told all of them second years that girls had a disease all up in them that made blokes go moth- go really crazy from the smell."

"Well, that certainly explains some things." He looks unimpressed, but not with Gamzee. He seems a little too old to have gone this long without being properly educated. "Perhaps this is somethin' I need to address with the other professors, then."

He nods to himself, glancing up at the clock before looking down at Gamzee. "Did you have any questions?"

"Uh." Gamzee fidgeted in his seat, twisting his fingers around each other. He had a few questions, actually, but he wasn't really sure he should be asking them of a professor. "No. I don't be guessing so."

Murdoc tilts his head to the side, narrowing his eyes a little at Gamzee. He's obviously hesitant, Murdoc doesn't need to be particularly observant to catch that. He only wonders if it's worth pushing an answer out of him.

"You're absolutely certain?" He asks as casually as he can, not wanting to pressure the younger man.

"Uh ... " Gamzee bites his lips and then says, hesitantly, "I don't know that it be the kind of thing what I should be talking to a professor about."

"If it's somethin' you don't think you can go without askin' someone I think I would prefer it to be me." He's trying not to narrow his eyes now. He's really damn curious, but he also doesn't want a repeat of the journal fiasco. He can justify his desire to know to himself, though he wonders if Gamzee feels the same.

The boy doesn't say anything for a long time, looking down at his hands and considering. But ... he really wants to know. "So, uh. When two motherfuckers want to. You know. Do it. All proper-like. How do they, uh ... how do they make it fit? 'Cause it don't make no kind of sense to me that it would just go in, and I, uh, tried once with something and that shit kind of hurt."

Murdoc nods along with him, listening intently as Gamzee finally speaks up. Okay. He's trying not to snip or snark. He offered sexual education in the hopes it would bring Gamzee back into line, he can't yell at him for an honest question.

He can, however, slowly turn bright red and sputter everytime he tries to speak. Finally, he snatches up the quill and grabs at some parchment and quickly writes something up. He flicks it furiously so it dries and folds it up, pushing it across the table toward Gamzee.

When Gamzee opens it, he will see a detailed summary of how to lubricate and stretch your partner and the best way to go about doing so written in lovely handwriting.

Gamzee opens it right then and there, sitting back to read it. He's not sure why Murdoc's written it down, but he guesses the professor doesn't want a motherfucker to be up and forgetting, which is pretty fair where he's concerned. He goes over it a few times, to make sure he understands, then looks up.

" ... there be any spells for this stuff?"

Murdoc cringes a little, sinking in his chair as he does. He should have expected this, but he's still so very taken aback. His face is slowly turning a darker shade.

"I suppose there might be. It's a little unintimate to use a spell though, don't you think?" A pause. "Pretend I didn't say that."

"Oh, uh ... okay?" Gamzee says, his voice questioning. He wants to ask about the whole 'unintimate' thing, but he guesses he's not supposed to, for whatever reason.

He's sorry, Gamzee. So, so sorry. He's trying to be open and helpful but dear god he is the most awkward teacher in the entire school. He gives Gamzee a nod and small, half smile and he taps his fingers awkwardly on the desk as he stares at the boy.

"Has this been any help at all to you? This entire...thing. Do you think?" He asks, showing a very rare amount of uncertainty. Congratulations, Gamzee, you are seeing some colourful sides of Murdoc today.

"Is it supposed to be?" Gamzee asks, surprised, because he always thought detention was just punishment. But he guesses he has learned some stuff, and it's been kind of interesting seeing Professor Donoghue try to be nice, because he doesn't seem very good at it. "Yeah? I mean, I think so."

"It was meant to be informative, at the very least."

He sighs to himself, he tries, oh my god does he try. He would be glad to know Gamzee is acknowledging it, particularly since he's not very good at it.

He stands, pushing his chair back as he does and slipping out from behind the desk.

"You'd better head back to your dorm now, Makara."

"Yes, sir," Gamzee says, with some relief. Though he'll peruse Murdoc's instructions several times that night. "Thank you, sir."

He stands and tucks the parchment away in his robe. "I guess I'll be laying peepers on you again tomorrow."

"I imagine you will, yes." He nods, giving Gamzee a strained smile before following him out the door. "Good night."

He charms his door shut and gives Gamzee another, deeper nod before turning in the other direction and heading off.

Don't speak

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject